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'I didn't know how to grieve' 'I didn't know how to grieve'
(1 day later)
By Jane Elliott Health reporter, BBC NewsBy Jane Elliott Health reporter, BBC News
Sophie (left) worried about how she should feelSophie (left) worried about how she should feel
When Sophie Rudoff's father died she was alternatively calm and angry. When Sophie Rudoff's father died she was both calm and angry.
What she did not do was lock herself in her room and rage or rebel.What she did not do was lock herself in her room and rage or rebel.
But she worried that this measured reaction was wrong.But she worried that this measured reaction was wrong.
She thought she knew from films and books how she should react.She thought she knew from films and books how she should react.
Not a stereotypeNot a stereotype
"When something like this happens you see on TV that the kids go off the rails and start taking drugs and being really teenagery."When something like this happens you see on TV that the kids go off the rails and start taking drugs and being really teenagery.
"I have never been like that, thank God."I have never been like that, thank God.
I really thought it was going to rip my family apart Sophie RudoffI really thought it was going to rip my family apart Sophie Rudoff
"But I was worried because I was not behaving like that and thought people would think I did not love him.""But I was worried because I was not behaving like that and thought people would think I did not love him."
Sophie's father died unexpectedly when she was 13.Sophie's father died unexpectedly when she was 13.
"My dad was on Waterloo Bridge and witnesses saw him clutching his head. He stumbled into the road and was run over. It turns out that he had a brain haemorrhage."My dad was on Waterloo Bridge and witnesses saw him clutching his head. He stumbled into the road and was run over. It turns out that he had a brain haemorrhage.
"He had a bit of high cholesterol, but that was it. He was just 49 when he died."He had a bit of high cholesterol, but that was it. He was just 49 when he died.
Sudden deathSudden death
"We did not know at the time that he had a brain haemorrhage and I had been so angry at him.""We did not know at the time that he had a brain haemorrhage and I had been so angry at him."
Sophie from London, who is now 16, felt swamped by her grief.Sophie from London, who is now 16, felt swamped by her grief.
"I really thought it was going to rip my family apart," she said."I really thought it was going to rip my family apart," she said.
But thankfully a family friend suggested the family went to Grief Encounter - a charity set up to help children through bereavement.But thankfully a family friend suggested the family went to Grief Encounter - a charity set up to help children through bereavement.
"When I first heard about them I was really reluctant to go for any counselling because I did not feel I needed any," said Sophie."When I first heard about them I was really reluctant to go for any counselling because I did not feel I needed any," said Sophie.
"And at first I was not that comfortable about being open with it but we started going to counselling sessions a lot."And at first I was not that comfortable about being open with it but we started going to counselling sessions a lot.
"When you go into a group like that, although no story or situation are the same, it is so nice to have that in common with someone and to know they are sharing that pain."When you go into a group like that, although no story or situation are the same, it is so nice to have that in common with someone and to know they are sharing that pain.
"It helped me through a lot.""It helped me through a lot."
Sophie received help for a year and, although she knows she will never get over the death of her father, she is better able to cope.Sophie received help for a year and, although she knows she will never get over the death of her father, she is better able to cope.
"After a while I felt we did not need to go any more but the bond I still had with the people are still there and I know I can call them up and have support.""After a while I felt we did not need to go any more but the bond I still had with the people are still there and I know I can call them up and have support."
Therapy supportTherapy support
Much of Sophie's therapy came through art and writing, which allowed her to express her feelings properly and open up.Much of Sophie's therapy came through art and writing, which allowed her to express her feelings properly and open up.
"When the death of a loved one happens you have to become an adult whether you want to or not."When the death of a loved one happens you have to become an adult whether you want to or not.
"This is not the sort of thing that is meant to happen to a young child - you have no choice, you are in an adult situation. Without Grief Encounter I do not honestly know how my family would be now."This is not the sort of thing that is meant to happen to a young child - you have no choice, you are in an adult situation. Without Grief Encounter I do not honestly know how my family would be now.
One day the mum came in and found one of the children in the bath trying to drown the other because they wanted to go to heaven to be with their sister Shelley GilbertOne day the mum came in and found one of the children in the bath trying to drown the other because they wanted to go to heaven to be with their sister Shelley Gilbert
"With something like this you do not move on, but you learn to adapt. If you don't you are screwed.""With something like this you do not move on, but you learn to adapt. If you don't you are screwed."
Shelley Gilbert, managing director of Grief Encounter and a psychotherapist, said tailored grief services are vital for children like Sophie.Shelley Gilbert, managing director of Grief Encounter and a psychotherapist, said tailored grief services are vital for children like Sophie.
But she said they were sporadic and that more are needed.But she said they were sporadic and that more are needed.
"What services there are available is a postcode lottery. Any help that does exist is often perceived as a luxury."What services there are available is a postcode lottery. Any help that does exist is often perceived as a luxury.
"We want to see changes."We want to see changes.
"We know people are bereaved, but we wait for trouble to happen before we intervene.""We know people are bereaved, but we wait for trouble to happen before we intervene."
And she said that not getting speedy responses could lead to long-lasting damages.And she said that not getting speedy responses could lead to long-lasting damages.
A third of bereaved children will experience social emotional and behavioural problems.A third of bereaved children will experience social emotional and behavioural problems.
She said her teams, who get most of their referrals through schools, tailor approaches according to the age of the child and that these could be through art, poetry or writing or simply playing games that allow them to explore their feelings.She said her teams, who get most of their referrals through schools, tailor approaches according to the age of the child and that these could be through art, poetry or writing or simply playing games that allow them to explore their feelings.
"What we do very much depends on the age of the child, the child itself, and who has died. There are a lot of factors."What we do very much depends on the age of the child, the child itself, and who has died. There are a lot of factors.
"We as adults don't manage death very well so how do we prepare for our children's questions."We as adults don't manage death very well so how do we prepare for our children's questions.
"We have issues such as 'what has happened to mummy?' The response can be 'mummy is in heaven'. So then the child might say, 'then can we go and visit her?'''"We have issues such as 'what has happened to mummy?' The response can be 'mummy is in heaven'. So then the child might say, 'then can we go and visit her?'''
And she said parents could face serious pitfalls in trying to explain death.And she said parents could face serious pitfalls in trying to explain death.
"In one family there were twin children and another child had died in the family."In one family there were twin children and another child had died in the family.
"They made heaven into a marvellous place and reassured the children that the child who had died was fine."They made heaven into a marvellous place and reassured the children that the child who had died was fine.
"One day the mum came in and found one of the children in the bath trying to drown the other because they wanted to go to heaven to be with their sister."One day the mum came in and found one of the children in the bath trying to drown the other because they wanted to go to heaven to be with their sister.
"We are about helping families find a new kind of normal and trying to explain death and dying to children and young people in a safe way.""We are about helping families find a new kind of normal and trying to explain death and dying to children and young people in a safe way."