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| Should I Bankroll My New, Socially Distant Girlfriend? | Should I Bankroll My New, Socially Distant Girlfriend? |
| (7 days later) | |
| I started seeing a woman three months ago. It was all progressing nicely until the virus hit. Now, we’re practicing social distancing and relegated to phone calls and texts. I’m lucky that I make a good living, and my salary has not been affected by the pandemic. But my girlfriend works in the service industry, and her income has been completely cut off. She was responsible about saving money, but she is starting to feel the squeeze and the stress. Should I offer her financial help, or is it too soon in our relationship for that? | I started seeing a woman three months ago. It was all progressing nicely until the virus hit. Now, we’re practicing social distancing and relegated to phone calls and texts. I’m lucky that I make a good living, and my salary has not been affected by the pandemic. But my girlfriend works in the service industry, and her income has been completely cut off. She was responsible about saving money, but she is starting to feel the squeeze and the stress. Should I offer her financial help, or is it too soon in our relationship for that? |
| E.B. | E.B. |
| I would never knock a generous impulse like yours. But let me float another idea for you to consider: Instead of swooping in to fix your girlfriend’s problems, offer a sympathetic ear first. She may rather talk to you about her troubles than cash your check. | I would never knock a generous impulse like yours. But let me float another idea for you to consider: Instead of swooping in to fix your girlfriend’s problems, offer a sympathetic ear first. She may rather talk to you about her troubles than cash your check. |
| This may not be easy for you. When we care about someone, it’s hard to watch them suffer, especially if an easy fix is available to us. But for your girlfriend, her anxiety about her predicament may loom larger than cash. And having a partner who is willing to listen and really engage with her may bring greater comfort. | This may not be easy for you. When we care about someone, it’s hard to watch them suffer, especially if an easy fix is available to us. But for your girlfriend, her anxiety about her predicament may loom larger than cash. And having a partner who is willing to listen and really engage with her may bring greater comfort. |
| Now, eventually, the two of you may decide that a loan (or a gift) is a great solution to her cash crunch. Or you may conclude that it would put an awkward strain on your young relationship. Just take it slowly and talk it through together. Either way, you’ll be building the foundation for a stronger relationship. | Now, eventually, the two of you may decide that a loan (or a gift) is a great solution to her cash crunch. Or you may conclude that it would put an awkward strain on your young relationship. Just take it slowly and talk it through together. Either way, you’ll be building the foundation for a stronger relationship. |
| I live on the West Coast, and my extended family lives on the East Coast. My grandmother organized a big Easter lunch on Zoom this year. The problem: I find large family gatherings aggravating in the best of times. But now, trapped indoors, I’m feeling claustrophobic and stressed enough without adding 30 triggering relatives to the equation. I just don’t have the energy for it. Usually, I can say it’s too far to travel. But that excuse is gone with video conferencing. How can I get out of this lunch (which, by the way, starts at 9 a.m. my time)? | I live on the West Coast, and my extended family lives on the East Coast. My grandmother organized a big Easter lunch on Zoom this year. The problem: I find large family gatherings aggravating in the best of times. But now, trapped indoors, I’m feeling claustrophobic and stressed enough without adding 30 triggering relatives to the equation. I just don’t have the energy for it. Usually, I can say it’s too far to travel. But that excuse is gone with video conferencing. How can I get out of this lunch (which, by the way, starts at 9 a.m. my time)? |
| Z. | Z. |
| I’m going to skip my usual advice, which would begin with a pretty bouquet to the people who’ve known us all our lives. I’m not even going to ask you to pop in on the video lunch for 10 minutes! I respect that you’re feeling tired and fragile now. (Many of us are right there with you.) | I’m going to skip my usual advice, which would begin with a pretty bouquet to the people who’ve known us all our lives. I’m not even going to ask you to pop in on the video lunch for 10 minutes! I respect that you’re feeling tired and fragile now. (Many of us are right there with you.) |
