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| The Apprentice, episode five – TV review | The Apprentice, episode five – TV review |
| (4 months later) | |
| I always enjoy the episode of The Apprentice (BBC1) in which they go abroad. This year they're off to Dubai – showy, vulgar, ghastly … perfect then. And please, Emirati police, throw them in jail, will you? Lock them up for a very long time, for crimes against decency or humanity or whatever. | I always enjoy the episode of The Apprentice (BBC1) in which they go abroad. This year they're off to Dubai – showy, vulgar, ghastly … perfect then. And please, Emirati police, throw them in jail, will you? Lock them up for a very long time, for crimes against decency or humanity or whatever. |
| Sugar's not going with them, which is another shame. I'd like to see him in the scorching desert heat, slowly caramelising. Instead he's beamed in live to them (by Amstrad E-m@iler... hahaha, only kidding) with the week's task: to buy a few items for the opening of the Waldorf Astoria in Ras Al Khaima. Oh, so not actually in Dubai, but a neighbouring emirate. They will be doing their shopping in Dubai though. | Sugar's not going with them, which is another shame. I'd like to see him in the scorching desert heat, slowly caramelising. Instead he's beamed in live to them (by Amstrad E-m@iler... hahaha, only kidding) with the week's task: to buy a few items for the opening of the Waldorf Astoria in Ras Al Khaima. Oh, so not actually in Dubai, but a neighbouring emirate. They will be doing their shopping in Dubai though. |
| "It's very simple," says Shugs from his own opulent splendour back home in Romford. "The team that buys the most amount of items for the least amount of money will win." (Probably better without "amount of" there, Al, but there's nothing more annoying than grammar correction, I know, and you get enough of that on Twitter from @piersmorgan.) | "It's very simple," says Shugs from his own opulent splendour back home in Romford. "The team that buys the most amount of items for the least amount of money will win." (Probably better without "amount of" there, Al, but there's nothing more annoying than grammar correction, I know, and you get enough of that on Twitter from @piersmorgan.) |
| Myles leads one team. Zeeshan – international property broker and international idiot – leads the other. He's lived in Dubai, knows it like the back of his hand; plus, he's going to make history, like Napoleon, no human in this world intimidates him … yeah shush now, you ridiculous man. He knows what the items on the list are – that kandura is Emirati dress, that oud is Arabic perfume ... really? Even though it specifies that it should be mahogany, and standard size? Alex raises one of his you-know-whats. | Myles leads one team. Zeeshan – international property broker and international idiot – leads the other. He's lived in Dubai, knows it like the back of his hand; plus, he's going to make history, like Napoleon, no human in this world intimidates him … yeah shush now, you ridiculous man. He knows what the items on the list are – that kandura is Emirati dress, that oud is Arabic perfume ... really? Even though it specifies that it should be mahogany, and standard size? Alex raises one of his you-know-whats. |
| Off they go in their people carriers, with their maps and their Yellow Pages. Again! Do they sponsor it or something? What is it about The Apprentice and the Yellow Pages? Didn't the Yellow Pages disappear, like, even before the Amstrad E-m@iler did? (At least the Yellow Pages were actually something useful once.) | Off they go in their people carriers, with their maps and their Yellow Pages. Again! Do they sponsor it or something? What is it about The Apprentice and the Yellow Pages? Didn't the Yellow Pages disappear, like, even before the Amstrad E-m@iler did? (At least the Yellow Pages were actually something useful once.) |
| Normally when he says "it's immense" Zee probably means something is very good, but because they're passing the Burj Khalifa, the world's tallest building, he actually means it literally this time. It thrusts proudly and magnificently up, and then up some more. I'm sure he identifies with it. And rightly so; it is, after all, just a massive cock. | Normally when he says "it's immense" Zee probably means something is very good, but because they're passing the Burj Khalifa, the world's tallest building, he actually means it literally this time. It thrusts proudly and magnificently up, and then up some more. I'm sure he identifies with it. And rightly so; it is, after all, just a massive cock. |
| They get the wrong kind of kandura, and the wrong size flag, and fail completely to get loads of things on the list. It's truly pathetic what they achieve. I honestly think I could have done better, on my own, with no local knowledge. Oh, and an oud turns out not to be perfume, but a stringed instrument, a bit like a lute. (I'll be honest, I thought it was one of those spaghetti-faced aliens on Doctor Who.) They fall out, and mutiny, and plot, and squabble into their BlackBerrys, held flat, on speaker mode. | They get the wrong kind of kandura, and the wrong size flag, and fail completely to get loads of things on the list. It's truly pathetic what they achieve. I honestly think I could have done better, on my own, with no local knowledge. Oh, and an oud turns out not to be perfume, but a stringed instrument, a bit like a lute. (I'll be honest, I thought it was one of those spaghetti-faced aliens on Doctor Who.) They fall out, and mutiny, and plot, and squabble into their BlackBerrys, held flat, on speaker mode. |
| Back in Blighty, in the boardroom, the long knives come out, along with a few groansome gags from His Lordship ("Thank God I never sent you out to get 20 camels, you'd've come back with a packet of fags"). | Back in Blighty, in the boardroom, the long knives come out, along with a few groansome gags from His Lordship ("Thank God I never sent you out to get 20 camels, you'd've come back with a packet of fags"). |
| Zee's oudless team loses, he brings Leah and Natalie back in. "Have you got a problem working with women?" says Natalie, showing some fight and passion for the first time. "You've brought two women in here, the only two in your team." Good one. | Zee's oudless team loses, he brings Leah and Natalie back in. "Have you got a problem working with women?" says Natalie, showing some fight and passion for the first time. "You've brought two women in here, the only two in your team." Good one. |
| Sugar looks embarrassed. "Erm, excuse me, are we getting allegations here of you ... treating people incorrectly?" he says, awkwardly. Yes, they're saying he's a sexist, Lord Sugar. You know, a bit like you. | Sugar looks embarrassed. "Erm, excuse me, are we getting allegations here of you ... treating people incorrectly?" he says, awkwardly. Yes, they're saying he's a sexist, Lord Sugar. You know, a bit like you. |
| Leah seizes upon it, gets her big sword out. Ooh, she's terrifying. If she doesn't get hired by Sugar (maybe on account of her gender, or simply because he's too scared of her) she should go back to the Arabian peninsula, to neighbouring Saudi, where an occasional job in the public squares awaits. | Leah seizes upon it, gets her big sword out. Ooh, she's terrifying. If she doesn't get hired by Sugar (maybe on account of her gender, or simply because he's too scared of her) she should go back to the Arabian peninsula, to neighbouring Saudi, where an occasional job in the public squares awaits. |
| Here it's Zee's head that rolls, of course. Suddenly I feel sorry for him, in the taxi of shame. They always seem nicer, the moment they're fired. His name will go down in history, the man who identifies with Napoleon promises: "I'm not exactly why as yet, but it will." The taxi presumably is headed for Elba. Hope he negotiated a price first … | Here it's Zee's head that rolls, of course. Suddenly I feel sorry for him, in the taxi of shame. They always seem nicer, the moment they're fired. His name will go down in history, the man who identifies with Napoleon promises: "I'm not exactly why as yet, but it will." The taxi presumably is headed for Elba. Hope he negotiated a price first … |
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