Muslim-Jewish marriages herald a brave new world

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/belief/2013/jan/19/muslim-jewish-marriages-brave-new-world

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Something surprising is beginning to emerge in marriage patterns between members of different religions in Britain. In the past, "marrying out" was seen either as a religious sin, partnering up with an unbeliever, or as a social crime, betraying the faith group identity.

But in today's much more tolerant, pluralist society, mixed-faith marriage has become commonplace. People who mix together at work, socialise together afterwards. They concentrate on what they have in common – be it music, sport or crosswords – not the theologies that divide them.

In the past century in Britain, intermarriage tend to mean Jews (the main minority faith group) marrying Christians. However, in recent years a new trend has arisen: Muslims intermarrying. It reflects the fact that not only is there now a substantial Muslim community, but it is becoming more integrated in British society.

No one is surprised that some Muslims marry Christians – they are the majority population – but to the astonishment of many, Muslims and Jews are beginning to marry each other. This is unexpected, as the Israel-Arab problems in the Middle East have affected relationships between members of the two faiths over here.

While there are many working for harmony between them, unwarranted prejudices about each other also abound, with some Jews regarding all Muslims as potential suicide bombers and some Muslims seeing all Jews as Uzi-wielding West Bank extremists. The thought that their offspring might marry is the ultimate nightmare (and, for them, much worse than falling in love with a Christian).

There is also a status issue problem. Judaism is matrilineal and Islam patrilineal. If a Jewish woman and a Muslim man marry, then both religions will claim the child. The parents may have agreed to bring him/her up in one faith, or to give a dual identity, but that may not stop grandparents trying to influence matters, sometimes very disruptively.

On the other hand, the fact that young Jews and Muslims are linking up has a positive angle, and shows that the conflict in Middle East is not without hope.

Once the territorial disputes are taken away, there are very few religious problems between Jews and Muslims. Whereas, for instance, Jews play a villainous central role in the Christian story, there is no such demonisation of the other in Judaism and Islam.

There are also practical aspects that make Jewish-Muslim marriages smoother than either of them with Christians: There is no nine-month trauma that many other mixed-faith couples endure over whether an expected child should be circumcised if male. A ritual that is seen by some as "barbaric" or as "mutilation" is regarded by both Jews and Muslims as meaningful and beneficial.

There are also no daily arguments over what foods cannot be kept in the fridge, as both Jews and Muslims have a similar understanding of dietary laws and the avoidance of all pork products.

Will the children of Jewish-Muslim marriages be enriched by their dual heritage or hopelessly confused? Will the couple appreciate each other's traditions or be engaged in constant rounds of religious one-up-manship? As with same-faith marriages, it can go either way – blissfully happy or end in divorce.

The one golden rule is for couples to discuss everything in advance – not just the honeymoon, but home rituals, initiation rites and the involvement of extended family – so that there are no running sores or unexpected hiccups.

And if successful Jewish-Muslim marriages in Britain can be a living example to their co-religionists in the Middle East that peace between them is possible, then maybe God will be smiling too.

• A seminar on mixed-faith relationships is taking place in London on 20th January 2013 led by Jonathan Romain. For details, email rabbi@maidenheadsynagogue.org.uk