This article is from the source 'guardian' and was first published or seen on . The next check for changes will be
You can find the current article at its original source at https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2025/apr/18/growing-up-surrounded-by-boys-im-fascinated-and-a-bit-scared-by-the-dynamic-between-sisters
The article has changed 2 times. There is an RSS feed of changes available.
Previous version
1
Next version
| Version 0 | Version 1 |
|---|---|
| Growing up surrounded by boys, I’m fascinated – and a bit scared – by the dynamic between sisters | Growing up surrounded by boys, I’m fascinated – and a bit scared – by the dynamic between sisters |
| (about 7 hours later) | |
| Many of the sister relationships I have witnessed balance extreme loyalty and care with a unique ability to press each other’s buttons | Many of the sister relationships I have witnessed balance extreme loyalty and care with a unique ability to press each other’s buttons |
| One thing about living this crazy little thing we call life is that even though you might be a haggard lesbian in her 40s, you can still learn things about yourself. I was recently having a conversation with friends about the family dynamics of people we’ve dated, and all of a sudden a very clear pattern emerged that I’d never noticed before. Every single person I have ever dated, casually or seriously, has had one sister and no other siblings. | One thing about living this crazy little thing we call life is that even though you might be a haggard lesbian in her 40s, you can still learn things about yourself. I was recently having a conversation with friends about the family dynamics of people we’ve dated, and all of a sudden a very clear pattern emerged that I’d never noticed before. Every single person I have ever dated, casually or seriously, has had one sister and no other siblings. |
| Even though I’m aware this could sound like some strange special interest of mine, it’s not deliberate. I’ve actually never narrowed down prospective romantic interests based on siblings, but I did find this sister realisation notable. Is there something about me that queer people with sisters are attracted to? Is there something about having one sister that informs the kind of personalities I am drawn to? Did our separate placements in our families become part of our identity, as some people claim can happen, causing us to be compatible? | Even though I’m aware this could sound like some strange special interest of mine, it’s not deliberate. I’ve actually never narrowed down prospective romantic interests based on siblings, but I did find this sister realisation notable. Is there something about me that queer people with sisters are attracted to? Is there something about having one sister that informs the kind of personalities I am drawn to? Did our separate placements in our families become part of our identity, as some people claim can happen, causing us to be compatible? |
| No, almost definitely not – it is likely just a coincidence. However, I had to wonder – because I actually have always had a bit of a fascination with what I call “sister culture”. | No, almost definitely not – it is likely just a coincidence. However, I had to wonder – because I actually have always had a bit of a fascination with what I call “sister culture”. |
| I was born after two brothers, and then another brother followed me. If you are doing the multi-sibling maths right, that makes me the only sister of three brothers. I was surrounded by boys from birth, and then when I was about 10 we moved out of the city to a small place called Boytown, Queensland. That is not its real name, but it does describe what became my reality. | I was born after two brothers, and then another brother followed me. If you are doing the multi-sibling maths right, that makes me the only sister of three brothers. I was surrounded by boys from birth, and then when I was about 10 we moved out of the city to a small place called Boytown, Queensland. That is not its real name, but it does describe what became my reality. |
| My brothers got very involved in boxing at a gym nearby (eventually turning pro), and I went to a very small primary school that had just 32 students– I was the only girl in my year, alongside four boys. Our house turned into a parade of dudes for several years. | My brothers got very involved in boxing at a gym nearby (eventually turning pro), and I went to a very small primary school that had just 32 students– I was the only girl in my year, alongside four boys. Our house turned into a parade of dudes for several years. |
| From a very young age, in an early grass-is-greener type situation, I looked around at all these boys everywhere and wished for a sister. I dreamed of a sister. I begged for a sister (and for a horse). I wanted someone to hang out with who would want to do something fun, instead of watching Rambo for the fifth time. I wanted someone to giggle and share secrets with, rather than the various grunts my teenage brothers used to communicate. | From a very young age, in an early grass-is-greener type situation, I looked around at all these boys everywhere and wished for a sister. I dreamed of a sister. I begged for a sister (and for a horse). I wanted someone to hang out with who would want to do something fun, instead of watching Rambo for the fifth time. I wanted someone to giggle and share secrets with, rather than the various grunts my teenage brothers used to communicate. |
