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God help us as BoJo and Pippa paddle up for the apocalypse God help us as BoJo and Pippa paddle up for the apocalypse
(6 months later)
As a fan of the Book of Revelation – its recipes are excellent and I always recommend the rivers of hellfire nachos – I was taken aback when rereading the text this week. I was getting to my favourite bit, when the seals are broken and the four horsemen of the apocalypse canter in, when I noticed the following detail that I hadn't seen before:As a fan of the Book of Revelation – its recipes are excellent and I always recommend the rivers of hellfire nachos – I was taken aback when rereading the text this week. I was getting to my favourite bit, when the seals are broken and the four horsemen of the apocalypse canter in, when I noticed the following detail that I hadn't seen before:
"Behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him. And power was given unto them over the fourth part of the earth, to kill with sword, and with hunger, and with death, and with the beasts of the earth. And also to have a game of ping-pong between Boris Johnson and Pippa Middleton."
"Behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him. And power was given unto them over the fourth part of the earth, to kill with sword, and with hunger, and with death, and with the beasts of the earth. And also to have a game of ping-pong between Boris Johnson and Pippa Middleton."
My god, I thought. A game of whiff-whaff? Between BoJo and P-Middy? But that … no, it can't be?! I just read about that in the Guardian!My god, I thought. A game of whiff-whaff? Between BoJo and P-Middy? But that … no, it can't be?! I just read about that in the Guardian!
At an unspecified date in the near future, the mayor of London will ace off with the sister of the Duchess of Cambridge at table tennis. And apparently the end of the world will not be far behind. The match seems likely to be held in the gardens of Spectator magazine, where Johnson was once editor and where this week Middleton laid down her whiff-whaff gauntlet at the end of a lengthy account of the "hardship" of going skiing and wearing Crocs.At an unspecified date in the near future, the mayor of London will ace off with the sister of the Duchess of Cambridge at table tennis. And apparently the end of the world will not be far behind. The match seems likely to be held in the gardens of Spectator magazine, where Johnson was once editor and where this week Middleton laid down her whiff-whaff gauntlet at the end of a lengthy account of the "hardship" of going skiing and wearing Crocs.
"I'm informed that Boris Johnson … wants to be 'whiff-whaff' world king even more than he wants to be prime minister," she writes, though I don't believe it. With the uncanny memory for brand names that she has made her calling card, Middleton goes on: "So I'd like to lay down a challenge to the mayor. My only stipulation is that I can use my favourite Dunlop Blackstorm Nemesis bat." The Spectator is gleefully looking forward to the event and has suggested that Pol Roger will be served, though I have no idea who he is."I'm informed that Boris Johnson … wants to be 'whiff-whaff' world king even more than he wants to be prime minister," she writes, though I don't believe it. With the uncanny memory for brand names that she has made her calling card, Middleton goes on: "So I'd like to lay down a challenge to the mayor. My only stipulation is that I can use my favourite Dunlop Blackstorm Nemesis bat." The Spectator is gleefully looking forward to the event and has suggested that Pol Roger will be served, though I have no idea who he is.
This week began with The Day Britain Changed, as changes to housing, disability and council tax benefits began to be introduced. Oh, and legal aid was cut and the structure of the NHS changed irrevocably. It continued with the verdict in the Philpott case and the subsequent, scandalous row over the influence of the welfare state. In other news, there were threats of nuclear attack from North Korea while the UK's winter continued into summer time and just didn't feel right.This week began with The Day Britain Changed, as changes to housing, disability and council tax benefits began to be introduced. Oh, and legal aid was cut and the structure of the NHS changed irrevocably. It continued with the verdict in the Philpott case and the subsequent, scandalous row over the influence of the welfare state. In other news, there were threats of nuclear attack from North Korea while the UK's winter continued into summer time and just didn't feel right.
This whole cacophony of bad news has terrible consequences for individuals but has a collective effect too. The mood right now is miserable. People are struggling to retain their sense of humour. By way of example, I can tell you I watched an entire episode of Masterchef this week and only laughed at Gregg Wallace once. So perhaps an amicable publicity-garnering table tennis match is just what we need. Like a royal wedding, only with more long pimpled rubber (unless, that is, you believe the stories about Kate and Wills's honeymoon).This whole cacophony of bad news has terrible consequences for individuals but has a collective effect too. The mood right now is miserable. People are struggling to retain their sense of humour. By way of example, I can tell you I watched an entire episode of Masterchef this week and only laughed at Gregg Wallace once. So perhaps an amicable publicity-garnering table tennis match is just what we need. Like a royal wedding, only with more long pimpled rubber (unless, that is, you believe the stories about Kate and Wills's honeymoon).
I'm not so sure. As hard reality bites down on ever more Britons, I find it increasingly tough to stomach the blithe jollity of those inured against actual, non-Croc-related hardship. Both Johnson and Middleton junior will continue to be presented as being representative of Britain in magazines, papers and TV shows, but the distance between their lives and those of everyone else will only continue to grow. It is perhaps also ironic that their sport of choice is massively popular in deprived urban areas but has had all its funding cut by UK Sport (having failed to reach its Olympic medal targets unlike, say, equestrianism). Roll on the whiff-whaff and the apocalypse that follows. Let them eat Dunlop Blackstorm Nemesis.I'm not so sure. As hard reality bites down on ever more Britons, I find it increasingly tough to stomach the blithe jollity of those inured against actual, non-Croc-related hardship. Both Johnson and Middleton junior will continue to be presented as being representative of Britain in magazines, papers and TV shows, but the distance between their lives and those of everyone else will only continue to grow. It is perhaps also ironic that their sport of choice is massively popular in deprived urban areas but has had all its funding cut by UK Sport (having failed to reach its Olympic medal targets unlike, say, equestrianism). Roll on the whiff-whaff and the apocalypse that follows. Let them eat Dunlop Blackstorm Nemesis.
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