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| This Togetherness Is Temporary | This Togetherness Is Temporary |
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| Get this: A couple of months ago, I quit my job in order to be home more. | Get this: A couple of months ago, I quit my job in order to be home more. |
| Go ahead and laugh at the timing. I know. | Go ahead and laugh at the timing. I know. |
| At the time, it was hitting me that my daughter starts high school in the fall, and my son will be a senior. Increasingly they were spending their time away from me at school, with friends, and in the many time-intensive activities that make up teenage lives. I could feel the clock ticking, and I wanted to spend the minutes I could — the minutes they were willing to give me, anyway — with them, instead of sitting in front of a computer at night and on weekends in order to juggle a job as a bookseller, a part-time gig as a television host, and a book deadline. I wanted more of them while they were still living in my house. | At the time, it was hitting me that my daughter starts high school in the fall, and my son will be a senior. Increasingly they were spending their time away from me at school, with friends, and in the many time-intensive activities that make up teenage lives. I could feel the clock ticking, and I wanted to spend the minutes I could — the minutes they were willing to give me, anyway — with them, instead of sitting in front of a computer at night and on weekends in order to juggle a job as a bookseller, a part-time gig as a television host, and a book deadline. I wanted more of them while they were still living in my house. |
| Now here we are, all together, every day. You’re supposed to be careful what you wish for, but come on. None of us saw this coming. | Now here we are, all together, every day. You’re supposed to be careful what you wish for, but come on. None of us saw this coming. |
| This morning, I put breakfast on the kitchen table, placing plates of scrambled eggs on the same knotty pine slab that once supported piles of freshly folded baby laundry. Soon, my family members will disperse to the corners of the house we’ve claimed as work spaces: a laundry room “office” where my husband will hold conference calls; my actual home office, where I’ll do my best to somehow focus on writing; and two rigged up “classroom” corners, one for each child to log into virtual classes. We will accidentally overhear (or intentionally eavesdrop upon) one another’s FaceTime calls, take circuitous routes to the bathroom in order not to crash one another’s Zoom meetings, then reconvene in the kitchen in a matter of hours, as if we’ve all just returned home from our normal daytime lives. | This morning, I put breakfast on the kitchen table, placing plates of scrambled eggs on the same knotty pine slab that once supported piles of freshly folded baby laundry. Soon, my family members will disperse to the corners of the house we’ve claimed as work spaces: a laundry room “office” where my husband will hold conference calls; my actual home office, where I’ll do my best to somehow focus on writing; and two rigged up “classroom” corners, one for each child to log into virtual classes. We will accidentally overhear (or intentionally eavesdrop upon) one another’s FaceTime calls, take circuitous routes to the bathroom in order not to crash one another’s Zoom meetings, then reconvene in the kitchen in a matter of hours, as if we’ve all just returned home from our normal daytime lives. |
| What’s getting us through the days: Walking the dogs outside in the afternoon. Screening old seasons of The Office at night. Baking whatever we’re in the mood for and can make from what’s in the pantry. Still, we bicker and snap (“Why is there peanut butter on my phone charger?”) as we chafe under the constraints, unable to take a break from each other and see anyone else. | What’s getting us through the days: Walking the dogs outside in the afternoon. Screening old seasons of The Office at night. Baking whatever we’re in the mood for and can make from what’s in the pantry. Still, we bicker and snap (“Why is there peanut butter on my phone charger?”) as we chafe under the constraints, unable to take a break from each other and see anyone else. |
