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Is Quarantine Worse for an Only Child? Is Quarantine Worse for an Only Child?
(about 1 hour later)
Watching my 3-year-old become a geography expert over the last few weeks has taken my mom guilt from an occasional pang to a chronic panic attack. While I’m thrilled he can tell me that Tegucigalpa is the capital of Honduras, his lonely excursion through geography apps concerns me. As a marriage and family therapist, I worry that social distancing might cause my only child to draw deeper into himself, maybe even trigger long-term anxiety or depression.Watching my 3-year-old become a geography expert over the last few weeks has taken my mom guilt from an occasional pang to a chronic panic attack. While I’m thrilled he can tell me that Tegucigalpa is the capital of Honduras, his lonely excursion through geography apps concerns me. As a marriage and family therapist, I worry that social distancing might cause my only child to draw deeper into himself, maybe even trigger long-term anxiety or depression.
Scientists have argued for decades over the benefits and disadvantages that singletons face compared to kids with siblings, like generally being more creative but less agreeable. As with most aspects of child development, having siblings is just one factor in how a child develops socially and emotionally. But it’s hard to hold onto this perspective when I’m on Day 28 of watching my child’s solitary drift between puzzles, apps and “Sesame Street,” while my husband and I alternate work and child care shifts.Scientists have argued for decades over the benefits and disadvantages that singletons face compared to kids with siblings, like generally being more creative but less agreeable. As with most aspects of child development, having siblings is just one factor in how a child develops socially and emotionally. But it’s hard to hold onto this perspective when I’m on Day 28 of watching my child’s solitary drift between puzzles, apps and “Sesame Street,” while my husband and I alternate work and child care shifts.
I’ve noticed some unsettling changes in his behavior. He’s more resistant to going outside for walks, which are usually his favorite activity. He’s grouchy, beyond what we’ve come to expect from a threenager. He doesn’t say he’s lonely, but he certainly seems isolated. Would a live-in playmate make a difference?I’ve noticed some unsettling changes in his behavior. He’s more resistant to going outside for walks, which are usually his favorite activity. He’s grouchy, beyond what we’ve come to expect from a threenager. He doesn’t say he’s lonely, but he certainly seems isolated. Would a live-in playmate make a difference?
“There’s no special problem or obstacle that only children have to overcome because of the pandemic,” said Toni Falbo, Ph.D., an educational psychology professor at the University of Texas at Austin who has studied only children for 40 years. “I think they will be like all of their peers who have siblings.” She said that age would be a bigger factor. “Younger children would probably be fine with more time with their parents. As you get into more school-age children, they do start to yearn for other children.”“There’s no special problem or obstacle that only children have to overcome because of the pandemic,” said Toni Falbo, Ph.D., an educational psychology professor at the University of Texas at Austin who has studied only children for 40 years. “I think they will be like all of their peers who have siblings.” She said that age would be a bigger factor. “Younger children would probably be fine with more time with their parents. As you get into more school-age children, they do start to yearn for other children.”
Kathy Hirsh-Pasek, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at Temple University, agreed but was concerned that only children are sometimes treated too much like little adults. “You can pop them in front of the television and almost forget that you’re watching the news on Covid or a press conference they shouldn’t be watching,” she said. “We need to be extra vigilant.”Kathy Hirsh-Pasek, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at Temple University, agreed but was concerned that only children are sometimes treated too much like little adults. “You can pop them in front of the television and almost forget that you’re watching the news on Covid or a press conference they shouldn’t be watching,” she said. “We need to be extra vigilant.”
Dr. Falbo also indicated the importance of monitoring media use, but more in terms of children’s vulnerability to their parents’ distress — particularly since only children are typically very close with their parents. This bond might be an advantage in quarantine. “On average, only children have very good relationships with their parents. So, if they’re sheltering in place with their parents, they’re probably having a pretty decent time interacting with them,” Dr. Falbo said.Dr. Falbo also indicated the importance of monitoring media use, but more in terms of children’s vulnerability to their parents’ distress — particularly since only children are typically very close with their parents. This bond might be an advantage in quarantine. “On average, only children have very good relationships with their parents. So, if they’re sheltering in place with their parents, they’re probably having a pretty decent time interacting with them,” Dr. Falbo said.
I love my relationship with my son, but I worry about the loss of peer relationships while social distancing. We started him in preschool right after he turned 2, eager for him to learn how to bite and get bitten, to hate sharing and then lay out snack cups. More importantly, in preschool he connected with other kids and was learning how to be a friend. While my husband and I have upped our game on Candy Land and glitter glue projects, we are not his peers. There are only so many poop jokes we’ll laugh at.I love my relationship with my son, but I worry about the loss of peer relationships while social distancing. We started him in preschool right after he turned 2, eager for him to learn how to bite and get bitten, to hate sharing and then lay out snack cups. More importantly, in preschool he connected with other kids and was learning how to be a friend. While my husband and I have upped our game on Candy Land and glitter glue projects, we are not his peers. There are only so many poop jokes we’ll laugh at.
