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| Version 4 | Version 5 |
|---|---|
| The Mayan apocalypse: why is everyone in such a fever about it? | The Mayan apocalypse: why is everyone in such a fever about it? |
| (8 days later) | |
| Age: As old as idiocy itself. | Age: As old as idiocy itself. |
| Appearance: Back-garden bunkers, tinned food and, eventually, embarrassment. | Appearance: Back-garden bunkers, tinned food and, eventually, embarrassment. |
| Is this about Friday? It is indeed. Specifically, the moment on Friday when the whole world comes to a fiery, watery or in some other way unpleasant and cataclysmic end. | Is this about Friday? It is indeed. Specifically, the moment on Friday when the whole world comes to a fiery, watery or in some other way unpleasant and cataclysmic end. |
| As predicted by the Mayans? Actually, as predicted by absolutely no Mayan prophecies ever, but by quite a few very silly people who aren't aware that when a calendar comes to an end – even an ancient Mayan one – you just need to pop out and buy a new calendar. | As predicted by the Mayans? Actually, as predicted by absolutely no Mayan prophecies ever, but by quite a few very silly people who aren't aware that when a calendar comes to an end – even an ancient Mayan one – you just need to pop out and buy a new calendar. |
| And they've gone feverish in anticipation? You could say that. In fact, you could say a mile-high tidal wave of apocalypse fever is sweeping across the planet as we speak. | And they've gone feverish in anticipation? You could say that. In fact, you could say a mile-high tidal wave of apocalypse fever is sweeping across the planet as we speak. |
| Could you really? Of course. But it would be a massive overexaggeration. In reality, at best, it's lapping at the knees of a paddling toddler on a beach in Dorset. | Could you really? Of course. But it would be a massive overexaggeration. In reality, at best, it's lapping at the knees of a paddling toddler on a beach in Dorset. |
| So what is apocalypse fever, then? Just a few bulging pockets of apocalyptic stupidity. | So what is apocalypse fever, then? Just a few bulging pockets of apocalyptic stupidity. |
| Such as? Such as in Chechnya and various other parts of Russia, where politicians are calling for calm after superstitious citizens started panic-buying candles, torches, salt and matches. | Such as? Such as in Chechnya and various other parts of Russia, where politicians are calling for calm after superstitious citizens started panic-buying candles, torches, salt and matches. |
| Because the apocalypse will be dark and need a bit of seasoning? Presumably. | Because the apocalypse will be dark and need a bit of seasoning? Presumably. |
| And where else? In China, where alongside a rush on candles there has been a healthy dose of doomsday profiteering. Dedicated websites are selling gas masks and tinned food, and one Chinese furniture-maker has been hawking a range of hand-built glass-fibre survival pods for around £30,000 a pop. | And where else? In China, where alongside a rush on candles there has been a healthy dose of doomsday profiteering. Dedicated websites are selling gas masks and tinned food, and one Chinese furniture-maker has been hawking a range of hand-built glass-fibre survival pods for around £30,000 a pop. |
| And are Chinese politicians reassuring people? Not exactly, no. Their approach has been to arrest people caught spreading apocalyptic rumours. | And are Chinese politicians reassuring people? Not exactly, no. Their approach has been to arrest people caught spreading apocalyptic rumours. |
| Really? Yup. As of Monday, 93 people had been detained across seven provinces. | Really? Yup. As of Monday, 93 people had been detained across seven provinces. |
| Just for spreading rumours? Well, that and trying to make a quick buck; police arrested six people in the province of Fujian for selling red paper circles imbued with apocalypse-proofed charms. | Just for spreading rumours? Well, that and trying to make a quick buck; police arrested six people in the province of Fujian for selling red paper circles imbued with apocalypse-proofed charms. |
| Apocalypse-proofed charms? Yep. To be fair, they've got a 100% success rate so far. | Apocalypse-proofed charms? Yep. To be fair, they've got a 100% success rate so far. |
| Don't say: "One apocalypse-resistant paper circle, please." | Don't say: "One apocalypse-resistant paper circle, please." |
| Do say: "I've got a matchbox and a bag of salt. So bring it on." | Do say: "I've got a matchbox and a bag of salt. So bring it on." |
| • This article was amended on 18 December 2012. The original picture showed an Aztec stone calendar; the caption, as supplied by the picture agency, indicated that this was a Mayan calendar. This has been corrected. | • This article was amended on 18 December 2012. The original picture showed an Aztec stone calendar; the caption, as supplied by the picture agency, indicated that this was a Mayan calendar. This has been corrected. |
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