| Call your grandmother, so she doesn’t worry, and beg off the celebration. Say, “I hope you have a great time, but I can’t make it. Large video conferences overwhelm me.” If she presses, in her zeal to assemble the whole clan, be firm: “I love you. But I can’t do it.” | Call your grandmother, so she doesn’t worry, and beg off the celebration. Say, “I hope you have a great time, but I can’t make it. Large video conferences overwhelm me.” If she presses, in her zeal to assemble the whole clan, be firm: “I love you. But I can’t do it.” |
| Let me make one small pitch, though. (A leopard doesn’t change his spots overnight!) If you have individual relatives you feel close to, reach out to them during this time. You may find (or provide) unexpected comfort in your shared history. We all need to take care of ourselves now, while giving as much as we can safely manage. | Let me make one small pitch, though. (A leopard doesn’t change his spots overnight!) If you have individual relatives you feel close to, reach out to them during this time. You may find (or provide) unexpected comfort in your shared history. We all need to take care of ourselves now, while giving as much as we can safely manage. |
| Thanks to Covid-19, we must reschedule our daughter’s bat mitzvah that was set for early May. Invitations have already gone out, and we’ve received some R.S.V.P.’s and our daughter has gotten some checks in the mail. We decided not to do a Zoom event, but we haven’t finalized the new date yet. When we do, we’ll send out new invitations. But what should we do in the meantime about people who’ve already R.S.V.P.’d or sent checks? | Thanks to Covid-19, we must reschedule our daughter’s bat mitzvah that was set for early May. Invitations have already gone out, and we’ve received some R.S.V.P.’s and our daughter has gotten some checks in the mail. We decided not to do a Zoom event, but we haven’t finalized the new date yet. When we do, we’ll send out new invitations. But what should we do in the meantime about people who’ve already R.S.V.P.’d or sent checks? |
| Updated August 12, 2020 | |
| ANONYMOUS | ANONYMOUS |
| I’m sorry for your daughter — and for you, too. Have faith, though! Your proud moment (and your daughter’s super fun party) will come eventually. Still, I’d hold off on making new arrangements until we know more about the course of this virus. Better to avoid the double-whammy of having to cancel the same event twice. | I’m sorry for your daughter — and for you, too. Have faith, though! Your proud moment (and your daughter’s super fun party) will come eventually. Still, I’d hold off on making new arrangements until we know more about the course of this virus. Better to avoid the double-whammy of having to cancel the same event twice. |
| Email all invitees to notify them of the postponement. (They may be waiting to hear from you.) Tell them you’ll send new invitations when it’s safe to plan again. Then ask your daughter to send thank-you notes to those who gave checks. Offering to return them seems like a cruel formality to me. But she can do that, if you prefer. And give her lots of space to talk about her disappointment. She’s entitled to it! | Email all invitees to notify them of the postponement. (They may be waiting to hear from you.) Tell them you’ll send new invitations when it’s safe to plan again. Then ask your daughter to send thank-you notes to those who gave checks. Offering to return them seems like a cruel formality to me. But she can do that, if you prefer. And give her lots of space to talk about her disappointment. She’s entitled to it! |
| When my husband and I take occasional walks outdoors, he gets aggravated and snappish with oncoming pedestrians who don’t move as far as possible to their side of the sidewalk, as we do, to maintain a safe social distance. Any advice? | When my husband and I take occasional walks outdoors, he gets aggravated and snappish with oncoming pedestrians who don’t move as far as possible to their side of the sidewalk, as we do, to maintain a safe social distance. Any advice? |
| HELEN | HELEN |
| You and your husband should fall into single file, move as far as possible from the thoughtless (or preoccupied) pedestrians and wait until they pass. If you can manage a friendly-sounding, “Which side do you like?” go for it. But now is no time for road rage. Nasty remarks rarely bring the pleasure we expect them to. Be safe! | You and your husband should fall into single file, move as far as possible from the thoughtless (or preoccupied) pedestrians and wait until they pass. If you can manage a friendly-sounding, “Which side do you like?” go for it. But now is no time for road rage. Nasty remarks rarely bring the pleasure we expect them to. Be safe! |
| For help with your awkward situation, send a question to SocialQ@nytimes.com, to Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on Twitter. | For help with your awkward situation, send a question to SocialQ@nytimes.com, to Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on Twitter. |