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Navigating the Wilds of Maternal Love Navigating the Wilds of Maternal Love
(3 days later)
Growing up, we had a nickname for our mother: “Mrs. Worst Case Scenario.” Peril, it seemed, was everywhere. An invitation to go on a ski trip inevitably meant a broken leg. Swimming in the ocean spelled certain death from unseen riptides — everyone knew the lifeguards weren’t really watching. And then, at age 22, when I told her I planned to travel cross country, her response was resolute: “Absolutely not. You’ll get raped, murdered or worse,” she said, failing to clarify what might be worse.Growing up, we had a nickname for our mother: “Mrs. Worst Case Scenario.” Peril, it seemed, was everywhere. An invitation to go on a ski trip inevitably meant a broken leg. Swimming in the ocean spelled certain death from unseen riptides — everyone knew the lifeguards weren’t really watching. And then, at age 22, when I told her I planned to travel cross country, her response was resolute: “Absolutely not. You’ll get raped, murdered or worse,” she said, failing to clarify what might be worse.
Negotiations ensued, and five weeks later, I unzipped my tent in Yosemite National Park in search of a pay phone. I found a little convenience hut and asked the attendant for directions. “Excuse me,” she called as I walked away. “By any chance is your name Maggie? Maggie from New Jersey?”Negotiations ensued, and five weeks later, I unzipped my tent in Yosemite National Park in search of a pay phone. I found a little convenience hut and asked the attendant for directions. “Excuse me,” she called as I walked away. “By any chance is your name Maggie? Maggie from New Jersey?”
There’s almost no favorable scenario in which a national park campground clerk can accurately guess your name and home state. In my case, I knew what this meant: It meant park rangers. Possibly all-points bulletins. I pictured search dogs fanning the wilderness with only the stale scent of a college T-shirt for guidance.There’s almost no favorable scenario in which a national park campground clerk can accurately guess your name and home state. In my case, I knew what this meant: It meant park rangers. Possibly all-points bulletins. I pictured search dogs fanning the wilderness with only the stale scent of a college T-shirt for guidance.
It meant I’d forgotten to call home.It meant I’d forgotten to call home.
One of the many terms of our agreement had been this: I must call home every six hours, leaving a voice mail message with the time of day, current highway and the nearest exit, along with any additional details helpful to local law enforcement.One of the many terms of our agreement had been this: I must call home every six hours, leaving a voice mail message with the time of day, current highway and the nearest exit, along with any additional details helpful to local law enforcement.
“So they’ll know where to start looking for your body.” Mom had said this through clenched teeth on the day of my departure, angry that I would risk her peace of mind on this ridiculous whim. She’d stuffed business cards in the glove compartment of the Chevy Corsica we were traveling in and into random pockets of my duffel bag, presumably to notify my next of kin.“So they’ll know where to start looking for your body.” Mom had said this through clenched teeth on the day of my departure, angry that I would risk her peace of mind on this ridiculous whim. She’d stuffed business cards in the glove compartment of the Chevy Corsica we were traveling in and into random pockets of my duffel bag, presumably to notify my next of kin.
The Yosemite story became lore. When chatting with someone who didn’t know my overprotective mother, a friend would gush: “Tell them the ‘Maggie from New Jersey’ story!” It became my pièce de résistance about my crazy mother.The Yosemite story became lore. When chatting with someone who didn’t know my overprotective mother, a friend would gush: “Tell them the ‘Maggie from New Jersey’ story!” It became my pièce de résistance about my crazy mother.
But now, as a mom myself in a perilous era, I’ve begun to understand. These days, nearly every moment feels like a cautionary tale for my children’s survival. They are living amid a pandemic where simply touching the monkey bars could spell disaster. Not that Covid-19 has quashed their more dangerous fantasies: My oldest passes a parked motorcycle and talks of her plans to ride one. “Absolutely not,” I hear my mother say.But now, as a mom myself in a perilous era, I’ve begun to understand. These days, nearly every moment feels like a cautionary tale for my children’s survival. They are living amid a pandemic where simply touching the monkey bars could spell disaster. Not that Covid-19 has quashed their more dangerous fantasies: My oldest passes a parked motorcycle and talks of her plans to ride one. “Absolutely not,” I hear my mother say.
Only, now, it’s my own voice that I hear.Only, now, it’s my own voice that I hear.
