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| Q: How do you spoil a five-year-old for ever? A: Buy him a convertible | Q: How do you spoil a five-year-old for ever? A: Buy him a convertible |
| (5 months later) | |
| I'm not in the habit of bearing grudges against five-year-old boys I don't even know, especially when I haven't so much as spoken to them, but merely observed their behaviour from a distance of several metres. It can't be psychologically healthy to develop a burning dislike of someone you could easily hurl over a small building using just one arm if you were so inclined. Kids are blameless, albeit often annoying. But last week – last week … | I'm not in the habit of bearing grudges against five-year-old boys I don't even know, especially when I haven't so much as spoken to them, but merely observed their behaviour from a distance of several metres. It can't be psychologically healthy to develop a burning dislike of someone you could easily hurl over a small building using just one arm if you were so inclined. Kids are blameless, albeit often annoying. But last week – last week … |
| Last week there was a sudden burst of sunshine after weeks of sulking sky. We – and by "we" I mean my wife and child, because I'm one segment of a family unit these days (yeah, like the Human Centipede) – were visiting some friends whose kid is about 18 months older than ours, which means it can perform all sorts of tricks our one-year-old hasn't mastered yet – incredible feats like walking and issuing verbal demands. | Last week there was a sudden burst of sunshine after weeks of sulking sky. We – and by "we" I mean my wife and child, because I'm one segment of a family unit these days (yeah, like the Human Centipede) – were visiting some friends whose kid is about 18 months older than ours, which means it can perform all sorts of tricks our one-year-old hasn't mastered yet – incredible feats like walking and issuing verbal demands. |
| The sunny weather prompted us to head for a park near their house, so we could put the kids on the swings and look and point at them. Turned out every other parent in the postcode had had the same idea, and the playground was packed, which meant the toddler and the one-year-old would have to wait their turn before going on the swings. That's fine for a one-year-old, who doesn't even understand that he's going to get to go on the swings at all until you physically put him on one, at which point he's surprised and delighted – but a drag for a toddler who's in the process of learning basic concepts like sharing and fairness, which are apparently sometimes useful in adult life. | The sunny weather prompted us to head for a park near their house, so we could put the kids on the swings and look and point at them. Turned out every other parent in the postcode had had the same idea, and the playground was packed, which meant the toddler and the one-year-old would have to wait their turn before going on the swings. That's fine for a one-year-old, who doesn't even understand that he's going to get to go on the swings at all until you physically put him on one, at which point he's surprised and delighted – but a drag for a toddler who's in the process of learning basic concepts like sharing and fairness, which are apparently sometimes useful in adult life. |
| Still, after a bit of waiting and turn-taking, all the kids in the vicinity got a fair turn on the swings and came away satisfied. It looked like society might just be capable of holding itself together. Until a five-year-old boy drove through the playground in an open-top Audi sports car. | Still, after a bit of waiting and turn-taking, all the kids in the vicinity got a fair turn on the swings and came away satisfied. It looked like society might just be capable of holding itself together. Until a five-year-old boy drove through the playground in an open-top Audi sports car. |
| I say "drove" because he wasn't pedaling; this was an electric car with a motor and working headlights and everything. And I say "open-top Audi" because that's what it was. He was driving an open-top Audi through a playground. | I say "drove" because he wasn't pedaling; this was an electric car with a motor and working headlights and everything. And I say "open-top Audi" because that's what it was. He was driving an open-top Audi through a playground. |
| It didn't go very fast – you could overtake it dragging yourself along the ground with your teeth – but then it didn't need velocity to get noticed. Everybody gawped like he'd ridden through the place on Rihanna's naked back. And the effect was immediate. | It didn't go very fast – you could overtake it dragging yourself along the ground with your teeth – but then it didn't need velocity to get noticed. Everybody gawped like he'd ridden through the place on Rihanna's naked back. And the effect was immediate. |
| "I want a go in the car," said the toddler. | "I want a go in the car," said the toddler. |
| You can't have a go in the car, said harsh reality. | You can't have a go in the car, said harsh reality. |
| "But I want a go in the car," repeated the toddler, already in tears. | "But I want a go in the car," repeated the toddler, already in tears. |
