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| For better, for worse | For better, for worse |
| (2 days later) | |
| Not so long ago, people would blame trouble with their nerves for why they were feeling unwell. It's not something you hear much these days, says Laurie Taylor in his weekly column. | Not so long ago, people would blame trouble with their nerves for why they were feeling unwell. It's not something you hear much these days, says Laurie Taylor in his weekly column. |
| It must have been early November in the late 1980s when Marcia and I had our first real argument. Of course we'd had the occasional little tiff about whose turn it was to take down the rubbish or clean the oven or change the duvet cover but otherwise we'd managed nearly six months of cohabitation with a degree of mutual understanding that was beginning to make me think we might be made for each other. | It must have been early November in the late 1980s when Marcia and I had our first real argument. Of course we'd had the occasional little tiff about whose turn it was to take down the rubbish or clean the oven or change the duvet cover but otherwise we'd managed nearly six months of cohabitation with a degree of mutual understanding that was beginning to make me think we might be made for each other. |
| FIND OUT MORE Hear Laurie Taylor's Thinking Allowed on Radio 4 at 1600 on Wednesdays or 0030 on MondaysOr listen to it here on the iPlayer | FIND OUT MORE Hear Laurie Taylor's Thinking Allowed on Radio 4 at 1600 on Wednesdays or 0030 on MondaysOr listen to it here on the iPlayer |
| But then came that real argument. | But then came that real argument. |
| We'd returned back to the flat following an afternoon spent buying an extra wooden tray (we both enjoyed eating in front of the television and the tray that I'd rescued from my previous marriage was simply too small to hold two plates). All I did - and the details still strike me as important - was walk over to the sofa, sit down, stretch out my legs, and say "That's better". | We'd returned back to the flat following an afternoon spent buying an extra wooden tray (we both enjoyed eating in front of the television and the tray that I'd rescued from my previous marriage was simply too small to hold two plates). All I did - and the details still strike me as important - was walk over to the sofa, sit down, stretch out my legs, and say "That's better". |
| That was all. No more no less. But it proved far too much for Marcia. She suddenly rounded on me with a quite extraordinary ferocity. | That was all. No more no less. But it proved far too much for Marcia. She suddenly rounded on me with a quite extraordinary ferocity. |
| "Why did you say 'that's better'?" she demanded. | "Why did you say 'that's better'?" she demanded. |
| I tried to calm her down. | I tried to calm her down. |
| "I only meant that it was a relief to sit down for a moment after all those hours shopping for a tray." | "I only meant that it was a relief to sit down for a moment after all those hours shopping for a tray." |
| "Do you know something?" said Marcia. "You have been using that damned phrase over and over again for the last six months. When you've finished your breakfast toast and marmalade in the morning you rub your stomach and say 'that's better'. | "Do you know something?" said Marcia. "You have been using that damned phrase over and over again for the last six months. When you've finished your breakfast toast and marmalade in the morning you rub your stomach and say 'that's better'. |
| Stormed off | Stormed off |
| "When you get home from work and sip your first cup of tea you say 'that's better'. When you've drawn the curtains in the evening and sat down to watch the television you say 'that's better'. What is the matter with you? It's as though life is a constant set of trials and tribulations from which you're always recovering. | "When you get home from work and sip your first cup of tea you say 'that's better'. When you've drawn the curtains in the evening and sat down to watch the television you say 'that's better'. What is the matter with you? It's as though life is a constant set of trials and tribulations from which you're always recovering. |
| She was holding another woman's hand and that her lips were moving silently. 'That's better,' she mouthed | She was holding another woman's hand and that her lips were moving silently. 'That's better,' she mouthed |
| "Well, do you know what I think would be better? It would really be better if we stopped living together. Now that really would be better." | "Well, do you know what I think would be better? It would really be better if we stopped living together. Now that really would be better." |
| Which is how I lost Marcia. No more no less. The very next day she gathered up all her possessions - including the new wooden tray - and went back to her mother's. If she'd stayed around a little longer and if her rage hadn't been so sustained I might have had a chance to explain that the expression which so infuriated her (and several of my other intimate acquaintances) was a family legacy. | Which is how I lost Marcia. No more no less. The very next day she gathered up all her possessions - including the new wooden tray - and went back to her mother's. If she'd stayed around a little longer and if her rage hadn't been so sustained I might have had a chance to explain that the expression which so infuriated her (and several of my other intimate acquaintances) was a family legacy. |
| Let me explain: my mother largely alternated between just two emotional states. She was either having some trouble with her nerves or feeling better after having had some trouble with her nerves. The trouble she had with her nerves was never straightforward. | Let me explain: my mother largely alternated between just two emotional states. She was either having some trouble with her nerves or feeling better after having had some trouble with her nerves. The trouble she had with her nerves was never straightforward. |
| All of us in the family learned to distinguish between the different states they might assume. We recognised the difference between the times when they were what she called "on edge". We also knew when her nerves were "playing up" and when they were "frayed". | All of us in the family learned to distinguish between the different states they might assume. We recognised the difference between the times when they were what she called "on edge". We also knew when her nerves were "playing up" and when they were "frayed". |
