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A Cure for the Existential Crisis of Married Motherhood A 50/50 Custody Arrangement Could Save Your Marriage
(about 7 hours later)
Married heterosexual motherhood in America, especially in the past two years, is a game no one wins. During the height of the pandemic, my mom-friend group chats roiled: I’m going to scream, typed women trying to do it all. I am seriously going to kill my husband and/or devour my young (hope they don’t subpoena this text thread) became a running joke.Married heterosexual motherhood in America, especially in the past two years, is a game no one wins. During the height of the pandemic, my mom-friend group chats roiled: I’m going to scream, typed women trying to do it all. I am seriously going to kill my husband and/or devour my young (hope they don’t subpoena this text thread) became a running joke.
I kept quiet, not wanting to chime in like some humble-bragging demon. Because the truth is, I didn’t feel maxed out on my two kids or particularly overwhelmed by my life. In recent years, I’ve worked full time with focus and satisfaction. I’ve parented calmly while managing some tricky stages for my tweens. I wrote an entire novel during my evenings and weekends. I learned to play the ukulele. I’ve fallen in love at least once. On many weekends, I sleep in, take long walks, read books, see friends. My home is tidy.I kept quiet, not wanting to chime in like some humble-bragging demon. Because the truth is, I didn’t feel maxed out on my two kids or particularly overwhelmed by my life. In recent years, I’ve worked full time with focus and satisfaction. I’ve parented calmly while managing some tricky stages for my tweens. I wrote an entire novel during my evenings and weekends. I learned to play the ukulele. I’ve fallen in love at least once. On many weekends, I sleep in, take long walks, read books, see friends. My home is tidy.
No, I’m not a brainwashed productivity bro, nor am I an unnaturally cheerful Stepford wife type. I’m just divorced.No, I’m not a brainwashed productivity bro, nor am I an unnaturally cheerful Stepford wife type. I’m just divorced.
To be clear, my divorce wasn’t an elaborate scheme to score a better work-life balance. When I realized that my soul was no longer aligned with my husband’s, much less the whole project of straight monogamous marriage, I dreaded having to spend any time away from my kids. But my ex-husband rightly wanted his fair share of time to be a dad, so we landed on 50/50 custody.To be clear, my divorce wasn’t an elaborate scheme to score a better work-life balance. When I realized that my soul was no longer aligned with my husband’s, much less the whole project of straight monogamous marriage, I dreaded having to spend any time away from my kids. But my ex-husband rightly wanted his fair share of time to be a dad, so we landed on 50/50 custody.
A few years in, I’ve come around to this arrangement. In fact, I now think everyone else should do it. Married parents: Try living as though you had a 50/50 custody agreement.A few years in, I’ve come around to this arrangement. In fact, I now think everyone else should do it. Married parents: Try living as though you had a 50/50 custody agreement.
Many same-sex couples have already figured out how to divide household labor according to preference and availability, instead of gender roles. Different-sex couples might try something similar.Many same-sex couples have already figured out how to divide household labor according to preference and availability, instead of gender roles. Different-sex couples might try something similar.
Before my divorce, I hadn’t had more than a few hours alone for over a decade. Since, I’ve had every other weekend to myself. So has my ex-husband. I’ve spent these free weekends sleeping, writing, seeing friends and never making a sensible dinner. I feel absolutely restored to myself.Before my divorce, I hadn’t had more than a few hours alone for over a decade. Since, I’ve had every other weekend to myself. So has my ex-husband. I’ve spent these free weekends sleeping, writing, seeing friends and never making a sensible dinner. I feel absolutely restored to myself.
Am I suggesting that every frustrated woman should get divorced just so she can stop spending her weekends picking a grown man’s socks off the floor and self-actualize instead? I mean, no. Divorce is a real hassle! And some people like being married. Good for them.Am I suggesting that every frustrated woman should get divorced just so she can stop spending her weekends picking a grown man’s socks off the floor and self-actualize instead? I mean, no. Divorce is a real hassle! And some people like being married. Good for them.
Yet in a well-managed divorce, there is a lot of very tidy and businesslike communication. It’s not perfect, but what is? Divide the tasks and responsibilities evenly, and commit to completing your share without having to be reminded. Give each other guilt-free time away from the family. Alternate who is in charge of making plans for play dates, excursions or chores on the weekend.Yet in a well-managed divorce, there is a lot of very tidy and businesslike communication. It’s not perfect, but what is? Divide the tasks and responsibilities evenly, and commit to completing your share without having to be reminded. Give each other guilt-free time away from the family. Alternate who is in charge of making plans for play dates, excursions or chores on the weekend.
Don’t re-litigate it every week. It might feel transactional to chart it all on calendars, but doing so can also be freeing. That’s how my co-parenting schedule works. We are flexible when one of us needs or wants to be, but for the most part, we set it and forget it.Don’t re-litigate it every week. It might feel transactional to chart it all on calendars, but doing so can also be freeing. That’s how my co-parenting schedule works. We are flexible when one of us needs or wants to be, but for the most part, we set it and forget it.
And remember: A husband who packs the kids’ lunches isn’t “helping” his wife. He’s parenting his children. A husband who does the laundry every other week isn’t “doing a chore” for his wife. He’s being an adult.And remember: A husband who packs the kids’ lunches isn’t “helping” his wife. He’s parenting his children. A husband who does the laundry every other week isn’t “doing a chore” for his wife. He’s being an adult.