My daughters are 7, 5 and 1 — hardly ages to be let loose into the wilds. Yet, on a recent hike, I shirked every request. The rocks my children wanted to climb? Covered in slippery moss. The narrow path begging exploration? A breeding ground for ticks.My daughters are 7, 5 and 1 — hardly ages to be let loose into the wilds. Yet, on a recent hike, I shirked every request. The rocks my children wanted to climb? Covered in slippery moss. The narrow path begging exploration? A breeding ground for ticks.
My mother often spoke about my body as if it were a Roth I.R.A. she’d cultivated. But as angry as she made me, I see now that I’ve no stones to throw, as I’ve been raising my daughters in that same glass house — retrofitted as a germ-proof bunker. I’m only seven years vested and already feel like I should have a lifetime controlling share in any decisions that might result in bodily or emotional harm. And isn’t that nearly every decision?My mother often spoke about my body as if it were a Roth I.R.A. she’d cultivated. But as angry as she made me, I see now that I’ve no stones to throw, as I’ve been raising my daughters in that same glass house — retrofitted as a germ-proof bunker. I’m only seven years vested and already feel like I should have a lifetime controlling share in any decisions that might result in bodily or emotional harm. And isn’t that nearly every decision?
Therein lies my covetous secret. That bunker isn’t for my children. It’s for me. Because, if something terrible happened to them, I wouldn’t survive. I realize now what my mother had been referencing, so many years ago — what could be worse than being raped or murdered: those unspeakable things happening to one’s child. That’s the fear that comes with loving someone almost to the point of irrationality.Therein lies my covetous secret. That bunker isn’t for my children. It’s for me. Because, if something terrible happened to them, I wouldn’t survive. I realize now what my mother had been referencing, so many years ago — what could be worse than being raped or murdered: those unspeakable things happening to one’s child. That’s the fear that comes with loving someone almost to the point of irrationality.
Less than an hour after I’d asked about the pay phone, my traveling companions and I scrambled free of Yosemite’s cellular dead zone, the sun bearing down as we cleared the forest and hit a straight patch of highway. I watched as my cellphone came back to life: Twenty-two new messages — my father, siblings, best friends, a boyfriend, all trying to track me down at my mother’s behest. The final message came at 2 a.m. saying simply: “This is your mother and I am NOT asleep.” I spent that three-hour drive to San Francisco, half terrified, half resentful of the tether that felt more like a noose around my neck.Less than an hour after I’d asked about the pay phone, my traveling companions and I scrambled free of Yosemite’s cellular dead zone, the sun bearing down as we cleared the forest and hit a straight patch of highway. I watched as my cellphone came back to life: Twenty-two new messages — my father, siblings, best friends, a boyfriend, all trying to track me down at my mother’s behest. The final message came at 2 a.m. saying simply: “This is your mother and I am NOT asleep.” I spent that three-hour drive to San Francisco, half terrified, half resentful of the tether that felt more like a noose around my neck.
But 20 years later, my indignation has dimmed. My reflection, these days, is about the sheer magnitude of maternal love: That if you set off into the world, there is someone who loves you so fiercely, so irrationally, that they will find you in the wilds of California. That the attendant in a campsite sundries hut will know your name. That, without knowing you’re safe at 2 a.m., your mother will not be asleep.But 20 years later, my indignation has dimmed. My reflection, these days, is about the sheer magnitude of maternal love: That if you set off into the world, there is someone who loves you so fiercely, so irrationally, that they will find you in the wilds of California. That the attendant in a campsite sundries hut will know your name. That, without knowing you’re safe at 2 a.m., your mother will not be asleep.
At the time, I couldn’t dream of a world in which I’d ever feel comforted knowing someone cared about my exact location. That I would ever marvel at a love so encompassing that it expressed itself through stashed business cards and all points bulletins. I want to call my mother and explain all of this, but, of course, I can’t. She died at 64, not from the risks she’d feared for me, but from cigarettes smoked in her youth — an enemy from which her own mother didn’t even know to protect her.At the time, I couldn’t dream of a world in which I’d ever feel comforted knowing someone cared about my exact location. That I would ever marvel at a love so encompassing that it expressed itself through stashed business cards and all points bulletins. I want to call my mother and explain all of this, but, of course, I can’t. She died at 64, not from the risks she’d feared for me, but from cigarettes smoked in her youth — an enemy from which her own mother didn’t even know to protect her.
Updated June 5, 2020 Updated June 12, 2020
States are reopening bit by bit. This means that more public spaces are available for use and more and more businesses are being allowed to open again. The federal government is largely leaving the decision up to states, and some state leaders are leaving the decision up to local authorities. Even if you aren’t being told to stay at home, it’s still a good idea to limit trips outside and your interaction with other people.
