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| Can't live with you, can't live without you | Can't live with you, can't live without you |
| (about 11 hours later) | |
| Married, but not together. How does this work, asks Laurie Taylor in his weekly column for the Magazine. | Married, but not together. How does this work, asks Laurie Taylor in his weekly column for the Magazine. |
| From time to time, I like to spend a weekend in the country with my old friends Tom and Fran. They're such an hospitable couple that it's never any great surprise to find when I arrive that they've also invited two or three other guests to share their large house. | From time to time, I like to spend a weekend in the country with my old friends Tom and Fran. They're such an hospitable couple that it's never any great surprise to find when I arrive that they've also invited two or three other guests to share their large house. |
| There's an implicit rule that one doesn't ask too many questions about these other guests but I know from experience that Tom and Fran are particularly fond of extending their rural hospitality to those who are currently coping with some form of personal distress or some new significant relationship. | There's an implicit rule that one doesn't ask too many questions about these other guests but I know from experience that Tom and Fran are particularly fond of extending their rural hospitality to those who are currently coping with some form of personal distress or some new significant relationship. |
| So it's no surprise on an average weekend to have learned by Sunday evening that you are sharing the house with Janet, who has recently walked out on her husband Jake, who has recently kicked a rather nasty drug habit, and Paul and Susie, a couple who are enjoying an illicit and often, from the point of view of the other guests, rather noisy new liaison. FIND OUT MORE Hear Laurie Taylor's Thinking Allowed on Radio 4 at 1600 on Wednesdays or 0030 on MondaysOr download the podcast here | So it's no surprise on an average weekend to have learned by Sunday evening that you are sharing the house with Janet, who has recently walked out on her husband Jake, who has recently kicked a rather nasty drug habit, and Paul and Susie, a couple who are enjoying an illicit and often, from the point of view of the other guests, rather noisy new liaison. FIND OUT MORE Hear Laurie Taylor's Thinking Allowed on Radio 4 at 1600 on Wednesdays or 0030 on MondaysOr download the podcast here |
| But until the week before last I'd always drawn a blank on Jeremy. | But until the week before last I'd always drawn a blank on Jeremy. |
| When guests' confession time came around (usually in the early hours of Sunday morning) Jeremy was invariably absent, having excused himself on the grounds that he needed to rise early for a jog, or that he had to finish off an urgent piece of work. | When guests' confession time came around (usually in the early hours of Sunday morning) Jeremy was invariably absent, having excused himself on the grounds that he needed to rise early for a jog, or that he had to finish off an urgent piece of work. |
| In the end my curiosity got the better of me and I found myself confronting Tom and Fran as they busied themselves with preparing Sunday breakfast on the Aga. | In the end my curiosity got the better of me and I found myself confronting Tom and Fran as they busied themselves with preparing Sunday breakfast on the Aga. |
| "What is it about Jeremy?" I asked. "I mean, I know something about his consulting work and I know roughly where he lives in Surrey and I know he has some minor cooking skills but I know nothing about his personal life. | "What is it about Jeremy?" I asked. "I mean, I know something about his consulting work and I know roughly where he lives in Surrey and I know he has some minor cooking skills but I know nothing about his personal life. |
| "He never joins in any of those late night chats about disintegrated and failed marriages and new and old affairs, and how to explain to the children that Daddy is no longer going to be around." | "He never joins in any of those late night chats about disintegrated and failed marriages and new and old affairs, and how to explain to the children that Daddy is no longer going to be around." |
| "That's precisely the point of Jeremy," said Fran, turning over the frying bacon with a little more force than necessary. I was not to be deterred. Happier times | "That's precisely the point of Jeremy," said Fran, turning over the frying bacon with a little more force than necessary. I was not to be deterred. Happier times |
| "What d'you mean? How can not talking about his marriage or his personal life be his point?" | "What d'you mean? How can not talking about his marriage or his personal life be his point?" |
| Fran abandoned the bacon, sausages and tomatoes for a moment and turned to face me. "Listen," she said, emphasising the significance of what she was about to say with an aerial slap of the spatula in her right hand. "Jeremy can't talk about marriage in the way that other people can because he is both married and unmarried." | Fran abandoned the bacon, sausages and tomatoes for a moment and turned to face me. "Listen," she said, emphasising the significance of what she was about to say with an aerial slap of the spatula in her right hand. "Jeremy can't talk about marriage in the way that other people can because he is both married and unmarried." |
| "Married and unmarried?" | "Married and unmarried?" |
| "That's right. Some time ago he and his wife decided that they simply couldn't stand each other any longer. But they both also agreed that they nevertheless liked the idea of still being married. It prevented questions from friends and neighbours. It sounded pleasantly conventional. | "That's right. Some time ago he and his wife decided that they simply couldn't stand each other any longer. But they both also agreed that they nevertheless liked the idea of still being married. It prevented questions from friends and neighbours. It sounded pleasantly conventional. |
| "So they proceeded to transform their house. New internal walls were built, whole sections were boarded up. A duplicate front door was erected and the small garden was divided in two by a high wooden fence. By the time they'd finished there was no possible way in which they could accidentally see or hear each other. They were utterly united by their total separation." | "So they proceeded to transform their house. New internal walls were built, whole sections were boarded up. A duplicate front door was erected and the small garden was divided in two by a high wooden fence. By the time they'd finished there was no possible way in which they could accidentally see or hear each other. They were utterly united by their total separation." |
| Banged up | Banged up |
