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Is Quarantine Worse for an Only Child? Is Quarantine Worse for an Only Child?
(4 days later)
Watching my 3-year-old become a geography expert over the last few weeks has taken my mom guilt from an occasional pang to a chronic panic attack. While I’m thrilled he can tell me that Tegucigalpa is the capital of Honduras, his lonely excursion through geography apps concerns me. As a marriage and family therapist, I worry that social distancing might cause my only child to draw deeper into himself, maybe even trigger long-term anxiety or depression.Watching my 3-year-old become a geography expert over the last few weeks has taken my mom guilt from an occasional pang to a chronic panic attack. While I’m thrilled he can tell me that Tegucigalpa is the capital of Honduras, his lonely excursion through geography apps concerns me. As a marriage and family therapist, I worry that social distancing might cause my only child to draw deeper into himself, maybe even trigger long-term anxiety or depression.
Scientists have argued for decades over the benefits and disadvantages that singletons face compared to kids with siblings, like generally being more creative but less agreeable. As with most aspects of child development, having siblings is just one factor in how a child develops socially and emotionally. But it’s hard to hold onto this perspective when I’m on Day 28 of watching my child’s solitary drift between puzzles, apps and “Sesame Street,” while my husband and I alternate work and child care shifts.Scientists have argued for decades over the benefits and disadvantages that singletons face compared to kids with siblings, like generally being more creative but less agreeable. As with most aspects of child development, having siblings is just one factor in how a child develops socially and emotionally. But it’s hard to hold onto this perspective when I’m on Day 28 of watching my child’s solitary drift between puzzles, apps and “Sesame Street,” while my husband and I alternate work and child care shifts.
I’ve noticed some unsettling changes in his behavior. He’s more resistant to going outside for walks, which are usually his favorite activity. He’s grouchy, beyond what we’ve come to expect from a threenager. He doesn’t say he’s lonely, but he certainly seems isolated. Would a live-in playmate make a difference?I’ve noticed some unsettling changes in his behavior. He’s more resistant to going outside for walks, which are usually his favorite activity. He’s grouchy, beyond what we’ve come to expect from a threenager. He doesn’t say he’s lonely, but he certainly seems isolated. Would a live-in playmate make a difference?
“There’s no special problem or obstacle that only children have to overcome because of the pandemic,” said Toni Falbo, Ph.D., an educational psychology professor at the University of Texas at Austin who has studied only children for 40 years. “I think they will be like all of their peers who have siblings.” She said that age would be a bigger factor. “Younger children would probably be fine with more time with their parents. As you get into more school-age children, they do start to yearn for other children.”“There’s no special problem or obstacle that only children have to overcome because of the pandemic,” said Toni Falbo, Ph.D., an educational psychology professor at the University of Texas at Austin who has studied only children for 40 years. “I think they will be like all of their peers who have siblings.” She said that age would be a bigger factor. “Younger children would probably be fine with more time with their parents. As you get into more school-age children, they do start to yearn for other children.”
Kathy Hirsh-Pasek, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at Temple University, agreed but was concerned that only children are sometimes treated too much like little adults. “You can pop them in front of the television and almost forget that you’re watching the news on Covid or a press conference they shouldn’t be watching,” she said. “We need to be extra vigilant.”Kathy Hirsh-Pasek, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at Temple University, agreed but was concerned that only children are sometimes treated too much like little adults. “You can pop them in front of the television and almost forget that you’re watching the news on Covid or a press conference they shouldn’t be watching,” she said. “We need to be extra vigilant.”
Dr. Falbo also indicated the importance of monitoring media use, but more in terms of children’s vulnerability to their parents’ distress — particularly since only children are typically very close with their parents. This bond might be an advantage in quarantine. “On average, only children have very good relationships with their parents. So, if they’re sheltering in place with their parents, they’re probably having a pretty decent time interacting with them,” Dr. Falbo said.Dr. Falbo also indicated the importance of monitoring media use, but more in terms of children’s vulnerability to their parents’ distress — particularly since only children are typically very close with their parents. This bond might be an advantage in quarantine. “On average, only children have very good relationships with their parents. So, if they’re sheltering in place with their parents, they’re probably having a pretty decent time interacting with them,” Dr. Falbo said.
