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Why Parents Feel Like ‘Butter That Has Been Scraped Over Too Much Bread’ Why Parents Feel Like ‘Butter That Has Been Scraped Over Too Much Bread’
(32 minutes later)
Over the past few years, I’ve tried to capture the emotional state of many American parents, and I think we’re entering a new phase. One in which many of us are struggling to adjust to the pace of our normal lives: Our kids are back in school, their activities are going full throttle, and our assorted responsibilities are at 2019 levels.Over the past few years, I’ve tried to capture the emotional state of many American parents, and I think we’re entering a new phase. One in which many of us are struggling to adjust to the pace of our normal lives: Our kids are back in school, their activities are going full throttle, and our assorted responsibilities are at 2019 levels.
But at the same time, we know things aren’t really normal or even back to their highly imperfect prepandemic state. Covid is still with us and we’re still doing the mental gymnastics of virus risk, which takes a toll.But at the same time, we know things aren’t really normal or even back to their highly imperfect prepandemic state. Covid is still with us and we’re still doing the mental gymnastics of virus risk, which takes a toll.
Still, I’m able to feel more joy than I was a year ago, because I can do more of the activities that were riskier before my whole family was vaccinated. I’m more grateful for ordinary, everyday things, too: I experience a surge of delight in the morning after getting my kids off to school. Wandering the aisles of a Target without feeling I need to wear a hazmat suit is another small pleasure. But overall, everything feels more tiring, my to-do list is harder to conquer, and when people ask how I am, I tell them “great” — except I’d like to take a six-month sabbatical from life.Still, I’m able to feel more joy than I was a year ago, because I can do more of the activities that were riskier before my whole family was vaccinated. I’m more grateful for ordinary, everyday things, too: I experience a surge of delight in the morning after getting my kids off to school. Wandering the aisles of a Target without feeling I need to wear a hazmat suit is another small pleasure. But overall, everything feels more tiring, my to-do list is harder to conquer, and when people ask how I am, I tell them “great” — except I’d like to take a six-month sabbatical from life.
I was searching for the words to describe that feeling, because none of the words I already knew seemed to fit. “Burnout” didn’t seem quite right, though a couple of years ago, it might have. While anyone can experience burnout, parental burnout is a distinct psychological phenomenon characterized by overwhelming exhaustion, emotional detachment from one’s children, loss of effectiveness and pleasure in the parental role and a marked change in behavior toward one’s children. Although I am tired, I don’t feel emotionally detached or ineffective, and my behavior hasn’t changed recently.I was searching for the words to describe that feeling, because none of the words I already knew seemed to fit. “Burnout” didn’t seem quite right, though a couple of years ago, it might have. While anyone can experience burnout, parental burnout is a distinct psychological phenomenon characterized by overwhelming exhaustion, emotional detachment from one’s children, loss of effectiveness and pleasure in the parental role and a marked change in behavior toward one’s children. Although I am tired, I don’t feel emotionally detached or ineffective, and my behavior hasn’t changed recently.
Adam Grant pinpointed a lot of people’s vibe last year when he said we were “languishing,” which he described as “a sense of stagnation and emptiness. It feels as if you’re muddling through your days, looking at your life through a foggy windshield.” But that no longer feels right, either, for me; things are quite vivid now. If anything, there’s almost a too-much-ness.Adam Grant pinpointed a lot of people’s vibe last year when he said we were “languishing,” which he described as “a sense of stagnation and emptiness. It feels as if you’re muddling through your days, looking at your life through a foggy windshield.” But that no longer feels right, either, for me; things are quite vivid now. If anything, there’s almost a too-much-ness.
On Twitter, I asked if there were words I could put to these feelings, because I was at a loss. My favorite literary answer was from Tolkien. In “The Lord of the Rings,” Bilbo Baggins describes himself as feeling “like butter that has been scraped over too much bread.”On Twitter, I asked if there were words I could put to these feelings, because I was at a loss. My favorite literary answer was from Tolkien. In “The Lord of the Rings,” Bilbo Baggins describes himself as feeling “like butter that has been scraped over too much bread.”
