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Thinking of selling a kidney? Just lie back and think of England Thinking of selling a kidney? Just lie back and think of England
(7 months later)
Hello, English people. I know others may be reading this, but let's imagine I'm the BBC and this is a major sporting event being broadcast to the whole UK. No, no, only teasing.Hello, English people. I know others may be reading this, but let's imagine I'm the BBC and this is a major sporting event being broadcast to the whole UK. No, no, only teasing.
But it is you I'm particularly addressing. I now dwell among you in your quaint and inexpensive capital, where I can see you in your native habitat. I've met you before, naturally. Both my parents were English, many of my chums are and the gentleman I dote upon most is English in his excellent entirety. So, now then, England, I worry for you. I really do.But it is you I'm particularly addressing. I now dwell among you in your quaint and inexpensive capital, where I can see you in your native habitat. I've met you before, naturally. Both my parents were English, many of my chums are and the gentleman I dote upon most is English in his excellent entirety. So, now then, England, I worry for you. I really do.
The other day I overheard one of you begin a sentence with both "Sorry" and "Excuse me". And he was making a complaint. I observe your cheerful mummers and Molly dancers, your apparent ability (Hilary Mantel aside) to be soothed by aristocratic nakedness and pregnancy and I wonder if you're happy inside. I wonder if you truly enjoy constantly apologising for the so many resources you once enjoyed that are no longer fit for purpose. I wonder if you genuinely believe an ideal social contract could be based solely on the Downton Abbey Christmas specials, as the press suggests.The other day I overheard one of you begin a sentence with both "Sorry" and "Excuse me". And he was making a complaint. I observe your cheerful mummers and Molly dancers, your apparent ability (Hilary Mantel aside) to be soothed by aristocratic nakedness and pregnancy and I wonder if you're happy inside. I wonder if you truly enjoy constantly apologising for the so many resources you once enjoyed that are no longer fit for purpose. I wonder if you genuinely believe an ideal social contract could be based solely on the Downton Abbey Christmas specials, as the press suggests.
Then I look at the now-standard posters displayed in areas where transport, education, healthcare or assistance used to happen. They all say something along the lines of, "Don't threaten or yell at us." They suggest outbursts and fisticuffs may take place. Such behaviour solves nothing and further distresses staff in organisations designed to be incompetent and therefore deter visitors from returning. It's unfortunate that the incompetence provokes the discontent that provokes the posters. I can't abide violence, England, and would never recommend it, but perhaps in the space between fury and silence, or between "sorry" and "excuse me", there might be ways to voice your discontent and to realise, in the process, how many of you share it.Then I look at the now-standard posters displayed in areas where transport, education, healthcare or assistance used to happen. They all say something along the lines of, "Don't threaten or yell at us." They suggest outbursts and fisticuffs may take place. Such behaviour solves nothing and further distresses staff in organisations designed to be incompetent and therefore deter visitors from returning. It's unfortunate that the incompetence provokes the discontent that provokes the posters. I can't abide violence, England, and would never recommend it, but perhaps in the space between fury and silence, or between "sorry" and "excuse me", there might be ways to voice your discontent and to realise, in the process, how many of you share it.
The imposition of "austerity" means Britain is bleeding and there's worse to come, but in Wales and Scotland the haemorrhage is slightly less severe, the philosophy is different, public tolerance and official prudence have different histories, the assemblies and the parliament can act as, albeit inadequate, protection, even in Northern Ireland. Scotland also has the option of courteous divorce. In England the Downton state will be imposed upon you without compromise: 1% upstairs, 99% downstairs. After the Eastleigh dust has settled, might you perhaps ask very nicely, but firmly, not to be hurt by those you pay to govern you?The imposition of "austerity" means Britain is bleeding and there's worse to come, but in Wales and Scotland the haemorrhage is slightly less severe, the philosophy is different, public tolerance and official prudence have different histories, the assemblies and the parliament can act as, albeit inadequate, protection, even in Northern Ireland. Scotland also has the option of courteous divorce. In England the Downton state will be imposed upon you without compromise: 1% upstairs, 99% downstairs. After the Eastleigh dust has settled, might you perhaps ask very nicely, but firmly, not to be hurt by those you pay to govern you?
Of course our media tend to offer us opportunities to idolise old and new money instead of entertainment, or information, but I know that doesn't mean you tolerate their values. (Or, to paraphrase Oscar Wilde, their prices.) A comatose shrew could work out that our hospitals, schools, economic policy, transport networks and an increasing majority of seats in parliament probably shouldn't be in the hands of people for whom standing in a queue would be an impossibly strange adventure. We need our public servants to have the ingenuity and determination of the asylum seekers who managed to get here without dying, the street kids (since when was it normal for us to have street kids ?) who managed to eat today, the students who have completed a degree course without resorting to freelance organ sales (we all have a spare kidney. And a lung) or the DLA claimants who have survived Atos reassessment. Our best hope in a crisis most likely doesn't rest with those whose response to the everyday puzzles of life – a sick son, a slipped disc, a tax bill, running out of biscuits – is uniformly and unimaginatively "Somebody deals with it."Of course our media tend to offer us opportunities to idolise old and new money instead of entertainment, or information, but I know that doesn't mean you tolerate their values. (Or, to paraphrase Oscar Wilde, their prices.) A comatose shrew could work out that our hospitals, schools, economic policy, transport networks and an increasing majority of seats in parliament probably shouldn't be in the hands of people for whom standing in a queue would be an impossibly strange adventure. We need our public servants to have the ingenuity and determination of the asylum seekers who managed to get here without dying, the street kids (since when was it normal for us to have street kids ?) who managed to eat today, the students who have completed a degree course without resorting to freelance organ sales (we all have a spare kidney. And a lung) or the DLA claimants who have survived Atos reassessment. Our best hope in a crisis most likely doesn't rest with those whose response to the everyday puzzles of life – a sick son, a slipped disc, a tax bill, running out of biscuits – is uniformly and unimaginatively "Somebody deals with it."