| This isn’t exactly what I had in mind when I pictured “being home more.” To be fair, I didn’t quite know what to expect the first time I quit a job to stay home, either. Seventeen years ago, I stepped away from my full-time job at a nonprofit to take care of my firstborn and write freelance for a few years. I wasn’t taking some kind of principled stand. I just knew, in my gut, that my focus was shifting, and I needed to follow that focus for a while. I wanted to be home, and I loved it — at least some of the time. What I hadn’t anticipated was that the homebound repetition of feeding, washing and napping would sometimes make me feel smothered, held captive. | This isn’t exactly what I had in mind when I pictured “being home more.” To be fair, I didn’t quite know what to expect the first time I quit a job to stay home, either. Seventeen years ago, I stepped away from my full-time job at a nonprofit to take care of my firstborn and write freelance for a few years. I wasn’t taking some kind of principled stand. I just knew, in my gut, that my focus was shifting, and I needed to follow that focus for a while. I wanted to be home, and I loved it — at least some of the time. What I hadn’t anticipated was that the homebound repetition of feeding, washing and napping would sometimes make me feel smothered, held captive. |
| I have a tendency, when I feel trapped, to sense a false permanence. I don’t think, This is my life right now. I think, This is my life forever. I panic. I forget, although I’ve learned it countless times, that every stage of life changes, then ends. | I have a tendency, when I feel trapped, to sense a false permanence. I don’t think, This is my life right now. I think, This is my life forever. I panic. I forget, although I’ve learned it countless times, that every stage of life changes, then ends. |
| If I could go back and tell my young-parent self one thing, I wouldn’t whip out that cliché about how the days may pass slowly, but the years go by fast, even though it’s true. I wouldn’t say, “Just enjoy it!” I did enjoy mothering babies often enough, but also, some things aren’t enjoyable. You don’t have to feel joy while scraping mashed peas out of the cracks of a high chair. What I’d tell my young self is this: Sometimes time moves quickly, and sometimes it moves slowly, but it always moves forward. This is not your life forever. | If I could go back and tell my young-parent self one thing, I wouldn’t whip out that cliché about how the days may pass slowly, but the years go by fast, even though it’s true. I wouldn’t say, “Just enjoy it!” I did enjoy mothering babies often enough, but also, some things aren’t enjoyable. You don’t have to feel joy while scraping mashed peas out of the cracks of a high chair. What I’d tell my young self is this: Sometimes time moves quickly, and sometimes it moves slowly, but it always moves forward. This is not your life forever. |
| Back then, I dreamed of going to work in an office building again, wearing clean clothes. It burned me up when I took my kids to checkups and the nurses called me “Mom.” I’m not your mom, I’d think. I’m not everyone’s mom just because I’m their mom. | Back then, I dreamed of going to work in an office building again, wearing clean clothes. It burned me up when I took my kids to checkups and the nurses called me “Mom.” I’m not your mom, I’d think. I’m not everyone’s mom just because I’m their mom. |
| Over the past year or so, as my time with children living in my house has begun to dwindle, I’ve been changing my tune. Last month, I took my son and daughter to the dentist, and when the technician came out to the waiting room and said, ‘Mom?’ I stood up and raised both hands, “Yes! That’s me! I AM MOM.” I want to mother them all I can, while I can. As the coronavirus spreads and claims more lives, this protective instinct has only heightened. I don’t think I’ve ever loved anyone with the fierceness I love these people right now. | Over the past year or so, as my time with children living in my house has begun to dwindle, I’ve been changing my tune. Last month, I took my son and daughter to the dentist, and when the technician came out to the waiting room and said, ‘Mom?’ I stood up and raised both hands, “Yes! That’s me! I AM MOM.” I want to mother them all I can, while I can. As the coronavirus spreads and claims more lives, this protective instinct has only heightened. I don’t think I’ve ever loved anyone with the fierceness I love these people right now. |
| Back when my kids were babies, I couldn’t have anticipated how much I’d like having teenagers. When I saw older kids skateboarding down the street, I used to think, “I’m so glad I have these and not those.” Adolescents seemed so big, greasy and loud. Who wouldn’t prefer a sweet little bundle of baby? | Back when my kids were babies, I couldn’t have anticipated how much I’d like having teenagers. When I saw older kids skateboarding down the street, I used to think, “I’m so glad I have these and not those.” Adolescents seemed so big, greasy and loud. Who wouldn’t prefer a sweet little bundle of baby? |
