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Simon Hoggart's week: the ugly face of Swiss watches Simon Hoggart's week: the ugly face of Swiss watches
(6 months later)
✒We're just back from a trip to western Switzerland, which I always love. They had a March similar to ours, but this week the sun came out and we ate lunch outside and saw banks of primroses. It is such a neat country, so spick and span, you feel you could eat off the meticulously tended fields. French Swiss people sort of admire the German Swiss for being efficient, but regard them as anally retentive.✒We're just back from a trip to western Switzerland, which I always love. They had a March similar to ours, but this week the sun came out and we ate lunch outside and saw banks of primroses. It is such a neat country, so spick and span, you feel you could eat off the meticulously tended fields. French Swiss people sort of admire the German Swiss for being efficient, but regard them as anally retentive.
France, which is actually a short walk from our friends' house, is a sort of "here be dragons", Ultima Thule place, where the shops are dirty, crime, corruption and untidily parked cars are rampant, and the economy is hopeless, being under the command of President Hollande, a subject of mingled despair and contempt.France, which is actually a short walk from our friends' house, is a sort of "here be dragons", Ultima Thule place, where the shops are dirty, crime, corruption and untidily parked cars are rampant, and the economy is hopeless, being under the command of President Hollande, a subject of mingled despair and contempt.
Switzerland still has a huge share of the watch market, all advertised at the airport on illuminated hoardings. Gosh, they are ugly. The fashion now is to show the clockwork behind the hands, plus other dials indicating, goodness knows what. Air pressure? Top restaurants in Beijing? It's hard to work out the time. And if there's room they cram in diamonds. All look like the flight deck of an airliner, except that no one could comprehend it. I thought of those films in which the flight crew collapse and a passenger brings the plane down.Switzerland still has a huge share of the watch market, all advertised at the airport on illuminated hoardings. Gosh, they are ugly. The fashion now is to show the clockwork behind the hands, plus other dials indicating, goodness knows what. Air pressure? Top restaurants in Beijing? It's hard to work out the time. And if there's room they cram in diamonds. All look like the flight deck of an airliner, except that no one could comprehend it. I thought of those films in which the flight crew collapse and a passenger brings the plane down.
Controller (very calm): Now tell me the altimeter reading. Passenger (panicking): I can't see the altimeter! These diamonds are blinding me!Controller (very calm): Now tell me the altimeter reading. Passenger (panicking): I can't see the altimeter! These diamonds are blinding me!
✒I love this story, which sounds like an urban myth, but isn't. I know the names. We have close New York friends who in turn have a friend, a woman lawyer, sharp, witty, somewhat overweight but expensively dressed, who has never shown any interest in having a partner. She is wealthy mainly because among her clientele are members of the mob.✒I love this story, which sounds like an urban myth, but isn't. I know the names. We have close New York friends who in turn have a friend, a woman lawyer, sharp, witty, somewhat overweight but expensively dressed, who has never shown any interest in having a partner. She is wealthy mainly because among her clientele are members of the mob.
As age crept up, she decided she wanted a baby, which she achieved by the simplest and least emotionally entangling way, through AID. Came the time that she had to visit in jail one of her most distinguished customers, the New York mafia boss John Gotti. She told him she was pregnant. This followed:As age crept up, she decided she wanted a baby, which she achieved by the simplest and least emotionally entangling way, through AID. Came the time that she had to visit in jail one of her most distinguished customers, the New York mafia boss John Gotti. She told him she was pregnant. This followed:
Gotti: "But Becky, I never knew you were married.''Gotti: "But Becky, I never knew you were married.''
Becky: "I'm not.''Becky: "I'm not.''
Gotti: "Well, I guess that doesn't matter these days. But I never even knew you had a boyfriend."Gotti: "Well, I guess that doesn't matter these days. But I never even knew you had a boyfriend."
Becky: "I don't. It was by AID."Becky: "I don't. It was by AID."
Gotti (in evident distress): "Becky, Becky, why didn'tcha tell me? I coulda sent one of da boys over!"Gotti (in evident distress): "Becky, Becky, why didn'tcha tell me? I coulda sent one of da boys over!"
✒Roger Ebert died this week. He was the best-known and probably best-loved American film critic. When we lived in the US in the late 1980's we liked his TV show. Later I got to know him at the conference I attend most years in Boulder, Colorado. He had been going for 30-odd years, and was always the star, with his sharp, hilarious, humane and liberal wit.✒Roger Ebert died this week. He was the best-known and probably best-loved American film critic. When we lived in the US in the late 1980's we liked his TV show. Later I got to know him at the conference I attend most years in Boulder, Colorado. He had been going for 30-odd years, and was always the star, with his sharp, hilarious, humane and liberal wit.
