Miliband and Cameron battle in the Temple of Doom

http://www.guardian.co.uk/politics/2012/feb/29/miliband-cameron-temple-of-doom

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David Cameron often reminds me of that scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark where, in Cairo, he is faced by a gigantic man wielding a gleaming scimitar. Clearly the guy is an expert swordsman. Indy is about to be slashed into slices! So he pulls out a gun and shoots the villain. It always gets a big cheer in the cinema.

That's what Cameron does. Ed Miliband asks a series of unanswerable questions about the health bill, and the act that virtually nobody working in the health field supports it. Cameron twists and turns, trying to dodge the attack, slipping round hither and yon as the blade just fails to cut him down. Then he pulls out a six-shooter.

On Wednesday it was this: "I know it's leap year, so just for once I get to ask him a question: we know what he's against, but what is he for?"

Meaningless, of course, and since Miliband had used up his questions, it couldn't be answered. But it got a huge cheer in the cheap seats.

And the cheap seats were in very cheery mood. The whips – the MPs, that is, nothing to do with the scary thong that Harrison Ford carries everywhere – hate it when the party leader doesn't get a lot of noisy support, and he got far too little last week. The whips move among backbenchers blending threats and promises, offering vengeance or trips to Barbados. "Prime minister would be most grateful for your support ..." they murmur, and visions of plum jobs dance in MPs' heads.

So Cameron got the bellowing support and the cries of "More!" that he craves. His other devices didn't work as well, especially the one in which he implied that Miliband is only interested in politics, not substance. Who cares? PMQs isn't about substance. It's about tribal loyalty. You might as well complain that last night's football match did nothing to help the fiscal deficit.

Still, the prime minister did have two things going for him. One was the call for strikes during the Olympics made by Len McCluskey of the Unite union. Unite is the largest contributor to the Labour party. "It's not enough to put out a tweet! They should condemn Unite and start paying back the money!" Miliband looked uneasy, by which I mean even uneasier than he usually does. (The other day he was addressing a university audience in Sheffield. One listener said: "You are my second favourite Miliband!" Pause for look of terrific unease. "Yes, your father Ralph was a brilliant man!")

And the prime minister has latched onto Ken Livingstone's tax arrangements, which are unusual. Livingstone has a vital role in the prime minister's career: he has to lose the election for London mayor to keep Boris out of the House of Commons and Cameron's hair.

A sad moment for my great chum Michael Fabricant. During a point of order he started shouting at the chair. "I don't need help from a junior government whip!" said the speaker; then, after another yell: "He says he is a senior whip. I don't think the speaker cares very much about the level of seniority of any whip!" he said with massive contempt.

Ouch, slash, yowl! I bet Mickey wishes he had a gun to pull out.