But I wanted psychological and economic explanations of what might be going on, too. Part of the problem is that the (often inadequate) social and emotional support that exists has been further frayed, and it seems like no one is coming to mend it. For example, child care, which should be considered vital infrastructure, is still not functioning at prepandemic levels, according to Katherine Gallagher Robbins, a senior fellow at the National Partnership for Women & Families.But I wanted psychological and economic explanations of what might be going on, too. Part of the problem is that the (often inadequate) social and emotional support that exists has been further frayed, and it seems like no one is coming to mend it. For example, child care, which should be considered vital infrastructure, is still not functioning at prepandemic levels, according to Katherine Gallagher Robbins, a senior fellow at the National Partnership for Women & Families.
In an email, she told me “we are still down 88,300 child care workers, compared to February 2020 (8.4 percent of the work force),” a finding that comports with the findings of a September report from the Democratic-leaning Center for American Progress. “This is in contrast to the overall economy,” she added, “where we have regained all the jobs we lost since Covid began.”In an email, she told me “we are still down 88,300 child care workers, compared to February 2020 (8.4 percent of the work force),” a finding that comports with the findings of a September report from the Democratic-leaning Center for American Progress. “This is in contrast to the overall economy,” she added, “where we have regained all the jobs we lost since Covid began.”
The care industry overall, which includes home health care aides, cannot increase its worker numbers without raising wages, which it can’t do absent public investment, which doesn’t appear to be forthcoming, Robbins said in a follow-up call. Parents are already struggling to afford child care, and now there is less of it.The care industry overall, which includes home health care aides, cannot increase its worker numbers without raising wages, which it can’t do absent public investment, which doesn’t appear to be forthcoming, Robbins said in a follow-up call. Parents are already struggling to afford child care, and now there is less of it.
While there is less child care, there’s evidence that the mothers who left the work force during the earlier parts of the pandemic have returned to paid work. While that’s good for the economy writ large, Robbins said, “most people aren’t talking about the emotional and mental costs” of inadequate child care and other supports. The Bureau of Labor Statistics should keep those kinds of stress metrics.While there is less child care, there’s evidence that the mothers who left the work force during the earlier parts of the pandemic have returned to paid work. While that’s good for the economy writ large, Robbins said, “most people aren’t talking about the emotional and mental costs” of inadequate child care and other supports. The Bureau of Labor Statistics should keep those kinds of stress metrics.
Another suggestion of what parents may be feeling has to do with our allostatic load. Darby Saxbe, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Southern California who is a co-director of the U.S.C. Center for the Changing Family, described allostatic load as “the wear and tear on our stress response system that comes when we have to regulate too much.”Another suggestion of what parents may be feeling has to do with our allostatic load. Darby Saxbe, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Southern California who is a co-director of the U.S.C. Center for the Changing Family, described allostatic load as “the wear and tear on our stress response system that comes when we have to regulate too much.”
When we get stressed, our whole body responds to it — our blood pressure, our oxygen levels, our blood flow — and it takes work to bring ourselves back to baseline. When we experience too much stress over a long period, Saxbe told me, our ability to self-regulate breaks down. While this applies to nonparents as well, it may be extra-stressful for parents because “we’re trying to regulate our emotions and regulate our kids’ emotions and find a new baseline and we’ve all become very taxed,” she said.When we get stressed, our whole body responds to it — our blood pressure, our oxygen levels, our blood flow — and it takes work to bring ourselves back to baseline. When we experience too much stress over a long period, Saxbe told me, our ability to self-regulate breaks down. While this applies to nonparents as well, it may be extra-stressful for parents because “we’re trying to regulate our emotions and regulate our kids’ emotions and find a new baseline and we’ve all become very taxed,” she said.