Having great wealth is, in a way, a much-lauded type of disability. Like some other special needs, it may mean you can't dress yourself. And it can lead to psychological difficulties – for many, wealth becomes a kind of remarkable child. It must be fed, tended and must flourish above all others and its parents must never be told how to care for it. So no taxes, no transparency, no environmental controls, no health and safety, no minimum wage. We mustn't disturb baby. This isn't just about greed, or a justifiable fear of poverty, it's about obsession, about love. The opposition to anything other than baby-coddling brands of change is visceral. And, as strong emotions are confusing, the wealthy – who are at least supposed to understand money – can get things terribly wrong, incur dire losses and damage others horribly as they try to protect their vast bundles of joy. Hence our current recession and hence the solutions offered to cure it, which are all about bringing up baby, rather than economic recovery for the majority.Having great wealth is, in a way, a much-lauded type of disability. Like some other special needs, it may mean you can't dress yourself. And it can lead to psychological difficulties – for many, wealth becomes a kind of remarkable child. It must be fed, tended and must flourish above all others and its parents must never be told how to care for it. So no taxes, no transparency, no environmental controls, no health and safety, no minimum wage. We mustn't disturb baby. This isn't just about greed, or a justifiable fear of poverty, it's about obsession, about love. The opposition to anything other than baby-coddling brands of change is visceral. And, as strong emotions are confusing, the wealthy – who are at least supposed to understand money – can get things terribly wrong, incur dire losses and damage others horribly as they try to protect their vast bundles of joy. Hence our current recession and hence the solutions offered to cure it, which are all about bringing up baby, rather than economic recovery for the majority.
In England, for example, I have personally discovered that old Downton values mean simple conveyancing involves levels of helplessness, betrayal and psychic collapse that cause Scottish lawyers and slightly less smug observers to either giggle, or resort to prayer. Those wealthy enough to own land are endlessly rewarded, everyone else can fight it out. And the English just put up with it. New Downton means the most vulnerable do most to support the debt bubble on which our economy balances. Those least able to manage have to manage most: the culled council house stock, the impossibility of escaping high rents, the bedroom tax, the lack of one-bedroom houses, in short the endless hounding of people who have done nothing wrong other than to be poor, old, young, weak, female, not white. If you like, having no one left to prey upon, the empire has come home to eat itself and, although I hate to contradict David Cameron, being consumed by an alien power only makes for a wonderful party if you like being a canapé.In England, for example, I have personally discovered that old Downton values mean simple conveyancing involves levels of helplessness, betrayal and psychic collapse that cause Scottish lawyers and slightly less smug observers to either giggle, or resort to prayer. Those wealthy enough to own land are endlessly rewarded, everyone else can fight it out. And the English just put up with it. New Downton means the most vulnerable do most to support the debt bubble on which our economy balances. Those least able to manage have to manage most: the culled council house stock, the impossibility of escaping high rents, the bedroom tax, the lack of one-bedroom houses, in short the endless hounding of people who have done nothing wrong other than to be poor, old, young, weak, female, not white. If you like, having no one left to prey upon, the empire has come home to eat itself and, although I hate to contradict David Cameron, being consumed by an alien power only makes for a wonderful party if you like being a canapé.
It seems the next tranche of "welfare reforms" – I suppose hitting something with a hammer does reform it – will compel all claimants to open bank accounts. It's more than possible that negative interest rates will then punish them for doing so. Beyond April, the Downton state will cleanse whole boroughs of the financially onerous and potentially unsightly poor. (Sort of like asking your servants to use the back stairs, so you don't have to see them. Or tunnels. Tunnels would be good.) And anyone who needs a disability benefit to survive will be forced deeper into repeating cycles of cynical reassessments, humiliation, cancellations, appeals, stress, reinstated benefits, reassessments… Outside the Paralympics, most disabilities below penthouse level are not lauded.It seems the next tranche of "welfare reforms" – I suppose hitting something with a hammer does reform it – will compel all claimants to open bank accounts. It's more than possible that negative interest rates will then punish them for doing so. Beyond April, the Downton state will cleanse whole boroughs of the financially onerous and potentially unsightly poor. (Sort of like asking your servants to use the back stairs, so you don't have to see them. Or tunnels. Tunnels would be good.) And anyone who needs a disability benefit to survive will be forced deeper into repeating cycles of cynical reassessments, humiliation, cancellations, appeals, stress, reinstated benefits, reassessments… Outside the Paralympics, most disabilities below penthouse level are not lauded.
Both excuse me and sorry, England, but even if you weren't the land of Tom Paine, John Ball, Elizabeth Fry, and so many feisty and uppity sons and daughters, you would still deserve better. Everyone does.Both excuse me and sorry, England, but even if you weren't the land of Tom Paine, John Ball, Elizabeth Fry, and so many feisty and uppity sons and daughters, you would still deserve better. Everyone does.
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