| Fran turned back to the Aga and the hot plates that her husband Tom had laid out for her. "Breakfast's ready," she announced. But are they happy? It sounds like they've created little individual prisons | Fran turned back to the Aga and the hot plates that her husband Tom had laid out for her. "Breakfast's ready," she announced. But are they happy? It sounds like they've created little individual prisons |
| I followed her as she carried the full plates to the heaving kitchen table. "But are they happy?" I asked in her wake. "It sounds like they've created little individual prisons." | I followed her as she carried the full plates to the heaving kitchen table. "But are they happy?" I asked in her wake. "It sounds like they've created little individual prisons." |
| Fran plonked down the breakfasts. These would clearly be her last words. "Well," she said decisively. "At least they know exactly where they are. If only one could say that about most of the people who bring their traumas down here for the weekend." | Fran plonked down the breakfasts. These would clearly be her last words. "Well," she said decisively. "At least they know exactly where they are. If only one could say that about most of the people who bring their traumas down here for the weekend." |
| I remembered the story of Jeremy and his personal confinement when I read a new book called Doing Time Together: Love and Family in the Shadow of Prison. | I remembered the story of Jeremy and his personal confinement when I read a new book called Doing Time Together: Love and Family in the Shadow of Prison. |
| This careful study of women who have husbands or boyfriends incarcerated in San Quentin prison shows that in many cases, such women actually find that this incarceration improves the quality of their relationship. | This careful study of women who have husbands or boyfriends incarcerated in San Quentin prison shows that in many cases, such women actually find that this incarceration improves the quality of their relationship. |
| They may have some sense of loss, but knowing the exact and enduring location of their men gives them a sense of control over their own lives, an opportunity to learn new skills, a growing feeling of competence. | They may have some sense of loss, but knowing the exact and enduring location of their men gives them a sense of control over their own lives, an opportunity to learn new skills, a growing feeling of competence. |
| How various a thing is marriage when to live apart is the way to stay together. | How various a thing is marriage when to live apart is the way to stay together. |
| Add your comments on this story, using the form below. | Add your comments on this story, using the form below. |
| Sounds similar to my relationship. My fiancee and I have been together for several years. We live about 30 miles apart, and there is no question that we will not be moving in together. We both know that as soon as we do, our relationship will be over. We love each other to bits, have very common interests, spending weekend scuba diving, etc. But, we're so independent that we wouldn't be able to live in the same house. We just don't feel the need to be in each other's pockets all the time. People do sometimes think we're strange, but it's how we like it.Chris Bullion, Rochester, Kent | |
| Call me an old-fashioned romantic but I thought the reason you get married is because you love someone and want to be with them. If that's no longer the case, surely it's time to end the marriage rather than living a farcical lie?Amanda, Berks | |
| For me and my spouse, half the point of being married is to give up part of yourself and become "one" with the other person, sharing everything, facing everything together, and being stronger than you could be on your own. I don't think that the Bible is just talking about sex when it says "become one flesh". Now our society is more individualist than in previous times (not saying it's a bad thing), it's understandable that a lot of people don't want to make that sacrifice-of-self. Whenever my spouse and I tell people that we do everything together, we're looked upon as strange, deviant and a bit creepy. DG, Newport, UK | |
| Why get married at all? What's the point of being married if you don't spend any time with that person? I can't wait to get married and spend the rest of my life with the person I love. If I wanted to live in a separate house from him, he would be my friend and not my husband. LH, Leeds England | |
| I'm standing in the ruins of a crumbled marriage right now. The main reason is that it too felt "claustrophobic". But I can't help but feel that it did so because I let it do so (and so did my ex). Julian, London | |
| This is nuts. Marriage is supposed to be about sharing your lives and being to together. Sometimes marriages fail. I get that but caring on this pretence is even worse. It's bad enough that this couple is "keep up appearances" by lying to everyone around you to but to lie to themselves that's even worse. There is no way they can be happy with this. If they feel the marriage is over then file for a divorce. If their religious affiliation says they can't split then they should have been sure the choice of a spouse BEFORE tying the knot.Speechless, Chicago, IL US | |
| I know of couples who have similar arrangements and they work to a greater or lesser extent. Sometimes one partner may decide that as he/she is no longer sleeping with their other half, they may take on a lover, which can cause some very great upsets. However, I know of another couple who have an almost perfect marriage, mainly because they live in separate homes a short distance from each other. They can see each other any time they like and always know what the other is doing, but they don't feel the need to spend the whole of their lives together. They don't suffer from the claustrophobia and pressure other couples eventually feel, but retain some of the spark and mystery.Heather, Willenhall | |
| If you are in an unhappy marriage, and choose to stay that way, you are hiding in your marriage. It also means you are emotionally unavailable. At least be honest about it. Marriage is so much more than that. I'd rather be single than be trapped with an emotionally unavailable spouse. I take marriage seriously.Maureen, Florida, US | |
| I thought this might be similar to one I read about people staying together by living apart (causing problems for the housing market as it's generally older people with more money buying a second home driving up the price for first-time buyers). They are couples who want complete control over their homes, with no compromises, but also want a partner. A real case of "your place or mine"? However, the wives of those in prison surely just like the idea of being married, without the complications of living with your partner. Why not just tell people you're married and save yourself the hassle?FS, Devon, England | |
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