He also presented "Cinema Interruptus". On the Monday he'd show a film, a classic such as Casablanca, or something more recent. Then for two hours a day he would go through the film scene by scene, analysing the acting, the lighting, or the cinematography, while inviting the audience to chime in.He also presented "Cinema Interruptus". On the Monday he'd show a film, a classic such as Casablanca, or something more recent. Then for two hours a day he would go through the film scene by scene, analysing the acting, the lighting, or the cinematography, while inviting the audience to chime in.
On the Wednesday night he held court at a German roadhouse outside Boulder (buffalo steaks and unfeasibly large potatoes.) After some years, I was lucky enough to be asked. The dinner always ended with a crackling exchange of dirty jokes which Roger told brilliantly. (My job was to tell British dirty jokes – Roger was a lifelong Anglophile. When he first had to have a voicebox, he made sure it had an English accent.) He had cancer of the thyroid and even saliva, so that the last time I saw him his meal was two spoonsful of soup. But he never stopped reviewing and writing. It's a terrific privilege to know some people, and he was one.On the Wednesday night he held court at a German roadhouse outside Boulder (buffalo steaks and unfeasibly large potatoes.) After some years, I was lucky enough to be asked. The dinner always ended with a crackling exchange of dirty jokes which Roger told brilliantly. (My job was to tell British dirty jokes – Roger was a lifelong Anglophile. When he first had to have a voicebox, he made sure it had an English accent.) He had cancer of the thyroid and even saliva, so that the last time I saw him his meal was two spoonsful of soup. But he never stopped reviewing and writing. It's a terrific privilege to know some people, and he was one.
✒Last week I mentioned our litter of kittens, and thank you for your lavish advice. A sad moment the other day. We'd read that the tom will sometimes try to track down his offspring. At our back door the other day appeared a black and white cat, exactly the right colouring for our kittens. It stood outside looking in, until the mother gave it the full treatment, arched back, fur on end, hissing and squawking. The poor thing fled to the end of the garden, climbed on the fence and gazed back – in my imagination, plaintively – at the scene. Call Fathers Fur Justice!✒Last week I mentioned our litter of kittens, and thank you for your lavish advice. A sad moment the other day. We'd read that the tom will sometimes try to track down his offspring. At our back door the other day appeared a black and white cat, exactly the right colouring for our kittens. It stood outside looking in, until the mother gave it the full treatment, arched back, fur on end, hissing and squawking. The poor thing fled to the end of the garden, climbed on the fence and gazed back – in my imagination, plaintively – at the scene. Call Fathers Fur Justice!
✒Speaking of pets, I apologise for a mistake last week. I thought the giant billboard in Los Angeles, advertising canine plastic surgery with the message "is your dog a total 'dog'?" was richly offensive. I also thought it must be real. Who would spend tens of thousands on a feeble joke? And if you Google "US canine plastic surgery" you'll find 1,620,000 sites. But it was a joke, an ad for a TV show. Sorry.✒Speaking of pets, I apologise for a mistake last week. I thought the giant billboard in Los Angeles, advertising canine plastic surgery with the message "is your dog a total 'dog'?" was richly offensive. I also thought it must be real. Who would spend tens of thousands on a feeble joke? And if you Google "US canine plastic surgery" you'll find 1,620,000 sites. But it was a joke, an ad for a TV show. Sorry.
✒I was amazed at the ink devoted to the views of the former poet laureate, Andrew Motion, who thinks second homes should be taxed higher. He may be right, but why do we assume that a poet – even an esteemed poet – should have opinions which are more valuable than anyone else's?✒I was amazed at the ink devoted to the views of the former poet laureate, Andrew Motion, who thinks second homes should be taxed higher. He may be right, but why do we assume that a poet – even an esteemed poet – should have opinions which are more valuable than anyone else's?
And why is it never the other way round? "Bring back iambic pentameters!" says chairman of National Housing Federation". Top bankers demand rhyming verse!And why is it never the other way round? "Bring back iambic pentameters!" says chairman of National Housing Federation". Top bankers demand rhyming verse!
We all have our opinions. But I suspect that writers are actually less worth heeding, because they regard themselves as so uniquely important, so culturally sensitive.We all have our opinions. But I suspect that writers are actually less worth heeding, because they regard themselves as so uniquely important, so culturally sensitive.
I had no interest in Harold Pinter's views on US foreign policy, Salman Rushdie – a wealthy public schoolboy – on the politics of world poverty, or those British scribes who pontificate on the decline of the UK from their million dollar lofts in New York.I had no interest in Harold Pinter's views on US foreign policy, Salman Rushdie – a wealthy public schoolboy – on the politics of world poverty, or those British scribes who pontificate on the decline of the UK from their million dollar lofts in New York.
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