Dr. Hirsh-Pasek, who co-wrote “A Mandate for Playful Learning in Preschool,” said I shouldn’t panic. “The thing they are missing is this navigation and negotiation with the social world. Is it important? Absolutely. Is it going to be damaging? Absolutely not.” She said it would take years for children to experience lasting damage from the current shelter-at-home practices. “They still live in a social world. That social world has us as a part of it. We are their guides and travel agents. I don’t see it as harming them,” she said.Dr. Hirsh-Pasek, who co-wrote “A Mandate for Playful Learning in Preschool,” said I shouldn’t panic. “The thing they are missing is this navigation and negotiation with the social world. Is it important? Absolutely. Is it going to be damaging? Absolutely not.” She said it would take years for children to experience lasting damage from the current shelter-at-home practices. “They still live in a social world. That social world has us as a part of it. We are their guides and travel agents. I don’t see it as harming them,” she said.
Dr. Falbo echoed this sentiment, “My hope is that once school opens, we’ll be able to get back to the kind of development we want for our kids.”Dr. Falbo echoed this sentiment, “My hope is that once school opens, we’ll be able to get back to the kind of development we want for our kids.”
Updated Aug. 8, 2020 Updated Aug. 10, 2020
The latest highlights as the first students return to U.S. schools.The latest highlights as the first students return to U.S. schools.
Both Dr. Falbo and Dr. Hirsh-Pasek heartily endorsed the use of video conferencing to fill the gap for only children. Dr. Hirsh-Pasek did a small experiment in 2014 that suggested toddlers can benefit from quality interactions on FaceTime and other video chats. The emotions on faces, the meaning of the communication and the timing of responses in on-screen connections promote language development in a way that a television show may not. It’s not clear whether teachers are as effective over video as they are in person.Both Dr. Falbo and Dr. Hirsh-Pasek heartily endorsed the use of video conferencing to fill the gap for only children. Dr. Hirsh-Pasek did a small experiment in 2014 that suggested toddlers can benefit from quality interactions on FaceTime and other video chats. The emotions on faces, the meaning of the communication and the timing of responses in on-screen connections promote language development in a way that a television show may not. It’s not clear whether teachers are as effective over video as they are in person.
Hirsh-Pasek urged parents to set up video conference playdates with friends to sing songs, share in scavenger hunts, and play games like Chutes and Ladders. While I’m not sure the chaotic Google Hangout with my son’s preschool class counts as quality, it is adorable to watch them try to talk to each other about their snacks and Elsa dolls.Hirsh-Pasek urged parents to set up video conference playdates with friends to sing songs, share in scavenger hunts, and play games like Chutes and Ladders. While I’m not sure the chaotic Google Hangout with my son’s preschool class counts as quality, it is adorable to watch them try to talk to each other about their snacks and Elsa dolls.
Meanwhile, when my son seems glum, I’ll remind myself that a bad mood is not the same as depression, which is characterized by not just pervasive irritability but also irregular sleep, loss of appetite and the inability to enjoy normally pleasurable activities. My son is still able to eat and sleep well, and he still gets excited about camping in our backyard, baking chocolate chip cookies and making a “feast” out of sticks and leaves.Meanwhile, when my son seems glum, I’ll remind myself that a bad mood is not the same as depression, which is characterized by not just pervasive irritability but also irregular sleep, loss of appetite and the inability to enjoy normally pleasurable activities. My son is still able to eat and sleep well, and he still gets excited about camping in our backyard, baking chocolate chip cookies and making a “feast” out of sticks and leaves.
Of the changes we might be observing in our only children, Dr. Falbo said, “It’s not that they have some developmental problem — it’s that we’re imposing a new situation onto them.” My son’s anxiety, moodiness and regressions are a perfectly normal response to an exceptional time. I just need to keep an eye on his mental health and my own.Of the changes we might be observing in our only children, Dr. Falbo said, “It’s not that they have some developmental problem — it’s that we’re imposing a new situation onto them.” My son’s anxiety, moodiness and regressions are a perfectly normal response to an exceptional time. I just need to keep an eye on his mental health and my own.
There are signs of hope that let me know he’ll be OK. The other day I overheard my son while he was playing in a pillow fort with his favorite teddy bear, Lovey, who has been a real pal through all of this. “Lovey,” he said, “if you need anything, I’m here for you.”There are signs of hope that let me know he’ll be OK. The other day I overheard my son while he was playing in a pillow fort with his favorite teddy bear, Lovey, who has been a real pal through all of this. “Lovey,” he said, “if you need anything, I’m here for you.”
I stopped him and said, “Well, that’s a very caring thing to say to Lovey — where did you learn that?”I stopped him and said, “Well, that’s a very caring thing to say to Lovey — where did you learn that?”
“From you, Mommy!” he said with a big smile, diving back into the pillows.“From you, Mommy!” he said with a big smile, diving back into the pillows.
He knows I’m here for him. And, as Dr. Hirsh-Pasek pointed out, “Whether you’re an only child or you have tons of siblings around, knowing that there’s a hug waiting on the other end when everything else has been disrupted in your life is the single most important thing.”He knows I’m here for him. And, as Dr. Hirsh-Pasek pointed out, “Whether you’re an only child or you have tons of siblings around, knowing that there’s a hug waiting on the other end when everything else has been disrupted in your life is the single most important thing.”
Lucy Rimalower is a marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles, where she is raising her son to be a feminist.Lucy Rimalower is a marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles, where she is raising her son to be a feminist.