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| Obama's state of the union speech … in an alternate universe | |
| (about 5 hours later) | |
| In striking evidence for the many-worlds interpretation of quantum mechanics, which predicts that all possible versions of events are taking place in parallel universes, physicists have detected this alternative version of last night's state of the union address, delivered in another dimension and provided exclusively to the Guardian: | In striking evidence for the many-worlds interpretation of quantum mechanics, which predicts that all possible versions of events are taking place in parallel universes, physicists have detected this alternative version of last night's state of the union address, delivered in another dimension and provided exclusively to the Guardian: |
| Mr Speaker, Mr Vice-President, members of Congress, fellow citizens: | Mr Speaker, Mr Vice-President, members of Congress, fellow citizens: |
| Fifty-one years ago, John F Kennedy declared to this chamber that "the constitution makes us not rivals for power, but partners for progress". The job of improving the nation, he said, is a task for every one of us. But let's be honest: that was mainly because he was engaged in a truly epic number of extra-marital affairs, so he didn't have much time to do it himself. | Fifty-one years ago, John F Kennedy declared to this chamber that "the constitution makes us not rivals for power, but partners for progress". The job of improving the nation, he said, is a task for every one of us. But let's be honest: that was mainly because he was engaged in a truly epic number of extra-marital affairs, so he didn't have much time to do it himself. |
| Tonight, there is much progress to report, thanks to the grit and determination of lots of American people. Let's be honest: not the whole "American people". There's a huge number of you who haven't been pulling your weight, and there's even a minority who appear actively intent on making things worse. (I'm looking at you, Ted Nugent!) But it's my job as president to flatter you all. Whatever. | Tonight, there is much progress to report, thanks to the grit and determination of lots of American people. Let's be honest: not the whole "American people". There's a huge number of you who haven't been pulling your weight, and there's even a minority who appear actively intent on making things worse. (I'm looking at you, Ted Nugent!) But it's my job as president to flatter you all. Whatever. |
| And yet, for all the progress, our work is not yet done. I am here tonight to tell you that it is time for us to restore the original vision of the founders of the United States, apart from all that stuff about massive swathes of the population being denied basic rights. | And yet, for all the progress, our work is not yet done. I am here tonight to tell you that it is time for us to restore the original vision of the founders of the United States, apart from all that stuff about massive swathes of the population being denied basic rights. |
| And that it is time for us to reignite the true engine of America's economic growth, which is a strong and thriving middle class, with plentiful jobs for hardworking families. | And that it is time for us to reignite the true engine of America's economic growth, which is a strong and thriving middle class, with plentiful jobs for hardworking families. |
| (By the way, isn't it strange how it doesn't count as "class warfare" if the class you go to war for is the middle one? I mean, you can't even have a middle class without lower and upper ones, can you? Oh, man, that's such a weird thought when you really focus on it. Woah.) | (By the way, isn't it strange how it doesn't count as "class warfare" if the class you go to war for is the middle one? I mean, you can't even have a middle class without lower and upper ones, can you? Oh, man, that's such a weird thought when you really focus on it. Woah.) |
| That's why tonight I'm announcing a "Solve The Problems" program, to put people to work as soon as possible, solving America's problems, using state-of-the-art problem-solving techniques developed at America's leading universities. Details to follow. | That's why tonight I'm announcing a "Solve The Problems" program, to put people to work as soon as possible, solving America's problems, using state-of-the-art problem-solving techniques developed at America's leading universities. Details to follow. |
| And, you know, I've been thinking: we talk all the time about hardworking families, but is it really fair that families who aren't hardworking should be disadvantaged economically? I mean, if you're born into a family where you're brought up to be lazy, is that really your fault? Also, what about single people? | And, you know, I've been thinking: we talk all the time about hardworking families, but is it really fair that families who aren't hardworking should be disadvantaged economically? I mean, if you're born into a family where you're brought up to be lazy, is that really your fault? Also, what about single people? |
| It's also long past time that our wives, our daughters and our mothers enjoyed full equality of pay, freedom from discrimination, and the right to fight on the frontlines, as part of our military. And then one day, if we really crack this whole gender-equality thing, I might even stop referring to women, in speeches, as "our wives, our daughters and our mothers". We'll see! | It's also long past time that our wives, our daughters and our mothers enjoyed full equality of pay, freedom from discrimination, and the right to fight on the frontlines, as part of our military. And then one day, if we really crack this whole gender-equality thing, I might even stop referring to women, in speeches, as "our wives, our daughters and our mothers". We'll see! |
| But there are obstacles ahead. The greatest nation on earth cannot keep conducting its business by drifting from one manufactured crisis to the next. Wait, though – why am I even talking about the greatest nation on earth? It's up to the Danes to decide how they want to govern Denmark, after all! I'm not really sure what "the greatest nation on Earth" means, anyway, and whatever the definition, it's really OK if we're not it, you know. We don't always need to be best at everything. | But there are obstacles ahead. The greatest nation on earth cannot keep conducting its business by drifting from one manufactured crisis to the next. Wait, though – why am I even talking about the greatest nation on earth? It's up to the Danes to decide how they want to govern Denmark, after all! I'm not really sure what "the greatest nation on Earth" means, anyway, and whatever the definition, it's really OK if we're not it, you know. We don't always need to be best at everything. |
| So let us put aside partisanship, reach across the aisle, fix our eyes on the summit, write the next chapter in the book of shopworn metaphors, and continue the task of making America great. | So let us put aside partisanship, reach across the aisle, fix our eyes on the summit, write the next chapter in the book of shopworn metaphors, and continue the task of making America great. |
| I plan to do this by maintaining the appearance of bipartisanship, while finding ways to highlight the extremism of the Republican party, so that they lose the midterms in 2014 and I finally get to do some substantive things during my last years in office. | I plan to do this by maintaining the appearance of bipartisanship, while finding ways to highlight the extremism of the Republican party, so that they lose the midterms in 2014 and I finally get to do some substantive things during my last years in office. |
| There may or may not be a God – it really depends on how you define your terms – and in any case, asking him to bless America is probably ineffective. | There may or may not be a God – it really depends on how you define your terms – and in any case, asking him to bless America is probably ineffective. |
| OK, later. | OK, later. |
| [Applause] | [Applause] |