| We were particularly aware of the relatively rare days when she was "all nerves" and the occasional moments when she declared that she was nothing but "a nervous wreck". We also knew that her nerves would go on "jangling" until she announced the neural all-clear, until, that is, the moment when she simply said "that's better". | We were particularly aware of the relatively rare days when she was "all nerves" and the occasional moments when she declared that she was nothing but "a nervous wreck". We also knew that her nerves would go on "jangling" until she announced the neural all-clear, until, that is, the moment when she simply said "that's better". |
| Family history | Family history |
| My mother went to the doctor with her nerves. It didn't seem to effect any improvement although Dad did once tell me that I should be kinder to her because the new young doctor had diagnosed her as "neurasthenic". | My mother went to the doctor with her nerves. It didn't seem to effect any improvement although Dad did once tell me that I should be kinder to her because the new young doctor had diagnosed her as "neurasthenic". |
| WHAT IS NEURASTHENIA? State of constant fatigue, loss of motivation and energy and often insomnia and muscle aches associated with general and persistent unhappiness Source: Collins Dictionary of Medicine | WHAT IS NEURASTHENIA? State of constant fatigue, loss of motivation and energy and often insomnia and muscle aches associated with general and persistent unhappiness Source: Collins Dictionary of Medicine |
| I'll never know whether Marcia might have treated me more tolerantly if she'd known all this family history, know how the phrase "that's better" had once dominated my home life. We met just once again at the annual conference of the British Sociological Association in Cardiff in the late 90s where she only shot me a brief glance as she strode into a plenary session. | I'll never know whether Marcia might have treated me more tolerantly if she'd known all this family history, know how the phrase "that's better" had once dominated my home life. We met just once again at the annual conference of the British Sociological Association in Cardiff in the late 90s where she only shot me a brief glance as she strode into a plenary session. |
| But I had plenty of time to notice that she was holding another woman's hand and that her lips were moving silently. "That's better," she mouthed in my direction, making sure as she did so that I saw her giving her new partner's hand an extra special squeeze. | But I had plenty of time to notice that she was holding another woman's hand and that her lips were moving silently. "That's better," she mouthed in my direction, making sure as she did so that I saw her giving her new partner's hand an extra special squeeze. |
| Problems with nerves now seem to have receded, as does the diagnosis of neurasthenia. But hundreds of thousands of people in the UK still present themselves to doctors with exactly the sort of symptoms which my mother attributed to her highly strung nerves - fatigue, anxiety, headaches, depressed moods. Medically unexplained symptoms. | Problems with nerves now seem to have receded, as does the diagnosis of neurasthenia. But hundreds of thousands of people in the UK still present themselves to doctors with exactly the sort of symptoms which my mother attributed to her highly strung nerves - fatigue, anxiety, headaches, depressed moods. Medically unexplained symptoms. |
| Below is a selection of your comments. | |
| It was always about nerves in my family and still is! The cry "It's me nerves" often goes out to explain almost any ailment. Which is probably true given how intrinsically linked our guts and nervous systems are. From an early age I was dosed with malt extract to boost my nervous system. I think we downplay the role of our nerves these days.Kate, Bristol | |
| Could these medically unexplained symptoms be consequences of our modern way of life?Allan Warhurst, Birmingham, UK | |
| I think that in modern Western medicine we are trying too much to diagnose, to define the exact chemical imbalance that causes anxiety or depression or headaches. We think that once we identity the chemical imbalance, we can just prescribe more chemicals (drugs and medicines) to cure the sufferer. What would really help us is to communicate with one another and introspect. Find some quiet time and ask yourself, or ask someone you feel is unhappy - "What's on your mind? What is the thing that's really making you feel like this? How can I help you? (or how can I help myself?)" Perhaps if we make this a habit, we can save the storming out of living partners and be more understanding towards one another. As this story shows, miscommunication can really make things go sour. Raya, Somerset, NJ, USA | |
| Interesting reading this as my old aunt frequently told me that the family suffered from 'nerves' on her side and it was inherent. Besides myself I know of two cousins who have struggled with 'nerves', and did wonder whether it is true what my aunt said. H Davis, Berkshire | |
| Is it not now true that these symptoms are universally labelled as 'depression' and sufferers are handed pills to deal with what it almost certainly a normal part of the ebb and flow of life? I too recall my mother talking about other women, invariably of 'a certain age', who "suffered with their nerves". It was falling out of favour when I trained as a nurse and is now as dead as the dodo. As is 'hysteria' in the form described by Freud, and my personal favourite, a touch of 'the vapours'. Now, we dispense anti-depressants, HRT and therapy. Yet many will identify with those symptoms, as many now as 30 years ago. It's that terminal condition called 'life' and there is no known cure. Andi, England | |
| The body and mind don't unfortunately always work in harmony and we now have a belief that we should in our modern age be able to 'fix' people with drugs, or by operating, and then for the sake of everyone around them they should remain cured.... but if they're not, and there is no solution available they should just 'deal' with it, generally little or nothing is done about it. | |
| My family has a history of depressive illnesses from "baby blues" to "feeling down", it wasn't until I moved back to this neck of the woods a few years ago that I became familiar with this description of mental illness. My elderly neighbour and son both suffer with "bad nerves". I think the "nerves" description came from a theory based on studies by Sigmund Freud.Dave, Llanelli | |
| I am 82. "Fatigue, anxiety... depressed moods" . I've had these all my life - 82. There's no good just asking the doc for a pick-me-up. One gets set up for investigation into whatever fashionable syndrome is gaining Brownie points for "targets" at the moment, with a referal to the local hospital where you can't get parked and where the corridors are too long. So a couple of stiff G&Ts are the only answer. Alex Dick, Dundee, United Kingdom |