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Goodbye, Mrs Windsor Goodbye, Mrs Windsor
(1 day later)
I saw Elizabeth Windsor's face every day when I was a small child. She was at the post office, in the newsagent, and there waiting for me on my first day at infants' school, on the wall, behind the teacher's desk.I saw Elizabeth Windsor's face every day when I was a small child. She was at the post office, in the newsagent, and there waiting for me on my first day at infants' school, on the wall, behind the teacher's desk.
I had one of those splenetic teachers, Mrs Ralph, whom I occasionally see in my dreams. When Mrs Ralph was stalking the rows of desks, searching for a child to bring to tears, I would stare at Elizabeth's picture: she was in profile, wearing a small jewelled crown and dark red lipstick. She looked like my mother, Grace, as she emerged from her tiny bedroom after transforming herself with Max Factor and the scent of Evening in Paris. Like Elizabeth's showbiz sister, Margaret Rose, Grace used a silver cigarette case.I had one of those splenetic teachers, Mrs Ralph, whom I occasionally see in my dreams. When Mrs Ralph was stalking the rows of desks, searching for a child to bring to tears, I would stare at Elizabeth's picture: she was in profile, wearing a small jewelled crown and dark red lipstick. She looked like my mother, Grace, as she emerged from her tiny bedroom after transforming herself with Max Factor and the scent of Evening in Paris. Like Elizabeth's showbiz sister, Margaret Rose, Grace used a silver cigarette case.
Elizabeth was there, watching, when Mr Luker, our angry, red-faced headmaster, shouted at us pasty-faced English children as we struggled to sing "De Camptown Racetrack five miles long – Oh! doo-dah day", with an authentic southern accent and the same guileless joy of what he called "the piccaninnies". She was there watching, hanging from the tongue-and-groove wall of the eau-de-nil assembly hall.Elizabeth was there, watching, when Mr Luker, our angry, red-faced headmaster, shouted at us pasty-faced English children as we struggled to sing "De Camptown Racetrack five miles long – Oh! doo-dah day", with an authentic southern accent and the same guileless joy of what he called "the piccaninnies". She was there watching, hanging from the tongue-and-groove wall of the eau-de-nil assembly hall.
On Coronation Day I had excitedly carried a wobbling green jelly in a cut-glass dish from a neighbour's prefab to our own, because, amazingly, a television the size of a Punch and Judy tent had been installed in the corner of our living room. Richard Dimbleby told us in hushed tones that the St Edward's Crown was very heavy, at 4lb 12oz. When the time came for the archbishop to place the weighty crown on Elizabeth's delicate head, I swear nobody watching or listening took a breath until it was finally settled, and the shout of "God save the Queen!" rang out. I was doubly relieved because I had been worrying that the weight would snap her neck.On Coronation Day I had excitedly carried a wobbling green jelly in a cut-glass dish from a neighbour's prefab to our own, because, amazingly, a television the size of a Punch and Judy tent had been installed in the corner of our living room. Richard Dimbleby told us in hushed tones that the St Edward's Crown was very heavy, at 4lb 12oz. When the time came for the archbishop to place the weighty crown on Elizabeth's delicate head, I swear nobody watching or listening took a breath until it was finally settled, and the shout of "God save the Queen!" rang out. I was doubly relieved because I had been worrying that the weight would snap her neck.
I did not know then that Elizabeth Windsor was a figurehead. In my childish ignorance I thought she was in charge of England, and that she wore her crown after breakfasting on gold plates, and only took it off before she climbed into her fairytale-like bed at night.I did not know then that Elizabeth Windsor was a figurehead. In my childish ignorance I thought she was in charge of England, and that she wore her crown after breakfasting on gold plates, and only took it off before she climbed into her fairytale-like bed at night.
There was a brass plaque with a relief of her head and shoulders hanging from a nail on the living-room wall of our prefab. It was one of my jobs to polish the brasses on Saturday mornings. I would use a wad of Brasso to clean her; then, when the residue was dry, I'd buff her up. I had difficulty getting inside her Hanoverian nostrils with a duster, but a Swan Vesta matchstick helped. When the coal fire was glowing in half-light, Elizabeth shone like a golden goddess.There was a brass plaque with a relief of her head and shoulders hanging from a nail on the living-room wall of our prefab. It was one of my jobs to polish the brasses on Saturday mornings. I would use a wad of Brasso to clean her; then, when the residue was dry, I'd buff her up. I had difficulty getting inside her Hanoverian nostrils with a duster, but a Swan Vesta matchstick helped. When the coal fire was glowing in half-light, Elizabeth shone like a golden goddess.
Then came the great catastrophe: when I discovered that God had allowed Jesus to be nailed to a cross, even though Jesus had shouted "My God, My God, why hast thou forsaken me?", and I stopped believing in Him, Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy and her – Mrs Windsor, a person called the Queen. I kept my loss of faith to myself. The royal family were the popular celebrities of the day. Criticism of the monarchy was unthinkable.Then came the great catastrophe: when I discovered that God had allowed Jesus to be nailed to a cross, even though Jesus had shouted "My God, My God, why hast thou forsaken me?", and I stopped believing in Him, Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy and her – Mrs Windsor, a person called the Queen. I kept my loss of faith to myself. The royal family were the popular celebrities of the day. Criticism of the monarchy was unthinkable.
We are told by the royal press office that the monarchy is good for tourism, but only one venue makes it to the top 20: Windsor Castle, at 17. It is easily beaten by Windsor Legoland, at number seven.We are told by the royal press office that the monarchy is good for tourism, but only one venue makes it to the top 20: Windsor Castle, at 17. It is easily beaten by Windsor Legoland, at number seven.
Although Elizabeth must have been party to choosing a wife for Charles, she never truly approved of Diana. Her Jeremy Kyle Show confessional-style neurosis was anathema to the Queen, whose own youthful neurosis was quiet and unshowy – waking up in the night and getting out of bed to straighten and re-straighten her shoes. Sadly, our monarchical state has had a disastrous effect on her family.Although Elizabeth must have been party to choosing a wife for Charles, she never truly approved of Diana. Her Jeremy Kyle Show confessional-style neurosis was anathema to the Queen, whose own youthful neurosis was quiet and unshowy – waking up in the night and getting out of bed to straighten and re-straighten her shoes. Sadly, our monarchical state has had a disastrous effect on her family.
Perhaps it is time for Elizabeth Windsor to have her big jubilee party, tap her feet to Sir Cliff, Sir Paul and Sir Elton, and then, after thanking Gary Barlow, steal away quietly. We'll give her houses, land, dogs and horses. She may even enjoy living in the Falklands; it's like Scotland. She will have to go soon, because one day we will choose our own figurehead; and when he or she is elected there will be ceremonial splendour, brass bands, red tunics, flags, lasers and fireworks. There will be life after the monarchy's death. We have grown up now, and we no longer need her.Perhaps it is time for Elizabeth Windsor to have her big jubilee party, tap her feet to Sir Cliff, Sir Paul and Sir Elton, and then, after thanking Gary Barlow, steal away quietly. We'll give her houses, land, dogs and horses. She may even enjoy living in the Falklands; it's like Scotland. She will have to go soon, because one day we will choose our own figurehead; and when he or she is elected there will be ceremonial splendour, brass bands, red tunics, flags, lasers and fireworks. There will be life after the monarchy's death. We have grown up now, and we no longer need her.
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