Part of it, too, may just be that we are unused to this much activity. “What Covid did is it sanctioned avoidance of everything from the mundane, like soccer practices, to weddings,” said Ilyse DiMarco, a clinical psychologist and the author of “Mom Brain: Proven Strategies to Fight the Anxiety, Guilt and Overwhelming Emotions of Motherhood — and Relax Into Your New Self.” Now that we’re expected to go back to everything, we are out of practice and may experience additional social anxiety before events we otherwise didn’t think about much before. For example, back-to-school night in 2019 may have just been just another benign appointment on the calendar, but now it’s fraught with worry about whether you should mask and if you’re going to say something embarrassing to someone you haven’t seen in a long time.Part of it, too, may just be that we are unused to this much activity. “What Covid did is it sanctioned avoidance of everything from the mundane, like soccer practices, to weddings,” said Ilyse DiMarco, a clinical psychologist and the author of “Mom Brain: Proven Strategies to Fight the Anxiety, Guilt and Overwhelming Emotions of Motherhood — and Relax Into Your New Self.” Now that we’re expected to go back to everything, we are out of practice and may experience additional social anxiety before events we otherwise didn’t think about much before. For example, back-to-school night in 2019 may have just been just another benign appointment on the calendar, but now it’s fraught with worry about whether you should mask and if you’re going to say something embarrassing to someone you haven’t seen in a long time.
DiMarco and Saxbe said the antidote to this feeling is making space in your life for things that affirm your values and makes meaning. DiMarco recommended that you schedule something every day that is “values consistent” that you can look forward to, even if it’s just for 15 minutes. That can be anything from connecting with a friend to advocating a cause that’s meaningful to you. DiMarco and Saxbe said the antidote to this feeling is making space in your life for things that affirm your values and make meaning. DiMarco recommended that you schedule something every day that is “values consistent” that you can look forward to, even if it’s just for 15 minutes. That can be anything from connecting with a friend to advocating a cause that’s meaningful to you.
But I also find that there is value in just talking about this feeling, whatever you want to call it; “demoralization,” “depletion” and “cognitive dissonance” were other terms my social media correspondents used. It’s a persistent sense that we aren’t the people and families that we were in 2019, even though there are so many forces insisting that we should be. I don’t think we can medicalize, anesthetize or self-help our way out of it. We can only focus on the perpetual work of caring for communities, our families and ourselves. I don’t have a snappy term or catchphrase for that.But I also find that there is value in just talking about this feeling, whatever you want to call it; “demoralization,” “depletion” and “cognitive dissonance” were other terms my social media correspondents used. It’s a persistent sense that we aren’t the people and families that we were in 2019, even though there are so many forces insisting that we should be. I don’t think we can medicalize, anesthetize or self-help our way out of it. We can only focus on the perpetual work of caring for communities, our families and ourselves. I don’t have a snappy term or catchphrase for that.
In 2020, Tara Haelle wrote about depleted “surge capacity” for Medium’s Elemental. “Surge capacity is a collection of adaptive systems — mental and physical — that humans draw on for short-term survival in acutely stressful situations, such as natural disasters.” But in a pandemic, when the acutely stressful situation is drawn out, she explained, our surge capacity is pushed to its limits, and for her, it turned into an “anxiety-tainted depression mixed with ennui that I can’t kick.”In 2020, Tara Haelle wrote about depleted “surge capacity” for Medium’s Elemental. “Surge capacity is a collection of adaptive systems — mental and physical — that humans draw on for short-term survival in acutely stressful situations, such as natural disasters.” But in a pandemic, when the acutely stressful situation is drawn out, she explained, our surge capacity is pushed to its limits, and for her, it turned into an “anxiety-tainted depression mixed with ennui that I can’t kick.”
Last month in The Cut, Annaliese Griffin explored the issue in “The Myth of Adrenal Fatigue: The ‘condition’ could explain everything you’re feeling — if only it were real.”Last month in The Cut, Annaliese Griffin explored the issue in “The Myth of Adrenal Fatigue: The ‘condition’ could explain everything you’re feeling — if only it were real.”
A new study on parental burnout published in the journal Frontiers in Psychology found that “social comparisons, social media use, negative emotions when comparing oneself to others on social media and a high do it all discrepancy (feeling one should be able to do it all more so than perceptions that one can) were correlated with higher reports of work-related and parental burnout.”A new study on parental burnout published in the journal Frontiers in Psychology found that “social comparisons, social media use, negative emotions when comparing oneself to others on social media and a high do it all discrepancy (feeling one should be able to do it all more so than perceptions that one can) were correlated with higher reports of work-related and parental burnout.”
Parenting can be a grind. Let’s celebrate the tiny victories.Parenting can be a grind. Let’s celebrate the tiny victories.
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