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'Have I fixed my fat head yet?' 'Have I fixed my fat head yet?'
(10 minutes later)
Hannah Jones is a 35 year-old Cardiff-based journalist who, at 19 stone, is clinically obese.Hannah Jones is a 35 year-old Cardiff-based journalist who, at 19 stone, is clinically obese.
She is convinced the problem is in her head so she decides to take an honest look at her relationship with food.She is convinced the problem is in her head so she decides to take an honest look at her relationship with food.
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'I want to be normal, I want to have a pastie and not feel guilty about it''I want to be normal, I want to have a pastie and not feel guilty about it'
"I think you're aesthetically very pleasing… but isn't it a shame you're not into exercise or dietary control," said one man to me in the world's worst chat-up line."I think you're aesthetically very pleasing… but isn't it a shame you're not into exercise or dietary control," said one man to me in the world's worst chat-up line.
A lesser girl would have cried. I laughed… then self-medicated with an industrial sized bar of Fruit and Nut. And therein lies my "problem".A lesser girl would have cried. I laughed… then self-medicated with an industrial sized bar of Fruit and Nut. And therein lies my "problem".
Making the documentary Fix My Fat Head was my chance to sort out, once and for all, why I do what I do.Making the documentary Fix My Fat Head was my chance to sort out, once and for all, why I do what I do.
And that is sometimes, not all the time, overeat for comfort and pleasure or to swallow down pain.And that is sometimes, not all the time, overeat for comfort and pleasure or to swallow down pain.
Don't for a minute think that, as a size-24 bird, I sit in the house stuffing chocolate, fried bread and beef burgers for breakfast. I don't.Don't for a minute think that, as a size-24 bird, I sit in the house stuffing chocolate, fried bread and beef burgers for breakfast. I don't.
Part of me wakes up every morning and screams: 'You're great just the way you are, no matter what people say to you!' More on Fix My Fat HeadPart of me wakes up every morning and screams: 'You're great just the way you are, no matter what people say to you!' More on Fix My Fat Head
But my relationship with food and myself has always been complex, like the best kind of carbs.But my relationship with food and myself has always been complex, like the best kind of carbs.
It's a full time job being professionally big.It's a full time job being professionally big.
I live a life of excuses, from pretending to pause to do up the laces on my zip-up shoes after climbing a single flight of stairs, to thinking up grand schemes to avoid going for a walk or start eating fruit.I live a life of excuses, from pretending to pause to do up the laces on my zip-up shoes after climbing a single flight of stairs, to thinking up grand schemes to avoid going for a walk or start eating fruit.
In a bid to lose weight, I've followed the dietary Holy Trinity: calorie counting, Atkins and abject misery. But nothing has ever worked long-term for me.In a bid to lose weight, I've followed the dietary Holy Trinity: calorie counting, Atkins and abject misery. But nothing has ever worked long-term for me.
I also tried out an overeaters' support group, an extreme dieting class, and Cognitive Behaviour Therapy sessions.I also tried out an overeaters' support group, an extreme dieting class, and Cognitive Behaviour Therapy sessions.
While having a go on the chair with a hypnotist to the stars, I was asked if I'd ever been called Dumbo. And she wasn't asking about my intelligence levels there.While having a go on the chair with a hypnotist to the stars, I was asked if I'd ever been called Dumbo. And she wasn't asking about my intelligence levels there.
I'm sure well-meaning folk confuse having thick ankles with being thick-skinned.I'm sure well-meaning folk confuse having thick ankles with being thick-skinned.
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'I have to imagine I have this great body... I just want to laugh my head off''I have to imagine I have this great body... I just want to laugh my head off'
Tell someone they're not quite up to the mark often enough, that they would be "better" slimmer, and only an idiot wouldn't believe the tripe.Tell someone they're not quite up to the mark often enough, that they would be "better" slimmer, and only an idiot wouldn't believe the tripe.
I've spent years wondering if I'd ever get to grips with myself, that authentic (thank you, Oprah) part of me that wakes up every morning and screams: "You're great just the way you are, no matter what people say to you!"I've spent years wondering if I'd ever get to grips with myself, that authentic (thank you, Oprah) part of me that wakes up every morning and screams: "You're great just the way you are, no matter what people say to you!"
Yet I seem to have spent my entire life on countless diets and feeling that I don't quite measure up, especially in the boobs, waist and thighs ratio.Yet I seem to have spent my entire life on countless diets and feeling that I don't quite measure up, especially in the boobs, waist and thighs ratio.
And let's not forget that I'm a journalist, newspaper columnist, a published author, and all round nice guy.And let's not forget that I'm a journalist, newspaper columnist, a published author, and all round nice guy.
In my childhood I noticed I was "different" to other kids my age - taller, bigger, hungrier, lazier, and sadder. But I was also adored, loved, cherished and told that I could do anything I put my mind to.In my childhood I noticed I was "different" to other kids my age - taller, bigger, hungrier, lazier, and sadder. But I was also adored, loved, cherished and told that I could do anything I put my mind to.
So I've come to the conclusion that the problem is surely all in my head.So I've come to the conclusion that the problem is surely all in my head.
Hannah feels she has let down after eating chocolates to soothe herselfHannah feels she has let down after eating chocolates to soothe herself
I have a wonky view of myself, my allure, my attractiveness and self-worth. Perhaps it's because I feel that society doesn't accept me as I am.I have a wonky view of myself, my allure, my attractiveness and self-worth. Perhaps it's because I feel that society doesn't accept me as I am.
I can't shop "normally", and if I go to the doctor's with an in-growing toenail, they usually have some fat-infused reasoning for it.I can't shop "normally", and if I go to the doctor's with an in-growing toenail, they usually have some fat-infused reasoning for it.
"Eat less, move more" is society's less than helpful mantra."Eat less, move more" is society's less than helpful mantra.
I'm just a normal someone who'd like to fit into a size 18-20 dress and think, finally, that my head and body are in synch and not at odds with each other.I'm just a normal someone who'd like to fit into a size 18-20 dress and think, finally, that my head and body are in synch and not at odds with each other.
I'm not someone who needed to drop one dress size or tone up a bit - when I started the film, I was at least seven stones overweight.I'm not someone who needed to drop one dress size or tone up a bit - when I started the film, I was at least seven stones overweight.
But the difference between me and most women, though, is I've never harboured ambitions to be a size 12. I may be obese, but I ain't deluded.But the difference between me and most women, though, is I've never harboured ambitions to be a size 12. I may be obese, but I ain't deluded.
Have I fixed my fat head yet? I got so fed up of talking about myself by the end of it all, that I got a personal trainer instead.Have I fixed my fat head yet? I got so fed up of talking about myself by the end of it all, that I got a personal trainer instead.
I'm now trying not to convince myself that I can eat more that I'm running for up to 23 seconds at a time. I'm now trying not to convince myself that I can eat more now that I'm running for up to 23 seconds at a time.
I'm still that (not so) little girl waiting for the promise of the demise of her puppy fat to finally come true.I'm still that (not so) little girl waiting for the promise of the demise of her puppy fat to finally come true.
What I did learn is one big fat fact: it takes a hell of a lot of unravelling to learn to like yourself, belly, warts and all.What I did learn is one big fat fact: it takes a hell of a lot of unravelling to learn to like yourself, belly, warts and all.
Fix My Fat Head, part of the BBC Headroom eating disorder campaign, is on BBC One, Tuesday 5 May at 22.35 BST. Fix My Fat Head, part of the BBC Headroom eating disorder campaign, is on BBC One, Tuesday 5 May at 22.35 BST.