| Let me tell you something, parents of babies. You know how that rush of affection for infants feels like a drug, how you sniff their heads and say things like “I could eat you up”? Loving teenagers is not so much like taking drugs as it is a constant need to be sure that they are not taking drugs, and they don’t like it when you sniff them, but loving a teenager is just as emotionally intoxicating as loving a baby. Maybe even more. | Let me tell you something, parents of babies. You know how that rush of affection for infants feels like a drug, how you sniff their heads and say things like “I could eat you up”? Loving teenagers is not so much like taking drugs as it is a constant need to be sure that they are not taking drugs, and they don’t like it when you sniff them, but loving a teenager is just as emotionally intoxicating as loving a baby. Maybe even more. |
| Plus, it’s fun. Really. Sure, toddlers may say hilarious things like, “When I grow up, I want to be spaghetti,” but my 14-year-old daughter and I just had a long talk about how much we both love depressing movies. You can’t have Sad Movie Club with a baby. | Plus, it’s fun. Really. Sure, toddlers may say hilarious things like, “When I grow up, I want to be spaghetti,” but my 14-year-old daughter and I just had a long talk about how much we both love depressing movies. You can’t have Sad Movie Club with a baby. |
| I used to think babyhood was the neediest stage of life, but teenagers need their parents too. They’re a bit like trauma victims, fresh off the car crash of puberty. They look like they’re functioning normally; but their brains are in a state of continual change and occasional malfunction. What better time to have a clear-thinking adult around? | I used to think babyhood was the neediest stage of life, but teenagers need their parents too. They’re a bit like trauma victims, fresh off the car crash of puberty. They look like they’re functioning normally; but their brains are in a state of continual change and occasional malfunction. What better time to have a clear-thinking adult around? |
| Updated June 16, 2020 | Updated June 16, 2020 |
| The steroid, dexamethasone, is the first treatment shown to reduce mortality in severely ill patients, according to scientists in Britain. The drug appears to reduce inflammation caused by the immune system, protecting the tissues. In the study, dexamethasone reduced deaths of patients on ventilators by one-third, and deaths of patients on oxygen by one-fifth. | |
| The coronavirus emergency relief package gives many American workers paid leave if they need to take time off because of the virus. It gives qualified workers two weeks of paid sick leave if they are ill, quarantined or seeking diagnosis or preventive care for coronavirus, or if they are caring for sick family members. It gives 12 weeks of paid leave to people caring for children whose schools are closed or whose child care provider is unavailable because of the coronavirus. It is the first time the United States has had widespread federally mandated paid leave, and includes people who don’t typically get such benefits, like part-time and gig economy workers. But the measure excludes at least half of private-sector workers, including those at the country’s largest employers, and gives small employers significant leeway to deny leave. | The coronavirus emergency relief package gives many American workers paid leave if they need to take time off because of the virus. It gives qualified workers two weeks of paid sick leave if they are ill, quarantined or seeking diagnosis or preventive care for coronavirus, or if they are caring for sick family members. It gives 12 weeks of paid leave to people caring for children whose schools are closed or whose child care provider is unavailable because of the coronavirus. It is the first time the United States has had widespread federally mandated paid leave, and includes people who don’t typically get such benefits, like part-time and gig economy workers. But the measure excludes at least half of private-sector workers, including those at the country’s largest employers, and gives small employers significant leeway to deny leave. |
| So far, the evidence seems to show it does. A widely cited paper published in April suggests that people are most infectious about two days before the onset of coronavirus symptoms and estimated that 44 percent of new infections were a result of transmission from people who were not yet showing symptoms. Recently, a top expert at the World Health Organization stated that transmission of the coronavirus by people who did not have symptoms was “very rare,” but she later walked back that statement. | So far, the evidence seems to show it does. A widely cited paper published in April suggests that people are most infectious about two days before the onset of coronavirus symptoms and estimated that 44 percent of new infections were a result of transmission from people who were not yet showing symptoms. Recently, a top expert at the World Health Organization stated that transmission of the coronavirus by people who did not have symptoms was “very rare,” but she later walked back that statement. |