My 50/50 co-parenting mom friends confirm that, for the first time ever, they feel their ex-husbands are doing their fair share. As divorced dads, they are forced — not by dint of wifely nagging, not by the couples therapist, but by law and necessity — to manage a household, to take care of their children and themselves.My 50/50 co-parenting mom friends confirm that, for the first time ever, they feel their ex-husbands are doing their fair share. As divorced dads, they are forced — not by dint of wifely nagging, not by the couples therapist, but by law and necessity — to manage a household, to take care of their children and themselves.
Every divorced woman I know is happier post-marriage, even the ones who didn’t instigate or want the split. This isn’t unusual: A 2007 study found that women aren’t as “negatively affected” as men by a divorce. Despite women being likely to experience a more significant dip in income, the researchers found that in the first years post-divorce, “Life satisfaction is significantly more positive for women” than for men. Imagine that.Every divorced woman I know is happier post-marriage, even the ones who didn’t instigate or want the split. This isn’t unusual: A 2007 study found that women aren’t as “negatively affected” as men by a divorce. Despite women being likely to experience a more significant dip in income, the researchers found that in the first years post-divorce, “Life satisfaction is significantly more positive for women” than for men. Imagine that.
It has been both intuited by my group chats and proved by research that household inequities can lead to domestic despair. One study asserted that “couples’ divisions of household labor have serious consequences for relationship quality. Unequal housework allocations are associated with depression, marital dissatisfaction and divorce.” These unequal allocations tend to favor men, you’ll be unsurprised to hear. The researcher Brigid Schulte has pointed out that “just having a man in the house tends to increase the load for women — partnered mothers do more housework and child care than single mothers.”It has been both intuited by my group chats and proved by research that household inequities can lead to domestic despair. One study asserted that “couples’ divisions of household labor have serious consequences for relationship quality. Unequal housework allocations are associated with depression, marital dissatisfaction and divorce.” These unequal allocations tend to favor men, you’ll be unsurprised to hear. The researcher Brigid Schulte has pointed out that “just having a man in the house tends to increase the load for women — partnered mothers do more housework and child care than single mothers.”
In the only rich country without nationally guaranteed paid parental leave, in a nation where affordable child care is not a political priority, and major cities’ school districts can’t get enough government funding to run at a normal capacity, we also have unreasonably high expectations of how parents — let’s face it, really, mothers — ought to parent.In the only rich country without nationally guaranteed paid parental leave, in a nation where affordable child care is not a political priority, and major cities’ school districts can’t get enough government funding to run at a normal capacity, we also have unreasonably high expectations of how parents — let’s face it, really, mothers — ought to parent.
Mothers subjugating the self in service of the family is nothing new. But for those of us who were raised with the promise of equality between the sexes, educated women with careers and ambitions, the disconnect between that mirage and our reality, combined with complete mental and physical exhaustion, can lead to burnout, shutdown and, eventually, existential crisis. It’s perhaps unsurprising that women tend to initiate divorces more often than men.Mothers subjugating the self in service of the family is nothing new. But for those of us who were raised with the promise of equality between the sexes, educated women with careers and ambitions, the disconnect between that mirage and our reality, combined with complete mental and physical exhaustion, can lead to burnout, shutdown and, eventually, existential crisis. It’s perhaps unsurprising that women tend to initiate divorces more often than men.
I feel I’ve become a better mother since my divorce — more patient and fully present when I’m with my kids because I’m less depleted, more fulfilled. Happier. And as they’ve watched me navigate the changes in our family structure and establish my life as an independent, self-sufficient woman, they have begun to see me as a human being, not just a mom. They have a stronger relationship with their father now, too; they know him in a different way than when we were married. When they’re with their dad, he manages the homework and the schedules and his own household.I feel I’ve become a better mother since my divorce — more patient and fully present when I’m with my kids because I’m less depleted, more fulfilled. Happier. And as they’ve watched me navigate the changes in our family structure and establish my life as an independent, self-sufficient woman, they have begun to see me as a human being, not just a mom. They have a stronger relationship with their father now, too; they know him in a different way than when we were married. When they’re with their dad, he manages the homework and the schedules and his own household.
Of course, some divorces are brutal, emotionally scarring experiences, and in some families equally shared custody isn’t a feasible option. Even the most amicable divorce is difficult. Did mine cause its own expensive and emotionally taxing round of problems? Yes. Yes, it sure did. Supporting myself as a single mother can feel like a high-wire act. But 50/50 co-parenting has made my life feel reasonably well balanced, and that has been a gift.Of course, some divorces are brutal, emotionally scarring experiences, and in some families equally shared custody isn’t a feasible option. Even the most amicable divorce is difficult. Did mine cause its own expensive and emotionally taxing round of problems? Yes. Yes, it sure did. Supporting myself as a single mother can feel like a high-wire act. But 50/50 co-parenting has made my life feel reasonably well balanced, and that has been a gift.
Splitting time evenly, so that each parent has roughly the same amount of work time, child care time, household chore time and free time? If both parents are on board, you can absolutely achieve this — while staying married. Doing so may even save you from a divorce.Splitting time evenly, so that each parent has roughly the same amount of work time, child care time, household chore time and free time? If both parents are on board, you can absolutely achieve this — while staying married. Doing so may even save you from a divorce.
Amy Shearn (@AmyShearn) is a teacher, editor, and writing coach who lives in Brooklyn. Her most recent novel is “Unseen City.”Amy Shearn (@AmyShearn) is a teacher, editor, and writing coach who lives in Brooklyn. Her most recent novel is “Unseen City.”
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