I love my relationship with my son, but I worry about the loss of peer relationships while social distancing. We started him in preschool right after he turned 2, eager for him to learn how to bite and get bitten, to hate sharing and then lay out snack cups. More importantly, in preschool he connected with other kids and was learning how to be a friend. While my husband and I have upped our game on Candy Land and glitter glue projects, we are not his peers. There are only so many poop jokes we’ll laugh at.I love my relationship with my son, but I worry about the loss of peer relationships while social distancing. We started him in preschool right after he turned 2, eager for him to learn how to bite and get bitten, to hate sharing and then lay out snack cups. More importantly, in preschool he connected with other kids and was learning how to be a friend. While my husband and I have upped our game on Candy Land and glitter glue projects, we are not his peers. There are only so many poop jokes we’ll laugh at.
Dr. Hirsh-Pasek, who co-wrote “A Mandate for Playful Learning in Preschool,” said I shouldn’t panic. “The thing they are missing is this navigation and negotiation with the social world. Is it important? Absolutely. Is it going to be damaging? Absolutely not.” She said it would take years for children to experience lasting damage from the current shelter-at-home practices. “They still live in a social world. That social world has us as a part of it. We are their guides and travel agents. I don’t see it as harming them,” she said.Dr. Hirsh-Pasek, who co-wrote “A Mandate for Playful Learning in Preschool,” said I shouldn’t panic. “The thing they are missing is this navigation and negotiation with the social world. Is it important? Absolutely. Is it going to be damaging? Absolutely not.” She said it would take years for children to experience lasting damage from the current shelter-at-home practices. “They still live in a social world. That social world has us as a part of it. We are their guides and travel agents. I don’t see it as harming them,” she said.
Dr. Falbo echoed this sentiment, “My hope is that once school opens, we’ll be able to get back to the kind of development we want for our kids.”Dr. Falbo echoed this sentiment, “My hope is that once school opens, we’ll be able to get back to the kind of development we want for our kids.”
Both Dr. Falbo and Dr. Hirsh-Pasek heartily endorsed the use of video conferencing to fill the gap for only children. Dr. Hirsh-Pasek did a small experiment in 2014 that suggested toddlers can benefit from quality interactions on FaceTime and other video chats. The emotions on faces, the meaning of the communication and the timing of responses in on-screen connections promote language development in a way that a television show may not. It’s not clear whether teachers are as effective over video as they are in person.Both Dr. Falbo and Dr. Hirsh-Pasek heartily endorsed the use of video conferencing to fill the gap for only children. Dr. Hirsh-Pasek did a small experiment in 2014 that suggested toddlers can benefit from quality interactions on FaceTime and other video chats. The emotions on faces, the meaning of the communication and the timing of responses in on-screen connections promote language development in a way that a television show may not. It’s not clear whether teachers are as effective over video as they are in person.
Hirsh-Pasek urged parents to set up video conference playdates with friends to sing songs, share in scavenger hunts, and play games like Chutes and Ladders. While I’m not sure the chaotic Google Hangout with my son’s preschool class counts as quality, it is adorable to watch them try to talk to each other about their snacks and Elsa dolls.Hirsh-Pasek urged parents to set up video conference playdates with friends to sing songs, share in scavenger hunts, and play games like Chutes and Ladders. While I’m not sure the chaotic Google Hangout with my son’s preschool class counts as quality, it is adorable to watch them try to talk to each other about their snacks and Elsa dolls.
Meanwhile, when my son seems glum, I’ll remind myself that a bad mood is not the same as depression, which is characterized by not just pervasive irritability but also irregular sleep, loss of appetite and the inability to enjoy normally pleasurable activities. My son is still able to eat and sleep well, and he still gets excited about camping in our backyard, baking chocolate chip cookies and making a “feast” out of sticks and leaves.Meanwhile, when my son seems glum, I’ll remind myself that a bad mood is not the same as depression, which is characterized by not just pervasive irritability but also irregular sleep, loss of appetite and the inability to enjoy normally pleasurable activities. My son is still able to eat and sleep well, and he still gets excited about camping in our backyard, baking chocolate chip cookies and making a “feast” out of sticks and leaves.