| Touching contaminated objects and then infecting ourselves with the germs is not typically how the virus spreads. But it can happen. A number of studies of flu, rhinovirus, coronavirus and other microbes have shown that respiratory illnesses, including the new coronavirus, can spread by touching contaminated surfaces, particularly in places like day care centers, offices and hospitals. But a long chain of events has to happen for the disease to spread that way. The best way to protect yourself from coronavirus — whether it’s surface transmission or close human contact — is still social distancing, washing your hands, not touching your face and wearing masks. | Touching contaminated objects and then infecting ourselves with the germs is not typically how the virus spreads. But it can happen. A number of studies of flu, rhinovirus, coronavirus and other microbes have shown that respiratory illnesses, including the new coronavirus, can spread by touching contaminated surfaces, particularly in places like day care centers, offices and hospitals. But a long chain of events has to happen for the disease to spread that way. The best way to protect yourself from coronavirus — whether it’s surface transmission or close human contact — is still social distancing, washing your hands, not touching your face and wearing masks. |
| A study by European scientists is the first to document a strong statistical link between genetic variations and Covid-19, the illness caused by the coronavirus. Having Type A blood was linked to a 50 percent increase in the likelihood that a patient would need to get oxygen or to go on a ventilator, according to the new study. | A study by European scientists is the first to document a strong statistical link between genetic variations and Covid-19, the illness caused by the coronavirus. Having Type A blood was linked to a 50 percent increase in the likelihood that a patient would need to get oxygen or to go on a ventilator, according to the new study. |
| The unemployment rate fell to 13.3 percent in May, the Labor Department said on June 5, an unexpected improvement in the nation’s job market as hiring rebounded faster than economists expected. Economists had forecast the unemployment rate to increase to as much as 20 percent, after it hit 14.7 percent in April, which was the highest since the government began keeping official statistics after World War II. But the unemployment rate dipped instead, with employers adding 2.5 million jobs, after more than 20 million jobs were lost in April. | The unemployment rate fell to 13.3 percent in May, the Labor Department said on June 5, an unexpected improvement in the nation’s job market as hiring rebounded faster than economists expected. Economists had forecast the unemployment rate to increase to as much as 20 percent, after it hit 14.7 percent in April, which was the highest since the government began keeping official statistics after World War II. But the unemployment rate dipped instead, with employers adding 2.5 million jobs, after more than 20 million jobs were lost in April. |
| Mass protests against police brutality that have brought thousands of people onto the streets in cities across America are raising the specter of new coronavirus outbreaks, prompting political leaders, physicians and public health experts to warn that the crowds could cause a surge in cases. While many political leaders affirmed the right of protesters to express themselves, they urged the demonstrators to wear face masks and maintain social distancing, both to protect themselves and to prevent further community spread of the virus. Some infectious disease experts were reassured by the fact that the protests were held outdoors, saying the open air settings could mitigate the risk of transmission. | Mass protests against police brutality that have brought thousands of people onto the streets in cities across America are raising the specter of new coronavirus outbreaks, prompting political leaders, physicians and public health experts to warn that the crowds could cause a surge in cases. While many political leaders affirmed the right of protesters to express themselves, they urged the demonstrators to wear face masks and maintain social distancing, both to protect themselves and to prevent further community spread of the virus. Some infectious disease experts were reassured by the fact that the protests were held outdoors, saying the open air settings could mitigate the risk of transmission. |
