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Sorry, Virgin – sex and air travel just don't mix Sorry, Virgin – sex and air travel just don't mix
(4 months later)
As I contorted myself in an attempt to escape the fusty odour of the passenger next to me on a recent long-haul flight, it occurred to me that there are few cliches so divorced from the truth as the glamorously seductive notion of plane travel. Granted, those 13 hours spent drowning in someone else's BO gave me a lot of thinking time, but as I shovelled miscellaneous muck from a foil tray into my mouth as the plane began its descent, joining the mile-high club still felt as tempting as (and logistically not dissimilar from) jamming myself headfirst into the vacuum toilet and flushing.As I contorted myself in an attempt to escape the fusty odour of the passenger next to me on a recent long-haul flight, it occurred to me that there are few cliches so divorced from the truth as the glamorously seductive notion of plane travel. Granted, those 13 hours spent drowning in someone else's BO gave me a lot of thinking time, but as I shovelled miscellaneous muck from a foil tray into my mouth as the plane began its descent, joining the mile-high club still felt as tempting as (and logistically not dissimilar from) jamming myself headfirst into the vacuum toilet and flushing.
Because, you see, the mile-high club is just one of many saucy myths perpetuated by those trying to sell us plane tickets. That said, more power to you if you've ever managed to sneak into a plane toilet to get jiggy without alerting the eagle-eyed cabin crew. Although, when the five mini bottles of Chardonnay wore off mid-bonk, was it really the memory-of-a-lifetime sexcapade that you wanted? Or have you just stood ankle deep in other people's urine in order to fake an orgasm and get back to your seat sharpish before you're bequeathed the nickname of "easyJess"?Because, you see, the mile-high club is just one of many saucy myths perpetuated by those trying to sell us plane tickets. That said, more power to you if you've ever managed to sneak into a plane toilet to get jiggy without alerting the eagle-eyed cabin crew. Although, when the five mini bottles of Chardonnay wore off mid-bonk, was it really the memory-of-a-lifetime sexcapade that you wanted? Or have you just stood ankle deep in other people's urine in order to fake an orgasm and get back to your seat sharpish before you're bequeathed the nickname of "easyJess"?
Regardless (or is it because?) of the potential for mid-air coitus, Virgin haveintroduced an instant messaging system enabling passengers to message others in the seats around them. I assume they don't allow the different plane classes to mix – otherwise we might be seeing sugar daddies instituting a system of "upgrade in exchange for sexual favours".Regardless (or is it because?) of the potential for mid-air coitus, Virgin haveintroduced an instant messaging system enabling passengers to message others in the seats around them. I assume they don't allow the different plane classes to mix – otherwise we might be seeing sugar daddies instituting a system of "upgrade in exchange for sexual favours".
Now, I know that air travel is really just a portal to foreign climes: a privilege for people who can afford to go on holidays abroad, an efficient means of transport for those whose work enables them to travel, and maybe even, for some, a one-way ticket to a new and better life. I know this, everyone on the plane knows this, so why is the notion that air travel is the sexiest thing since records began still pushed on us by endless tedious advertising campaigns? Wouldn't Richard Branson do better to put down the women he insists on picking up for photo opportunities and spend his money on food that doesn't taste like a foot, instead? Because I'm pretty sure that nobody looks forward to the experience of plane travel.Now, I know that air travel is really just a portal to foreign climes: a privilege for people who can afford to go on holidays abroad, an efficient means of transport for those whose work enables them to travel, and maybe even, for some, a one-way ticket to a new and better life. I know this, everyone on the plane knows this, so why is the notion that air travel is the sexiest thing since records began still pushed on us by endless tedious advertising campaigns? Wouldn't Richard Branson do better to put down the women he insists on picking up for photo opportunities and spend his money on food that doesn't taste like a foot, instead? Because I'm pretty sure that nobody looks forward to the experience of plane travel.
For economy passengers at least, from the moment you arrive three hours early at the airport to when you hobble off the plane at the other end into baggage carousel hell, it is a joyless experience. And yet, airlines still insist on pretending that air travel is Viagra with wings. In airline adverts, the cabin crew are always beautiful and nearly always women, and in real life the make-up trowelled on by flight attendants goes some way to indicate the ideal that they are forced to chase on a daily basis. This is the same ideal that caused the car-crash TV show Pan Am to come into its albeit short-lived existence, and also led the enamoured spiky-haired crooner Charlie-from-Busted to lament: "I messed my pants, when we flew over France, will I see you soon in my hotel room for a holiday romance? Air hostess."For economy passengers at least, from the moment you arrive three hours early at the airport to when you hobble off the plane at the other end into baggage carousel hell, it is a joyless experience. And yet, airlines still insist on pretending that air travel is Viagra with wings. In airline adverts, the cabin crew are always beautiful and nearly always women, and in real life the make-up trowelled on by flight attendants goes some way to indicate the ideal that they are forced to chase on a daily basis. This is the same ideal that caused the car-crash TV show Pan Am to come into its albeit short-lived existence, and also led the enamoured spiky-haired crooner Charlie-from-Busted to lament: "I messed my pants, when we flew over France, will I see you soon in my hotel room for a holiday romance? Air hostess."
Even Ryanair, the budget airline to end all budget airlines, sexes up its service by selling their annual Cabin Crew Charity Calendar featuring "the girls of Ryanair" in bikinis. However, the Irish airline now faces a private prosecution in Spain over claims it has exploited its staff. You might have thought Michael O'Leary would have learned his lesson after the Advertising Standards Authority ruled against its advert showing a bikini-clad woman with the slogan "red hot fares & crew" , but apparently misogyny and aeroplane flight still go together like six-hour delays and free sandwich coupons.Even Ryanair, the budget airline to end all budget airlines, sexes up its service by selling their annual Cabin Crew Charity Calendar featuring "the girls of Ryanair" in bikinis. However, the Irish airline now faces a private prosecution in Spain over claims it has exploited its staff. You might have thought Michael O'Leary would have learned his lesson after the Advertising Standards Authority ruled against its advert showing a bikini-clad woman with the slogan "red hot fares & crew" , but apparently misogyny and aeroplane flight still go together like six-hour delays and free sandwich coupons.
So, how about a new approach to flogging plane tickets? I know that sex sells, but I'm a bit bored of airlines thinking that it's the unconscious promise of la petite mort that makes me fork out for airfares, when all I want is edible food, noise-cancelling headphones and a comfy seat. Go on Branson, O'Leary et al, it's over to you for some original thinking.So, how about a new approach to flogging plane tickets? I know that sex sells, but I'm a bit bored of airlines thinking that it's the unconscious promise of la petite mort that makes me fork out for airfares, when all I want is edible food, noise-cancelling headphones and a comfy seat. Go on Branson, O'Leary et al, it's over to you for some original thinking.
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