So far, the evidence seems to show it does. A widely cited paper published in April suggests that people are most infectious about two days before the onset of coronavirus symptoms and estimated that 44 percent of new infections were a result of transmission from people who were not yet showing symptoms. Recently, a top expert at the World Health Organization stated that transmission of the coronavirus by people who did not have symptoms was “very rare,” but she later walked back that statement.So far, the evidence seems to show it does. A widely cited paper published in April suggests that people are most infectious about two days before the onset of coronavirus symptoms and estimated that 44 percent of new infections were a result of transmission from people who were not yet showing symptoms. Recently, a top expert at the World Health Organization stated that transmission of the coronavirus by people who did not have symptoms was “very rare,” but she later walked back that statement.
A study by European scientists is the first to document a strong statistical link between genetic variations and Covid-19, the illness caused by the coronavirus. Having Type A blood was linked to a 50 percent increase in the likelihood that a patient would need to get oxygen or to go on a ventilator, according to the new study.A study by European scientists is the first to document a strong statistical link between genetic variations and Covid-19, the illness caused by the coronavirus. Having Type A blood was linked to a 50 percent increase in the likelihood that a patient would need to get oxygen or to go on a ventilator, according to the new study.
The unemployment rate fell to 13.3 percent in May, the Labor Department said on June 5, an unexpected improvement in the nation’s job market as hiring rebounded faster than economists expected. Economists had forecast the unemployment rate to increase to as much as 20 percent, after it hit 14.7 percent in April, which was the highest since the government began keeping official statistics after World War II. But the unemployment rate dipped instead, with employers adding 2.5 million jobs, after more than 20 million jobs were lost in April.The unemployment rate fell to 13.3 percent in May, the Labor Department said on June 5, an unexpected improvement in the nation’s job market as hiring rebounded faster than economists expected. Economists had forecast the unemployment rate to increase to as much as 20 percent, after it hit 14.7 percent in April, which was the highest since the government began keeping official statistics after World War II. But the unemployment rate dipped instead, with employers adding 2.5 million jobs, after more than 20 million jobs were lost in April.
Mass protests against police brutality that have brought thousands of people onto the streets in cities across America are raising the specter of new coronavirus outbreaks, prompting political leaders, physicians and public health experts to warn that the crowds could cause a surge in cases. While many political leaders affirmed the right of protesters to express themselves, they urged the demonstrators to wear face masks and maintain social distancing, both to protect themselves and to prevent further community spread of the virus. Some infectious disease experts were reassured by the fact that the protests were held outdoors, saying the open air settings could mitigate the risk of transmission.Mass protests against police brutality that have brought thousands of people onto the streets in cities across America are raising the specter of new coronavirus outbreaks, prompting political leaders, physicians and public health experts to warn that the crowds could cause a surge in cases. While many political leaders affirmed the right of protesters to express themselves, they urged the demonstrators to wear face masks and maintain social distancing, both to protect themselves and to prevent further community spread of the virus. Some infectious disease experts were reassured by the fact that the protests were held outdoors, saying the open air settings could mitigate the risk of transmission.
Exercise researchers and physicians have some blunt advice for those of us aiming to return to regular exercise now: Start slowly and then rev up your workouts, also slowly. American adults tended to be about 12 percent less active after the stay-at-home mandates began in March than they were in January. But there are steps you can take to ease your way back into regular exercise safely. First, “start at no more than 50 percent of the exercise you were doing before Covid,” says Dr. Monica Rho, the chief of musculoskeletal medicine at the Shirley Ryan AbilityLab in Chicago. Thread in some preparatory squats, too, she advises. “When you haven’t been exercising, you lose muscle mass.” Expect some muscle twinges after these preliminary, post-lockdown sessions, especially a day or two later. But sudden or increasing pain during exercise is a clarion call to stop and return home.Exercise researchers and physicians have some blunt advice for those of us aiming to return to regular exercise now: Start slowly and then rev up your workouts, also slowly. American adults tended to be about 12 percent less active after the stay-at-home mandates began in March than they were in January. But there are steps you can take to ease your way back into regular exercise safely. First, “start at no more than 50 percent of the exercise you were doing before Covid,” says Dr. Monica Rho, the chief of musculoskeletal medicine at the Shirley Ryan AbilityLab in Chicago. Thread in some preparatory squats, too, she advises. “When you haven’t been exercising, you lose muscle mass.” Expect some muscle twinges after these preliminary, post-lockdown sessions, especially a day or two later. But sudden or increasing pain during exercise is a clarion call to stop and return home.