| States are reopening bit by bit. This means that more public spaces are available for use and more and more businesses are being allowed to open again. The federal government is largely leaving the decision up to states, and some state leaders are leaving the decision up to local authorities. Even if you aren’t being told to stay at home, it’s still a good idea to limit trips outside and your interaction with other people. | States are reopening bit by bit. This means that more public spaces are available for use and more and more businesses are being allowed to open again. The federal government is largely leaving the decision up to states, and some state leaders are leaving the decision up to local authorities. Even if you aren’t being told to stay at home, it’s still a good idea to limit trips outside and your interaction with other people. |
| Common symptoms include fever, a dry cough, fatigue and difficulty breathing or shortness of breath. Some of these symptoms overlap with those of the flu, making detection difficult, but runny noses and stuffy sinuses are less common. The C.D.C. has also added chills, muscle pain, sore throat, headache and a new loss of the sense of taste or smell as symptoms to look out for. Most people fall ill five to seven days after exposure, but symptoms may appear in as few as two days or as many as 14 days. | Common symptoms include fever, a dry cough, fatigue and difficulty breathing or shortness of breath. Some of these symptoms overlap with those of the flu, making detection difficult, but runny noses and stuffy sinuses are less common. The C.D.C. has also added chills, muscle pain, sore throat, headache and a new loss of the sense of taste or smell as symptoms to look out for. Most people fall ill five to seven days after exposure, but symptoms may appear in as few as two days or as many as 14 days. |
| If air travel is unavoidable, there are some steps you can take to protect yourself. Most important: Wash your hands often, and stop touching your face. If possible, choose a window seat. A study from Emory University found that during flu season, the safest place to sit on a plane is by a window, as people sitting in window seats had less contact with potentially sick people. Disinfect hard surfaces. When you get to your seat and your hands are clean, use disinfecting wipes to clean the hard surfaces at your seat like the head and arm rest, the seatbelt buckle, the remote, screen, seat back pocket and the tray table. If the seat is hard and nonporous or leather or pleather, you can wipe that down, too. (Using wipes on upholstered seats could lead to a wet seat and spreading of germs rather than killing them.) | If air travel is unavoidable, there are some steps you can take to protect yourself. Most important: Wash your hands often, and stop touching your face. If possible, choose a window seat. A study from Emory University found that during flu season, the safest place to sit on a plane is by a window, as people sitting in window seats had less contact with potentially sick people. Disinfect hard surfaces. When you get to your seat and your hands are clean, use disinfecting wipes to clean the hard surfaces at your seat like the head and arm rest, the seatbelt buckle, the remote, screen, seat back pocket and the tray table. If the seat is hard and nonporous or leather or pleather, you can wipe that down, too. (Using wipes on upholstered seats could lead to a wet seat and spreading of germs rather than killing them.) |
| Taking one’s temperature to look for signs of fever is not as easy as it sounds, as “normal” temperature numbers can vary, but generally, keep an eye out for a temperature of 100.5 degrees Fahrenheit or higher. If you don’t have a thermometer (they can be pricey these days), there are other ways to figure out if you have a fever, or are at risk of Covid-19 complications. | Taking one’s temperature to look for signs of fever is not as easy as it sounds, as “normal” temperature numbers can vary, but generally, keep an eye out for a temperature of 100.5 degrees Fahrenheit or higher. If you don’t have a thermometer (they can be pricey these days), there are other ways to figure out if you have a fever, or are at risk of Covid-19 complications. |