Updated June 12, 2020Updated June 12, 2020
Touching contaminated objects and then infecting ourselves with the germs is not typically how the virus spreads. But it can happen. A number of studies of flu, rhinovirus, coronavirus and other microbes have shown that respiratory illnesses, including the new coronavirus, can spread by touching contaminated surfaces, particularly in places like day care centers, offices and hospitals. But a long chain of events has to happen for the disease to spread that way. The best way to protect yourself from coronavirus — whether it’s surface transmission or close human contact — is still social distancing, washing your hands, not touching your face and wearing masks.
So far, the evidence seems to show it does. A widely cited paper published in April suggests that people are most infectious about two days before the onset of coronavirus symptoms and estimated that 44 percent of new infections were a result of transmission from people who were not yet showing symptoms. Recently, a top expert at the World Health Organization stated that transmission of the coronavirus by people who did not have symptoms was “very rare,” but she later walked back that statement.So far, the evidence seems to show it does. A widely cited paper published in April suggests that people are most infectious about two days before the onset of coronavirus symptoms and estimated that 44 percent of new infections were a result of transmission from people who were not yet showing symptoms. Recently, a top expert at the World Health Organization stated that transmission of the coronavirus by people who did not have symptoms was “very rare,” but she later walked back that statement.
Touching contaminated objects and then infecting ourselves with the germs is not typically how the virus spreads. But it can happen. A number of studies of flu, rhinovirus, coronavirus and other microbes have shown that respiratory illnesses, including the new coronavirus, can spread by touching contaminated surfaces, particularly in places like day care centers, offices and hospitals. But a long chain of events has to happen for the disease to spread that way. The best way to protect yourself from coronavirus — whether it’s surface transmission or close human contact — is still social distancing, washing your hands, not touching your face and wearing masks.
A study by European scientists is the first to document a strong statistical link between genetic variations and Covid-19, the illness caused by the coronavirus. Having Type A blood was linked to a 50 percent increase in the likelihood that a patient would need to get oxygen or to go on a ventilator, according to the new study.A study by European scientists is the first to document a strong statistical link between genetic variations and Covid-19, the illness caused by the coronavirus. Having Type A blood was linked to a 50 percent increase in the likelihood that a patient would need to get oxygen or to go on a ventilator, according to the new study.
The unemployment rate fell to 13.3 percent in May, the Labor Department said on June 5, an unexpected improvement in the nation’s job market as hiring rebounded faster than economists expected. Economists had forecast the unemployment rate to increase to as much as 20 percent, after it hit 14.7 percent in April, which was the highest since the government began keeping official statistics after World War II. But the unemployment rate dipped instead, with employers adding 2.5 million jobs, after more than 20 million jobs were lost in April.The unemployment rate fell to 13.3 percent in May, the Labor Department said on June 5, an unexpected improvement in the nation’s job market as hiring rebounded faster than economists expected. Economists had forecast the unemployment rate to increase to as much as 20 percent, after it hit 14.7 percent in April, which was the highest since the government began keeping official statistics after World War II. But the unemployment rate dipped instead, with employers adding 2.5 million jobs, after more than 20 million jobs were lost in April.
Mass protests against police brutality that have brought thousands of people onto the streets in cities across America are raising the specter of new coronavirus outbreaks, prompting political leaders, physicians and public health experts to warn that the crowds could cause a surge in cases. While many political leaders affirmed the right of protesters to express themselves, they urged the demonstrators to wear face masks and maintain social distancing, both to protect themselves and to prevent further community spread of the virus. Some infectious disease experts were reassured by the fact that the protests were held outdoors, saying the open air settings could mitigate the risk of transmission.Mass protests against police brutality that have brought thousands of people onto the streets in cities across America are raising the specter of new coronavirus outbreaks, prompting political leaders, physicians and public health experts to warn that the crowds could cause a surge in cases. While many political leaders affirmed the right of protesters to express themselves, they urged the demonstrators to wear face masks and maintain social distancing, both to protect themselves and to prevent further community spread of the virus. Some infectious disease experts were reassured by the fact that the protests were held outdoors, saying the open air settings could mitigate the risk of transmission.