States are reopening bit by bit. This means that more public spaces are available for use and more and more businesses are being allowed to open again. The federal government is largely leaving the decision up to states, and some state leaders are leaving the decision up to local authorities. Even if you aren’t being told to stay at home, it’s still a good idea to limit trips outside and your interaction with other people.States are reopening bit by bit. This means that more public spaces are available for use and more and more businesses are being allowed to open again. The federal government is largely leaving the decision up to states, and some state leaders are leaving the decision up to local authorities. Even if you aren’t being told to stay at home, it’s still a good idea to limit trips outside and your interaction with other people.
Touching contaminated objects and then infecting ourselves with the germs is not typically how the virus spreads. But it can happen. A number of studies of flu, rhinovirus, coronavirus and other microbes have shown that respiratory illnesses, including the new coronavirus, can spread by touching contaminated surfaces, particularly in places like day care centers, offices and hospitals. But a long chain of events has to happen for the disease to spread that way. The best way to protect yourself from coronavirus — whether it’s surface transmission or close human contact — is still social distancing, washing your hands, not touching your face and wearing masks.Touching contaminated objects and then infecting ourselves with the germs is not typically how the virus spreads. But it can happen. A number of studies of flu, rhinovirus, coronavirus and other microbes have shown that respiratory illnesses, including the new coronavirus, can spread by touching contaminated surfaces, particularly in places like day care centers, offices and hospitals. But a long chain of events has to happen for the disease to spread that way. The best way to protect yourself from coronavirus — whether it’s surface transmission or close human contact — is still social distancing, washing your hands, not touching your face and wearing masks.
Common symptoms include fever, a dry cough, fatigue and difficulty breathing or shortness of breath. Some of these symptoms overlap with those of the flu, making detection difficult, but runny noses and stuffy sinuses are less common. The C.D.C. has also added chills, muscle pain, sore throat, headache and a new loss of the sense of taste or smell as symptoms to look out for. Most people fall ill five to seven days after exposure, but symptoms may appear in as few as two days or as many as 14 days.Common symptoms include fever, a dry cough, fatigue and difficulty breathing or shortness of breath. Some of these symptoms overlap with those of the flu, making detection difficult, but runny noses and stuffy sinuses are less common. The C.D.C. has also added chills, muscle pain, sore throat, headache and a new loss of the sense of taste or smell as symptoms to look out for. Most people fall ill five to seven days after exposure, but symptoms may appear in as few as two days or as many as 14 days.
If air travel is unavoidable, there are some steps you can take to protect yourself. Most important: Wash your hands often, and stop touching your face. If possible, choose a window seat. A study from Emory University found that during flu season, the safest place to sit on a plane is by a window, as people sitting in window seats had less contact with potentially sick people. Disinfect hard surfaces. When you get to your seat and your hands are clean, use disinfecting wipes to clean the hard surfaces at your seat like the head and arm rest, the seatbelt buckle, the remote, screen, seat back pocket and the tray table. If the seat is hard and nonporous or leather or pleather, you can wipe that down, too. (Using wipes on upholstered seats could lead to a wet seat and spreading of germs rather than killing them.)If air travel is unavoidable, there are some steps you can take to protect yourself. Most important: Wash your hands often, and stop touching your face. If possible, choose a window seat. A study from Emory University found that during flu season, the safest place to sit on a plane is by a window, as people sitting in window seats had less contact with potentially sick people. Disinfect hard surfaces. When you get to your seat and your hands are clean, use disinfecting wipes to clean the hard surfaces at your seat like the head and arm rest, the seatbelt buckle, the remote, screen, seat back pocket and the tray table. If the seat is hard and nonporous or leather or pleather, you can wipe that down, too. (Using wipes on upholstered seats could lead to a wet seat and spreading of germs rather than killing them.)
Taking one’s temperature to look for signs of fever is not as easy as it sounds, as “normal” temperature numbers can vary, but generally, keep an eye out for a temperature of 100.5 degrees Fahrenheit or higher. If you don’t have a thermometer (they can be pricey these days), there are other ways to figure out if you have a fever, or are at risk of Covid-19 complications.Taking one’s temperature to look for signs of fever is not as easy as it sounds, as “normal” temperature numbers can vary, but generally, keep an eye out for a temperature of 100.5 degrees Fahrenheit or higher. If you don’t have a thermometer (they can be pricey these days), there are other ways to figure out if you have a fever, or are at risk of Covid-19 complications.
