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Lucy Mangan: my picks to be the next pope Lucy Mangan: my picks to be the next pope
(7 months later)
Let's see. Quentin Tarantino has a girlfriend called Spiderbaby. Jimmy Choo has produced, and is selling for £105, a pink leather cup-sleeve that protects fashion-conscious fingers from the heat of a takeaway coffee. (I'm assuming you've ordered a grande stupiddiato with dongbrain sprinkles. Enjoy!) Kate Winslet is married to someone called Ned Rocknroll, and a friend was recently invited to dine at a restaurant that celebrates "the spirit of nowness".Let's see. Quentin Tarantino has a girlfriend called Spiderbaby. Jimmy Choo has produced, and is selling for £105, a pink leather cup-sleeve that protects fashion-conscious fingers from the heat of a takeaway coffee. (I'm assuming you've ordered a grande stupiddiato with dongbrain sprinkles. Enjoy!) Kate Winslet is married to someone called Ned Rocknroll, and a friend was recently invited to dine at a restaurant that celebrates "the spirit of nowness".
On the grounds that clearly anything in the world is now possible, let us turn to the Catholic church – currently seeking candidates to fill the post of pope, now that Benedict XVI has resigned to spend more time with his books and Cardinal Keith O'Brien has stepped down to spend more time with his hobbies and/or preparing his defence, depending on what those hobbies turn out to have been. I've decided to help the Vatican with its job search by throwing wide the doors of perception and suggesting a few aspirants whose applications the miniature state might not have yet thought to solicit…On the grounds that clearly anything in the world is now possible, let us turn to the Catholic church – currently seeking candidates to fill the post of pope, now that Benedict XVI has resigned to spend more time with his books and Cardinal Keith O'Brien has stepped down to spend more time with his hobbies and/or preparing his defence, depending on what those hobbies turn out to have been. I've decided to help the Vatican with its job search by throwing wide the doors of perception and suggesting a few aspirants whose applications the miniature state might not have yet thought to solicit…
Boris Johnson Has the Latin.Boris Johnson Has the Latin.
David Cameron One of the few people who could do less harm as head of a church than he is doing in his current role as head of government. He'll still feel like he has power, but instead of being able to impose his will on a citizenry, his followers will ultimately be free to follow the dictates of conscience instead. Say Pope Dave said, "I decree that all people with a chronic illness or disability should be treated as lying, thieving scum until a) proven otherwise or b) they die, quite possibly from stress exacerbating their conditions". Then everyone would be free to make some internal play on the words "papal bull" and continue to forge lives built on a sense of common humanity instead of on greed, political expediency and a strange kind of quisling arrogance.David Cameron One of the few people who could do less harm as head of a church than he is doing in his current role as head of government. He'll still feel like he has power, but instead of being able to impose his will on a citizenry, his followers will ultimately be free to follow the dictates of conscience instead. Say Pope Dave said, "I decree that all people with a chronic illness or disability should be treated as lying, thieving scum until a) proven otherwise or b) they die, quite possibly from stress exacerbating their conditions". Then everyone would be free to make some internal play on the words "papal bull" and continue to forge lives built on a sense of common humanity instead of on greed, political expediency and a strange kind of quisling arrogance.
Judi Dench A woman, and yet nobody could possibly object because who doesn't love Judi Dench? Of course, she might have to stand on a box to be seen over balconies and stuff, but you're not telling me that a state that has its own Philatelic and Numismatic Office doesn't also have, tucked away in one of its cloistered corners, a Fine Pontifex-Plinth Worker for the Supplementing of Papal Heights and Promulgation of the Greater Glory of God During Masses, Blessings, Wavings and Anything Else Taking Place Behind An Overlarge Pulpit Or Some Other Kind Of Obstruction.Judi Dench A woman, and yet nobody could possibly object because who doesn't love Judi Dench? Of course, she might have to stand on a box to be seen over balconies and stuff, but you're not telling me that a state that has its own Philatelic and Numismatic Office doesn't also have, tucked away in one of its cloistered corners, a Fine Pontifex-Plinth Worker for the Supplementing of Papal Heights and Promulgation of the Greater Glory of God During Masses, Blessings, Wavings and Anything Else Taking Place Behind An Overlarge Pulpit Or Some Other Kind Of Obstruction.
Jessica Chastain We now know, from her appearance at the 85th Academy Awards, that she can totally rock a bejewelled Armani frock. Plus is tall enough to see over balconies and her work in Zero Dark Thirty suggests she could swing a thurible with authority if called upon. And finally…Jessica Chastain We now know, from her appearance at the 85th Academy Awards, that she can totally rock a bejewelled Armani frock. Plus is tall enough to see over balconies and her work in Zero Dark Thirty suggests she could swing a thurible with authority if called upon. And finally…
Frank Skinner A devout if, well, let's call it slightly harum-scarum Catholic, who should be able to inject a note of modernity and fun into what – forgive me – occasionally seems an overly grave, if not entirely moribund, institution. Plus has a well-documented fondness for partaking in certain sexual acts with consenting, adult women, which could take the church in a whole new direction. Also, as his autobiography notes, he has a head the shape of a lightbulb, which could be very good news on the mitre-wearing front.Frank Skinner A devout if, well, let's call it slightly harum-scarum Catholic, who should be able to inject a note of modernity and fun into what – forgive me – occasionally seems an overly grave, if not entirely moribund, institution. Plus has a well-documented fondness for partaking in certain sexual acts with consenting, adult women, which could take the church in a whole new direction. Also, as his autobiography notes, he has a head the shape of a lightbulb, which could be very good news on the mitre-wearing front.
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