Exercise researchers and physicians have some blunt advice for those of us aiming to return to regular exercise now: Start slowly and then rev up your workouts, also slowly. American adults tended to be about 12 percent less active after the stay-at-home mandates began in March than they were in January. But there are steps you can take to ease your way back into regular exercise safely. First, “start at no more than 50 percent of the exercise you were doing before Covid,” says Dr. Monica Rho, the chief of musculoskeletal medicine at the Shirley Ryan AbilityLab in Chicago. Thread in some preparatory squats, too, she advises. “When you haven’t been exercising, you lose muscle mass.” Expect some muscle twinges after these preliminary, post-lockdown sessions, especially a day or two later. But sudden or increasing pain during exercise is a clarion call to stop and return home.Exercise researchers and physicians have some blunt advice for those of us aiming to return to regular exercise now: Start slowly and then rev up your workouts, also slowly. American adults tended to be about 12 percent less active after the stay-at-home mandates began in March than they were in January. But there are steps you can take to ease your way back into regular exercise safely. First, “start at no more than 50 percent of the exercise you were doing before Covid,” says Dr. Monica Rho, the chief of musculoskeletal medicine at the Shirley Ryan AbilityLab in Chicago. Thread in some preparatory squats, too, she advises. “When you haven’t been exercising, you lose muscle mass.” Expect some muscle twinges after these preliminary, post-lockdown sessions, especially a day or two later. But sudden or increasing pain during exercise is a clarion call to stop and return home.
States are reopening bit by bit. This means that more public spaces are available for use and more and more businesses are being allowed to open again. The federal government is largely leaving the decision up to states, and some state leaders are leaving the decision up to local authorities. Even if you aren’t being told to stay at home, it’s still a good idea to limit trips outside and your interaction with other people.States are reopening bit by bit. This means that more public spaces are available for use and more and more businesses are being allowed to open again. The federal government is largely leaving the decision up to states, and some state leaders are leaving the decision up to local authorities. Even if you aren’t being told to stay at home, it’s still a good idea to limit trips outside and your interaction with other people.
Common symptoms include fever, a dry cough, fatigue and difficulty breathing or shortness of breath. Some of these symptoms overlap with those of the flu, making detection difficult, but runny noses and stuffy sinuses are less common. The C.D.C. has also added chills, muscle pain, sore throat, headache and a new loss of the sense of taste or smell as symptoms to look out for. Most people fall ill five to seven days after exposure, but symptoms may appear in as few as two days or as many as 14 days.Common symptoms include fever, a dry cough, fatigue and difficulty breathing or shortness of breath. Some of these symptoms overlap with those of the flu, making detection difficult, but runny noses and stuffy sinuses are less common. The C.D.C. has also added chills, muscle pain, sore throat, headache and a new loss of the sense of taste or smell as symptoms to look out for. Most people fall ill five to seven days after exposure, but symptoms may appear in as few as two days or as many as 14 days.
If air travel is unavoidable, there are some steps you can take to protect yourself. Most important: Wash your hands often, and stop touching your face. If possible, choose a window seat. A study from Emory University found that during flu season, the safest place to sit on a plane is by a window, as people sitting in window seats had less contact with potentially sick people. Disinfect hard surfaces. When you get to your seat and your hands are clean, use disinfecting wipes to clean the hard surfaces at your seat like the head and arm rest, the seatbelt buckle, the remote, screen, seat back pocket and the tray table. If the seat is hard and nonporous or leather or pleather, you can wipe that down, too. (Using wipes on upholstered seats could lead to a wet seat and spreading of germs rather than killing them.)If air travel is unavoidable, there are some steps you can take to protect yourself. Most important: Wash your hands often, and stop touching your face. If possible, choose a window seat. A study from Emory University found that during flu season, the safest place to sit on a plane is by a window, as people sitting in window seats had less contact with potentially sick people. Disinfect hard surfaces. When you get to your seat and your hands are clean, use disinfecting wipes to clean the hard surfaces at your seat like the head and arm rest, the seatbelt buckle, the remote, screen, seat back pocket and the tray table. If the seat is hard and nonporous or leather or pleather, you can wipe that down, too. (Using wipes on upholstered seats could lead to a wet seat and spreading of germs rather than killing them.)
Taking one’s temperature to look for signs of fever is not as easy as it sounds, as “normal” temperature numbers can vary, but generally, keep an eye out for a temperature of 100.5 degrees Fahrenheit or higher. If you don’t have a thermometer (they can be pricey these days), there are other ways to figure out if you have a fever, or are at risk of Covid-19 complications.Taking one’s temperature to look for signs of fever is not as easy as it sounds, as “normal” temperature numbers can vary, but generally, keep an eye out for a temperature of 100.5 degrees Fahrenheit or higher. If you don’t have a thermometer (they can be pricey these days), there are other ways to figure out if you have a fever, or are at risk of Covid-19 complications.
