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You can find the current article at its original source at http://www.guardian.co.uk/politics/2013/feb/11/simon-hoggart-sketch-horsemeat-cameron
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| Horse on menu but PM's hair is mane event | Horse on menu but PM's hair is mane event |
| (8 days later) | |
| The big statement was on the horsemeat scandal. Just before the discussion, one Labour backbencher texted me: "China has jumped on the Tesco bandwagon. They're selling quarter-pandas." | The big statement was on the horsemeat scandal. Just before the discussion, one Labour backbencher texted me: "China has jumped on the Tesco bandwagon. They're selling quarter-pandas." |
| Tesco did not have a good afternoon. I arrived to hear the environment secretary, Owen Paterson, describe a "Tesco burger with a flagrant adulteration of horsemeat". | Tesco did not have a good afternoon. I arrived to hear the environment secretary, Owen Paterson, describe a "Tesco burger with a flagrant adulteration of horsemeat". |
| Labour's Barry Gardiner wanted to know how it was that supermarkets such as Tesco could ruin farmers by rejecting all their fruit and veg as "mis-shapen" while not even bothering to test their meat. | Labour's Barry Gardiner wanted to know how it was that supermarkets such as Tesco could ruin farmers by rejecting all their fruit and veg as "mis-shapen" while not even bothering to test their meat. |
| Nor was it a great day for Paterson, who has given the impression of being a few days behind the scandal. Last Friday No 10 told the press that he was working hard on getting a grip, while in fact he had to be dragged back to London from a relaxing weekend. | Nor was it a great day for Paterson, who has given the impression of being a few days behind the scandal. Last Friday No 10 told the press that he was working hard on getting a grip, while in fact he had to be dragged back to London from a relaxing weekend. |
| The Labour shadow environment minister, Mary Creagh, did appear to have been following events at first hand. She said that 70,000 horses had gone missing from Northern Ireland alone, which seems a lot [see footnote]. | |
| Apparently unwanted nags are sold for €10 (£8.50), then sold on for food for €500. Many are sodden with bute, the horse equivalent of ibuprofen and not good for us, even as a spicy flavouring. | Apparently unwanted nags are sold for €10 (£8.50), then sold on for food for €500. Many are sodden with bute, the horse equivalent of ibuprofen and not good for us, even as a spicy flavouring. |
| Paterson shouted at her. "She went on a bit about the police, er, she went on and on about the police. No, seriously…" He was beginning to sound like a failing comedian desperate to get the audience onside. | Paterson shouted at her. "She went on a bit about the police, er, she went on and on about the police. No, seriously…" He was beginning to sound like a failing comedian desperate to get the audience onside. |
| At one point he attempted what I think of as the Any Questions defence, which is to make a ringing yet meaningless declaration. | At one point he attempted what I think of as the Any Questions defence, which is to make a ringing yet meaningless declaration. |
| "You will find no stauncher supporter of British beef than the secretary of state who stands before you!" Beware ministers who speak about themselves in the third person. Or use words like "stauncher". | "You will find no stauncher supporter of British beef than the secretary of state who stands before you!" Beware ministers who speak about themselves in the third person. Or use words like "stauncher". |
| Earlier, David Cameron, reporting on the EU summit, was greeted by gasps, and cries of astonishment. | Earlier, David Cameron, reporting on the EU summit, was greeted by gasps, and cries of astonishment. |
| It was the first sight we'd had of the way he has started to back-comb his hair from halfway across the top of his scalp! He looked superb, like a 30s bandleader. No wonder the Tories yelled and cheered! | It was the first sight we'd had of the way he has started to back-comb his hair from halfway across the top of his scalp! He looked superb, like a 30s bandleader. No wonder the Tories yelled and cheered! |
| They were also thrilled by the first ever reduction in the EU budget. The PM was happy to take all the credit. The words "Germany" and "Merkel" did not crop up once in his statement. It was all him, him, him. Tory Eurosceptics lined up to say what a magnificent job he had done. Edward Leigh said he had proved to be "more sceptical than the sceptics". | They were also thrilled by the first ever reduction in the EU budget. The PM was happy to take all the credit. The words "Germany" and "Merkel" did not crop up once in his statement. It was all him, him, him. Tory Eurosceptics lined up to say what a magnificent job he had done. Edward Leigh said he had proved to be "more sceptical than the sceptics". |
| Peter Bone, the skull beneath the skin, said he was no longer the heir to Blair – he was now the heir to Thatcher! But beneath all this flattery from the headbangers, I heard the Kray twins thanking a club owner for paying his protection money on time. | Peter Bone, the skull beneath the skin, said he was no longer the heir to Blair – he was now the heir to Thatcher! But beneath all this flattery from the headbangers, I heard the Kray twins thanking a club owner for paying his protection money on time. |
| "Very well done, my friend. Let's keep it up, shall we? Wouldn't want anyfink to happen to that nice premiership of yours, would we?" | "Very well done, my friend. Let's keep it up, shall we? Wouldn't want anyfink to happen to that nice premiership of yours, would we?" |
| • This footnote was added on 18 February 2013. While Mary Creagh did say that the Ulster Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals had reported that 70,000 horses were unaccounted for in Northern Ireland, she later said this was a slip of the tongue. The USPCA says the figure actually refers to the drop in the horse population over a five-year period across the whole of the 32 counties of the Irish Republic and Northern Ireland. |