In, out, in, out? The EU hokey-cokey's not really what it's all about

http://www.guardian.co.uk/politics/2013/jan/23/eu-referendum-david-cameron-sketch

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David Cameron offered us the hokey-cokey referendum on the EU. It would be "in, out, in, out, shake it all about". But the shake-it-all-about bit will come first. He is going to tell the sclerotic, overpaid, misguided functionaries of Brussels that there are too many sclerotic, overpaid, misguided functionaries in Brussels. That'll shake 'em all about!

Mr Cameron announced this bid for British independence at Bloomberg, a huge US financial news service. Its European operation is in a futuristic building in London. Like all futuristic structures, it's beginning to look dated. Weird lights and slogans run across the floors. There is a vast aquarium of colour co-ordinated fish. In the atrium, 888 multi-coloured spheres light up as employees log in to their computers. It's the modern equivalent of clocking on: "Your sphere was late lighting up this morning, Perkins. Flu again, or another of your hangovers?"

On giant screens around the building, Bloomberg TV pumped live coverage from the World Economic Forum in Davos, so that the myrmidons could learn the opinions of people who actually matter, unlike elected politicians.

But it was elected politicians to whom the prime minister was speaking. It sounded – and he is good at this kind of reasonable, gosh-who-could-possibly-disagree-with-that? speech – as if it were addressed to normal people. In fact it was aimed at the Tory Hell's Angels who are giving him such a hard time. They must feel like dysfunctional schoolboys who tweet that they're going to bomb the airport, then watch with delight as two dozen fire engines and a Swat team scream up.

Certainly, four hours later at prime minister's questions, they greeted Cameron with massive cheering and waving of order papers, like Bradford fans watching their team beat Aston Villa. I noticed only a minority were making the most noise. They loved his clear unequivocal message: "We are going to leave Europe, unless we decide to stay!"

As always with a Cameron speech, there are the oddities that bring you up short even while it flows past you, as if a few inflatable ducks had been dropped into an Olympic swimming pool. "The biggest danger to the EU comes … from those who denounce new thinking as heresy. Europe has experience of heretics who turned out to have a point!"

Was he comparing himself to the great heretics? Was he Dave Galileo, murmuring that the Earth does go round the sun?

Changing the British mindset – we are an island nation – would be harder than "draining the English channel". But, you think, you can't drain the English channel. It wouldn't work! And as you ponder that, you miss his animadversions on the role of Britain in Europe (which turned out to be largely thrashing the French and the Germans).

Suddenly he was denouncing "fast lanes and slow lanes, and countries missing trains and buses". It was time to "consign the whole weary caravan of metaphors to a permanent siding!" So cramming more weary caravans onto one railway track. Got that?

In the Commons, he abused Ed Miliband for not saying if he would support the in-out referendum, even after Miliband had said he was agin it. This was getting surreal. The Labour leader wanted the PM to promise that he himself would vote to stay in, whatever. Cameron said he wanted to stay in but wouldn't promise because that would give away his negotiating stance.

But we can guess what will happen. The EU leaders will give him some small concessions – he's already bragging about new trade ties with Singapore – and he will bring them back to us like Drake presenting to Elizabeth galleons rammed with Spanish gold.

Meanwhile, on the radio Tony Blair was comparing Cameron to the sheriff in Blazing Saddles who says: "If you don't do what I want, I'll blow my brains out!"

But there is an even more famous scene in that film. All the cowboys sit round the campfire eating beans and farting at each other. Now that's the Tory party!