Cameron's big idea for uniting the Tories: homosexualist weddings

http://www.guardian.co.uk/politics/2013/feb/06/john-crace-westminster-digested-gay

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Cameron: God, I'm exhausted. All that flying around Africa.

Osborne: Did you get anything much done?

Cameron: Oh yes! I asked the important question.

Osborne: Which is?

Cameron: Why the names of all the countries I was visiting end in an A.

Hague: Did someone mention Venezuela?

Osborne: And what was the answer?

Cameron: Top secret, I'm afraid. Need to know and all that, Ozzy.

Huhne: I'm not guilty. OK?

Cameron: Yes, yes. Of course you aren't. Now, where was I? Ah yes! I feel so lonely these days. The life of the international statesman is the road less travelled.

Blair: Tell me about it, Dave! Very few understand just how much walking among the little people of the world to bless and comfort them takes out of you.

Cameron: And you get so little thanks for it.

Blair: It's extraordinary. But you get used to dealing with ingratitude. I've learned to accept that my reward shall be in heaven.

Blair's accountant: Your current net worth is somewhere around £45m.

Blair: Heaven is very generous. All you can do is be true to yourself and make sure that any war you start takes place a long way from home.

Cameron: Is Mali far enough away, do you think?

Blair: Very definitely.

Cameron: And how does one end such a war?

Blair: That's really not your problem.

Huhne: I said, I'm not bloody guilty.

Cameron: And now there's all these bastards in my own party who want to get someone else to do my job. Even my black man in Plymouth has turned against me.

Adam Afriyie: Actually, I'm from Windsor.

Cameron: Don't be silly. There aren't any black people in Windsor. The Queen wouldn't allow it.

Afriyie: If it makes it easier, it's nothing personal against you.

Cameron: Really?

Afriyie: Absolutely. I can't stand George Osborne either. Hard to believe, but he's even more hopeless than you.

Osborne: It's not easy running the economy when you've never had a proper job before.

Huhne: Actually, I am guilty after all.

Everyone: No! That's just so weird. We had become totally convinced that your wife was capable of bilocation. Because, when you think about it scientifically, if you drive at 745mph and all the traffic lights are green, you can easily get from central London to the speed camera on the M11 in the time allowed.

Clegg: I am saddened and shocked that a Lib Dem MP should have deliberately tried to mislead the public for so long.

Everyone: And that it should turn out to be someone other than you.

Cameron: Don't worry, Cleggster. None of us really liked Huhney anyway. He was far too assertive and pushy. Now, what are we going to do about the by-election?

Clegg: Well, the local Lib Dem activists are quite vocal, but there's every chance you'll win if I continue to be quite so hopeless.

Cameron: That's the spirit. Are you sure you don't mind being hopeless?

Clegg: Not at all, Daddy. I'm very good at it.

Cameron: Good. That's sorted, then. Now I suppose I'd better do something about my own party. Any thoughts on a bill that would show the country the Tories are totally united?

Theresa May: Gay weddings. We need to send out a strong message that the Conservatives are no longer the nasty party.

Cameron: Great plan. Sam's very keen on it, too. Though we must leave plenty of opt out clauses for religions that don't like gays so they don't have to marry them if they don't want to. If you know what I mean.

May: Of course. It would be remarkably intolerant of us to ask the church to treat gays equally.

Sir Roger Gale MP: That's absolutely outrageous. May I just remind the House that I have been married three times, so no one is better qualified to speak on the sanctity of marriage than me. And quite frankly it is absurd to think that anyone other than a man and a woman should be granted such an honour.

Another traditionalist: Hear, hear! Adultery is an holy estate and not something that should be made available to a bunch of same-sex perverts.

Gale: Indeed, if we open marriage up to practising homosexualists then we might as well tear up the Bible completely and let every Tom, Dick or Harry marry his dog.

Yet another traditionalist: Steady on old boy! You're losing some of the Tories from the shires here. They're very fond of their labradors.

Gale: Or worse still, a member of their own family.

The Queen: Shut up, you horrible little man. There's nothing wrong with marrying one of your relatives.

Clegg: Oh, just think, Daddy! We might even be able to get married one day.

Cameron: I'm beginning to go off all this equal opportunities crap.

Osborne: I dunno, Cams. You seem to have split the party almost exactly down the middle.

The Catholic church: We would like to congratulate those brave Tories who have highlighted profound problems with the bill.

Brave Tories: Gay marriage is profoundly disgusting.

Cameron: That worked well. The party is more unified than ever. Any other thoughts?

Osborne: Let me think ... The IFS has just reported that we're going to have borrowed £65bn more than we promised by 2015. So I suppose I could announce that we're not going to change course.

Brave Tories: That's more like it! We don't mind screwing the poor, the old and the ill. It's the buggers screwing themselves we can't stand.