The C.D.C. has recommended that all Americans wear cloth masks if they go out in public. This is a shift in federal guidance reflecting new concerns that the coronavirus is being spread by infected people who have no symptoms. Until now, the C.D.C., like the W.H.O., has advised that ordinary people don’t need to wear masks unless they are sick and coughing. Part of the reason was to preserve medical-grade masks for health care workers who desperately need them at a time when they are in continuously short supply. Masks don’t replace hand washing and social distancing.The C.D.C. has recommended that all Americans wear cloth masks if they go out in public. This is a shift in federal guidance reflecting new concerns that the coronavirus is being spread by infected people who have no symptoms. Until now, the C.D.C., like the W.H.O., has advised that ordinary people don’t need to wear masks unless they are sick and coughing. Part of the reason was to preserve medical-grade masks for health care workers who desperately need them at a time when they are in continuously short supply. Masks don’t replace hand washing and social distancing.
If you’ve been exposed to the coronavirus or think you have, and have a fever or symptoms like a cough or difficulty breathing, call a doctor. They should give you advice on whether you should be tested, how to get tested, and how to seek medical treatment without potentially infecting or exposing others.If you’ve been exposed to the coronavirus or think you have, and have a fever or symptoms like a cough or difficulty breathing, call a doctor. They should give you advice on whether you should be tested, how to get tested, and how to seek medical treatment without potentially infecting or exposing others.
If you’re sick and you think you’ve been exposed to the new coronavirus, the C.D.C. recommends that you call your healthcare provider and explain your symptoms and fears. They will decide if you need to be tested. Keep in mind that there’s a chance — because of a lack of testing kits or because you’re asymptomatic, for instance — you won’t be able to get tested.If you’re sick and you think you’ve been exposed to the new coronavirus, the C.D.C. recommends that you call your healthcare provider and explain your symptoms and fears. They will decide if you need to be tested. Keep in mind that there’s a chance — because of a lack of testing kits or because you’re asymptomatic, for instance — you won’t be able to get tested.
And so here I am, motherless, left to navigate the wilds of this deranged love, unable to ask her: Would she have done it any differently? And should I?And so here I am, motherless, left to navigate the wilds of this deranged love, unable to ask her: Would she have done it any differently? And should I?
The past few months, I’ve contained my children in the equivalent of that bunker — our small, quarantined rowhouse — shielded from nearly every outside variable. I finally have my protective bubble, but it’s far from satisfying. Lost is the glimmer in their eyes encountering something new, the growth that comes with testing out the world on their own. But eventually, we’ll leave these confines. Someday they’ll make their own decisions. Will I really be able to watch them pull out of our driveway in somebody else’s old Chevy and sleep in an unprotected tent? Will I be able to stand in the doorway as they embark on an adventure, knowing that inherent in every adventure is risk?The past few months, I’ve contained my children in the equivalent of that bunker — our small, quarantined rowhouse — shielded from nearly every outside variable. I finally have my protective bubble, but it’s far from satisfying. Lost is the glimmer in their eyes encountering something new, the growth that comes with testing out the world on their own. But eventually, we’ll leave these confines. Someday they’ll make their own decisions. Will I really be able to watch them pull out of our driveway in somebody else’s old Chevy and sleep in an unprotected tent? Will I be able to stand in the doorway as they embark on an adventure, knowing that inherent in every adventure is risk?
That’s when I remember: “Mrs. Worst Case Scenario” herself stood in that doorway and sent me out into the wild — albeit with her own irrational parameters. The selfless side of mothering won out, even if I couldn’t recognize it then. It was a truth I never considered as we drove west out of Yosemite, the lines of sequoias fading into the horizon line, thinking only of ourselves, the possibilities of the open road, and what adventures the night held in San Francisco.That’s when I remember: “Mrs. Worst Case Scenario” herself stood in that doorway and sent me out into the wild — albeit with her own irrational parameters. The selfless side of mothering won out, even if I couldn’t recognize it then. It was a truth I never considered as we drove west out of Yosemite, the lines of sequoias fading into the horizon line, thinking only of ourselves, the possibilities of the open road, and what adventures the night held in San Francisco.
Maggie Master, a writer based in Baltimore, is working on her first novel for young adults.Maggie Master, a writer based in Baltimore, is working on her first novel for young adults.