The C.D.C. has recommended that all Americans wear cloth masks if they go out in public. This is a shift in federal guidance reflecting new concerns that the coronavirus is being spread by infected people who have no symptoms. Until now, the C.D.C., like the W.H.O., has advised that ordinary people don’t need to wear masks unless they are sick and coughing. Part of the reason was to preserve medical-grade masks for health care workers who desperately need them at a time when they are in continuously short supply. Masks don’t replace hand washing and social distancing.The C.D.C. has recommended that all Americans wear cloth masks if they go out in public. This is a shift in federal guidance reflecting new concerns that the coronavirus is being spread by infected people who have no symptoms. Until now, the C.D.C., like the W.H.O., has advised that ordinary people don’t need to wear masks unless they are sick and coughing. Part of the reason was to preserve medical-grade masks for health care workers who desperately need them at a time when they are in continuously short supply. Masks don’t replace hand washing and social distancing.
If you’ve been exposed to the coronavirus or think you have, and have a fever or symptoms like a cough or difficulty breathing, call a doctor. They should give you advice on whether you should be tested, how to get tested, and how to seek medical treatment without potentially infecting or exposing others.If you’ve been exposed to the coronavirus or think you have, and have a fever or symptoms like a cough or difficulty breathing, call a doctor. They should give you advice on whether you should be tested, how to get tested, and how to seek medical treatment without potentially infecting or exposing others.
If you’re sick and you think you’ve been exposed to the new coronavirus, the C.D.C. recommends that you call your healthcare provider and explain your symptoms and fears. They will decide if you need to be tested. Keep in mind that there’s a chance — because of a lack of testing kits or because you’re asymptomatic, for instance — you won’t be able to get tested.If you’re sick and you think you’ve been exposed to the new coronavirus, the C.D.C. recommends that you call your healthcare provider and explain your symptoms and fears. They will decide if you need to be tested. Keep in mind that there’s a chance — because of a lack of testing kits or because you’re asymptomatic, for instance — you won’t be able to get tested.
Of the changes we might be observing in our only children, Dr. Falbo said, “It’s not that they have some developmental problem — it’s that we’re imposing a new situation onto them.” My son’s anxiety, moodiness and regressions are a perfectly normal response to an exceptional time. I just need to keep an eye on his mental health and my own.Of the changes we might be observing in our only children, Dr. Falbo said, “It’s not that they have some developmental problem — it’s that we’re imposing a new situation onto them.” My son’s anxiety, moodiness and regressions are a perfectly normal response to an exceptional time. I just need to keep an eye on his mental health and my own.
There are signs of hope that let me know he’ll be OK. The other day I overheard my son while he was playing in a pillow fort with his favorite teddy bear, Lovey, who has been a real pal through all of this. “Lovey,” he said, “if you need anything, I’m here for you.”There are signs of hope that let me know he’ll be OK. The other day I overheard my son while he was playing in a pillow fort with his favorite teddy bear, Lovey, who has been a real pal through all of this. “Lovey,” he said, “if you need anything, I’m here for you.”
I stopped him and said, “Well, that’s a very caring thing to say to Lovey — where did you learn that?”I stopped him and said, “Well, that’s a very caring thing to say to Lovey — where did you learn that?”
“From you, Mommy!” he said with a big smile, diving back into the pillows.“From you, Mommy!” he said with a big smile, diving back into the pillows.
He knows I’m here for him. And, as Dr. Hirsh-Pasek pointed out, “Whether you’re an only child or you have tons of siblings around, knowing that there’s a hug waiting on the other end when everything else has been disrupted in your life is the single most important thing.”He knows I’m here for him. And, as Dr. Hirsh-Pasek pointed out, “Whether you’re an only child or you have tons of siblings around, knowing that there’s a hug waiting on the other end when everything else has been disrupted in your life is the single most important thing.”
Lucy Rimalower is a marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles, where she is raising her son to be a feminist.Lucy Rimalower is a marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles, where she is raising her son to be a feminist.