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'I was abused by my biological mother but it does not define me' 'I was abused by my biological mother but it does not define me'
(about 2 hours later)
Dr Emily Haythornthwaite was abused by her biological mother before she used her experience to help others in similar situationsDr Emily Haythornthwaite was abused by her biological mother before she used her experience to help others in similar situations
At the age of five, Emily Haythornthwaite cut the hair off her Barbie doll to make it "look as ugly" as she believed she was.At the age of five, Emily Haythornthwaite cut the hair off her Barbie doll to make it "look as ugly" as she believed she was.
"What kind of five-year-old thinks that?" she says."What kind of five-year-old thinks that?" she says.
Now 32 and a clinical psychologist, she was abused psychologically, physically and sexually by her biological mother.Now 32 and a clinical psychologist, she was abused psychologically, physically and sexually by her biological mother.
Years later, her abuser took her own life before she could be tried for her crimes.Years later, her abuser took her own life before she could be tried for her crimes.
Dr Haythornthwaite, who lives in Suffolk, now works to help others who have gone through similar experiences.Dr Haythornthwaite, who lives in Suffolk, now works to help others who have gone through similar experiences.
Warning: This article contains details that readers may find distressingWarning: This article contains details that readers may find distressing
"I always acknowledge that I am a survivor of childhood sexual, psychology and physical abuse," she says."I always acknowledge that I am a survivor of childhood sexual, psychology and physical abuse," she says.
"Within all of that and in my journey of my survival, I have met lots of other people who have gone through similar difficulties or who have been stigmatised by abuse."Within all of that and in my journey of my survival, I have met lots of other people who have gone through similar difficulties or who have been stigmatised by abuse.
"I always thought we deserve so much more than that and we are so much more than what has happened to us.""I always thought we deserve so much more than that and we are so much more than what has happened to us."
'This will only end when one of us is dead''This will only end when one of us is dead'
When Dr Haythornthwaite turned 10, she was sexually abused and "quickly began to realise that my body was just no longer my body and it was her property".When Dr Haythornthwaite turned 10, she was sexually abused and "quickly began to realise that my body was just no longer my body and it was her property".
"I think, deep down, I always felt something wasn't quite right but I didn't quite understand it," she says."I think, deep down, I always felt something wasn't quite right but I didn't quite understand it," she says.
"At the age of 13 I did reach out to a teacher."At the age of 13 I did reach out to a teacher.
"I didn't go into the great depths of what I was going through but I did say 'I'm scared to go home - I'm really not happy.'""I didn't go into the great depths of what I was going through but I did say 'I'm scared to go home - I'm really not happy.'"
When she was 15, her abuser told her: "This will only end when one of us is dead."When she was 15, her abuser told her: "This will only end when one of us is dead."
Dr Haythornthwaite believed this and realised she needed to "get out", so went to a community centre for help.Dr Haythornthwaite believed this and realised she needed to "get out", so went to a community centre for help.
Soon after, she moved into a hostel and received help from support workers.Soon after, she moved into a hostel and received help from support workers.
Six weeks later, she had moved into her own flat but by then was "really angry at the world".Six weeks later, she had moved into her own flat but by then was "really angry at the world".
While at college, she had to work full-time to support herself, but by the time she headed to university life finally slowed down and "a lot of the trauma was coming up".While at college, she had to work full-time to support herself, but by the time she headed to university life finally slowed down and "a lot of the trauma was coming up".
Dr Haythornthwaite was just five years old when the abuse beganDr Haythornthwaite was just five years old when the abuse began
In 2002, after therapy, she decided she was ready to seek justice. In 2020, after therapy, she decided she was ready to seek justice.
A trial was scheduled but her mother took her own life in 2023 on the day it was due to start.A trial was scheduled but her mother took her own life in 2023 on the day it was due to start.
"My justice looks a little bit different," says Dr Haythornthwaite, who works with people who have experienced complex trauma."My justice looks a little bit different," says Dr Haythornthwaite, who works with people who have experienced complex trauma.
"It's actually helping other survivors, trying to raise awareness and shape the justice system in the long term.""It's actually helping other survivors, trying to raise awareness and shape the justice system in the long term."
She also tells her story on behalf of the NSPCC, which, she says, does "absolutely wonderful things" in raising awareness of abuse and helping adults raise concerns.She also tells her story on behalf of the NSPCC, which, she says, does "absolutely wonderful things" in raising awareness of abuse and helping adults raise concerns.
"Any opportunity to showcase the work that the NSPCC, external do now, I like to shout about that and think about what a difference that would have made if these kind of workshops and training were around when I was a child, because it's likely that someone else would have spoken up for me.""Any opportunity to showcase the work that the NSPCC, external do now, I like to shout about that and think about what a difference that would have made if these kind of workshops and training were around when I was a child, because it's likely that someone else would have spoken up for me."
'You can survive this''You can survive this'
Dr Haythornthwaite says survivors of abuse find it difficult to talk about their experiences, especially when the abuser is "someone who is supposed to protect and look after you, and bring you into this world".Dr Haythornthwaite says survivors of abuse find it difficult to talk about their experiences, especially when the abuser is "someone who is supposed to protect and look after you, and bring you into this world".
Survivors often "internalise" the issue, believing the problem is with themselves, rather than their abuser.Survivors often "internalise" the issue, believing the problem is with themselves, rather than their abuser.
It can be a "shattering" experience for a person when they come to accept the blame lies with their abuser, she says.It can be a "shattering" experience for a person when they come to accept the blame lies with their abuser, she says.
"If I can openly share my experiences, I can then show other people that they can survive and they can seek justice, and they deserve better", Dr Haythornthwaite says."If I can openly share my experiences, I can then show other people that they can survive and they can seek justice, and they deserve better", Dr Haythornthwaite says.
"Society stigmatises abuse and we remain silent about it."Society stigmatises abuse and we remain silent about it.
"Remaining silent about childhood abuse doesn't make it go away; it allows and enables abusers to thrive."Remaining silent about childhood abuse doesn't make it go away; it allows and enables abusers to thrive.
"By being loud about it, by saying that 'it's OK that I've gone through this and it's OK you've gone through this - you deserve better, you don't have to be ashamed,' we can start to empower others to get the justice that they deserve."By being loud about it, by saying that 'it's OK that I've gone through this and it's OK you've gone through this - you deserve better, you don't have to be ashamed,' we can start to empower others to get the justice that they deserve.
Dr Haythornthwaite's message to anyone living through abuse is that "you can survive this".Dr Haythornthwaite's message to anyone living through abuse is that "you can survive this".
She urges anyone struggling to seek help from organisations such as the NSPCC and Childline, external.She urges anyone struggling to seek help from organisations such as the NSPCC and Childline, external.
If you have been affected by this story the BBC Action Line web page features a list of organisations which are ready to provide support and advice.If you have been affected by this story the BBC Action Line web page features a list of organisations which are ready to provide support and advice.
Get in touchGet in touch
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Follow Suffolk news on BBC Sounds, Facebook, external, Instagram, external and X, external.Follow Suffolk news on BBC Sounds, Facebook, external, Instagram, external and X, external.