| Naturally this saintly imaginary sister would be a perfect fit for me. But after my parents’ cruel rejection of my request that they have a fifth child in the hopes it would be a girl, I turned to the other great influences in my life – books and TV and movies. | Naturally this saintly imaginary sister would be a perfect fit for me. But after my parents’ cruel rejection of my request that they have a fifth child in the hopes it would be a girl, I turned to the other great influences in my life – books and TV and movies. |
| What I soon discovered was that sister relationships were often much more complicated than I’d thought. Instead of a little human biologically obliged to be your best friend, a sister could apparently be the person most expertly designed to be able to hurt you, practising their art over years. As someone who at that time would have rather laid down and died than talk to my brothers about anything personal, I found this even more fascinating. I still do. | What I soon discovered was that sister relationships were often much more complicated than I’d thought. Instead of a little human biologically obliged to be your best friend, a sister could apparently be the person most expertly designed to be able to hurt you, practising their art over years. As someone who at that time would have rather laid down and died than talk to my brothers about anything personal, I found this even more fascinating. I still do. |
| Sisters, I learned, weren’t automatically close or similar – they could be as different as a peppy blonde and a sarcastic brunette who snipe at each other all the time, like Darlene and Becky from Roseanne, or Kat and Bianca from 10 Things I Hate About You. They could be competitive and murderous to each other like in What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? They could be two Australian sisters singing about being sisters in the song Sister by Sister 2 Sister. They could be magic and all have different relationships to one another, like in Charmed. They could be four of them and it’s the 1860s and they are Little Women. | |
| Of course no one is going to make movies and TV about boring, nice sisters who get along fine. And of course every sibling relationship is unique in its own way. But from my own experience, and from seeing my friends’ and extended family’s experiences (and of course, from my accidental dating social study), sister culture seems uniquely layered. | Of course no one is going to make movies and TV about boring, nice sisters who get along fine. And of course every sibling relationship is unique in its own way. But from my own experience, and from seeing my friends’ and extended family’s experiences (and of course, from my accidental dating social study), sister culture seems uniquely layered. |
| Sister relationships, like all relationships, go through phases, but they seem to involve shifting levels of tension and annoyance, from being best friends to personality clashes and independence testing, getting along beautifully then back to flinging deeply personal barbs, perfectly aimed to do as much injury as possible. This all seems to exist alongside extreme loyalty and ultimate care. In many of the sister relationships I have witnessed, it is clear they would go to the ends of the earth for each other, but also that they’ll take the opportunity to press the buttons that they alone have access to. | Sister relationships, like all relationships, go through phases, but they seem to involve shifting levels of tension and annoyance, from being best friends to personality clashes and independence testing, getting along beautifully then back to flinging deeply personal barbs, perfectly aimed to do as much injury as possible. This all seems to exist alongside extreme loyalty and ultimate care. In many of the sister relationships I have witnessed, it is clear they would go to the ends of the earth for each other, but also that they’ll take the opportunity to press the buttons that they alone have access to. |
| As an outsider I have been fascinated and a bit scared by these dynamics. I have learned to know my place as an observer of sister culture and not a participant. | As an outsider I have been fascinated and a bit scared by these dynamics. I have learned to know my place as an observer of sister culture and not a participant. |
| I recently saw all my lovely brothers for the first time in a while. My brothers have nine children between them – one boy and eight girls. My brothers may not have been able to provide me with sister drama growing up, but they are making up for it now: perhaps one day my nephew will write a column about brother culture. | I recently saw all my lovely brothers for the first time in a while. My brothers have nine children between them – one boy and eight girls. My brothers may not have been able to provide me with sister drama growing up, but they are making up for it now: perhaps one day my nephew will write a column about brother culture. |
| Rebecca Shaw is a writer based in Sydney | Rebecca Shaw is a writer based in Sydney |
Previous version
1
Next version