| And that was that. He was inconsolable. As the toddler's mum tried in vain to placate him, I looked around the playground, and noticed lots of equally upset children. Moments earlier this was an environment filled with adults patiently explaining to their children that if they just wait their turn, they'll all get a go on the fun thing. And then Audi boy rolls through in the funnest thing of all, and it's all his, and not theirs, and suddenly the swings and slides are a shitty shitty shitball and they learn, possibly for the very first time, that life just isn't fair. | And that was that. He was inconsolable. As the toddler's mum tried in vain to placate him, I looked around the playground, and noticed lots of equally upset children. Moments earlier this was an environment filled with adults patiently explaining to their children that if they just wait their turn, they'll all get a go on the fun thing. And then Audi boy rolls through in the funnest thing of all, and it's all his, and not theirs, and suddenly the swings and slides are a shitty shitty shitball and they learn, possibly for the very first time, that life just isn't fair. |
| Audi boy, meanwhile, was exiting the playground and trundling down a path leading to another section of park, where he could ruin some other kids' days with his mere presence. I watched Audi boy's parents as they walked behind their careering shitbag son, carefully checking he wasn't crashing into strangers' ankles but apparently oblivious to the trail of howling victims left in their wake. And I thought: "You are the worst people in the world." | Audi boy, meanwhile, was exiting the playground and trundling down a path leading to another section of park, where he could ruin some other kids' days with his mere presence. I watched Audi boy's parents as they walked behind their careering shitbag son, carefully checking he wasn't crashing into strangers' ankles but apparently oblivious to the trail of howling victims left in their wake. And I thought: "You are the worst people in the world." |
| This was before all the recent terrorist outrages, you understand. | This was before all the recent terrorist outrages, you understand. |
| Naturally I confronted them about it, halting their child's progress with a foot on the front bumper, loudly berating their crass behaviour while impressed pedestrians looked on, cheering and punching the air and chanting my name until Audi boy's parents fell to the ground, clutching pitifully at my trouser-legs and sobbing for forgiveness. In my head. Meanwhile in reality I did nothing. | Naturally I confronted them about it, halting their child's progress with a foot on the front bumper, loudly berating their crass behaviour while impressed pedestrians looked on, cheering and punching the air and chanting my name until Audi boy's parents fell to the ground, clutching pitifully at my trouser-legs and sobbing for forgiveness. In my head. Meanwhile in reality I did nothing. |
| Well, almost nothing. I did heroically Google the toy car when I got home, hoping to discover it cost £3,000 so I could hate them twice as hard. But no: it's about £400. Still an unjustifiable amount to blow on a glorified pedal car, but not quite as financially revolting as I'd anticipated – which somehow makes it worse. | Well, almost nothing. I did heroically Google the toy car when I got home, hoping to discover it cost £3,000 so I could hate them twice as hard. But no: it's about £400. Still an unjustifiable amount to blow on a glorified pedal car, but not quite as financially revolting as I'd anticipated – which somehow makes it worse. |
| More attainable means more of these things trundling through more playgrounds, ruining more days and poisoning more minds. Thousands more children growing up thinking it's perfectly normal to drive a convertible to primary school. And eventually the price'll drop and absolutely everyone'll be forced to buy one for their wailing offspring for Christmas, for fear of being sued years later for neglect and winding up beaten to death in prison. | More attainable means more of these things trundling through more playgrounds, ruining more days and poisoning more minds. Thousands more children growing up thinking it's perfectly normal to drive a convertible to primary school. And eventually the price'll drop and absolutely everyone'll be forced to buy one for their wailing offspring for Christmas, for fear of being sued years later for neglect and winding up beaten to death in prison. |
| Only one thing for it. The government should seize every single one of these battery-powered bratwagons and pay a man dressed up like Geoff Capes to smash them to pieces live on Saturday-morning television with a wooden sledgehammer. It's the only sane response. | Only one thing for it. The government should seize every single one of these battery-powered bratwagons and pay a man dressed up like Geoff Capes to smash them to pieces live on Saturday-morning television with a wooden sledgehammer. It's the only sane response. |
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