| The C.D.C. has recommended that all Americans wear cloth masks if they go out in public. This is a shift in federal guidance reflecting new concerns that the coronavirus is being spread by infected people who have no symptoms. Until now, the C.D.C., like the W.H.O., has advised that ordinary people don’t need to wear masks unless they are sick and coughing. Part of the reason was to preserve medical-grade masks for health care workers who desperately need them at a time when they are in continuously short supply. Masks don’t replace hand washing and social distancing. | The C.D.C. has recommended that all Americans wear cloth masks if they go out in public. This is a shift in federal guidance reflecting new concerns that the coronavirus is being spread by infected people who have no symptoms. Until now, the C.D.C., like the W.H.O., has advised that ordinary people don’t need to wear masks unless they are sick and coughing. Part of the reason was to preserve medical-grade masks for health care workers who desperately need them at a time when they are in continuously short supply. Masks don’t replace hand washing and social distancing. |
| If you’ve been exposed to the coronavirus or think you have, and have a fever or symptoms like a cough or difficulty breathing, call a doctor. They should give you advice on whether you should be tested, how to get tested, and how to seek medical treatment without potentially infecting or exposing others. | If you’ve been exposed to the coronavirus or think you have, and have a fever or symptoms like a cough or difficulty breathing, call a doctor. They should give you advice on whether you should be tested, how to get tested, and how to seek medical treatment without potentially infecting or exposing others. |
| If you’re sick and you think you’ve been exposed to the new coronavirus, the C.D.C. recommends that you call your healthcare provider and explain your symptoms and fears. They will decide if you need to be tested. Keep in mind that there’s a chance — because of a lack of testing kits or because you’re asymptomatic, for instance — you won’t be able to get tested. | If you’re sick and you think you’ve been exposed to the new coronavirus, the C.D.C. recommends that you call your healthcare provider and explain your symptoms and fears. They will decide if you need to be tested. Keep in mind that there’s a chance — because of a lack of testing kits or because you’re asymptomatic, for instance — you won’t be able to get tested. |
| A baby needs a snuggle, some eye contact, a song. A teenager needs a trusted adult to talk things out with when they or a friend gets into a scary situation. A baby needs clean, soft onesies. A teenager needs driving lessons. A baby needs to be fed at 1 a.m. A teenager who sneaks up the stairs at that hour needs to be greeted with a mix of love, relief and stern clarity on the point that, no sir, you absolutely will not come traipsing in here past curfew again. That’s assuming we’re allowed to leave our homes again at some point … and that we survive this. Statistically, we’re likely to be OK, but in the wee hours, my imagination serves up every different possibility. Parental sleep deprivation comes in waves, apparently. | A baby needs a snuggle, some eye contact, a song. A teenager needs a trusted adult to talk things out with when they or a friend gets into a scary situation. A baby needs clean, soft onesies. A teenager needs driving lessons. A baby needs to be fed at 1 a.m. A teenager who sneaks up the stairs at that hour needs to be greeted with a mix of love, relief and stern clarity on the point that, no sir, you absolutely will not come traipsing in here past curfew again. That’s assuming we’re allowed to leave our homes again at some point … and that we survive this. Statistically, we’re likely to be OK, but in the wee hours, my imagination serves up every different possibility. Parental sleep deprivation comes in waves, apparently. |
| It’s emotional whiplash to go from wishing for a few more hours a week with the kids to being holed up in the house together ’round the clock. I feel guilty about loving lunchtime on weekdays with them, a little joy I didn’t think I’d ever get back. I’m so sorry they’re missing school and prom and graduations and sports and everything else. I will never forget this chapter in our lives. I hate the reason for it. All these things are true. | It’s emotional whiplash to go from wishing for a few more hours a week with the kids to being holed up in the house together ’round the clock. I feel guilty about loving lunchtime on weekdays with them, a little joy I didn’t think I’d ever get back. I’m so sorry they’re missing school and prom and graduations and sports and everything else. I will never forget this chapter in our lives. I hate the reason for it. All these things are true. |
| For now, I will let myself feel gratitude for this time with them. I won’t tell myself I have to enjoy every minute, because I know I won’t. And when the panic rises, I’ll remind myself: This isn’t forever. It never was. | For now, I will let myself feel gratitude for this time with them. I won’t tell myself I have to enjoy every minute, because I know I won’t. And when the panic rises, I’ll remind myself: This isn’t forever. It never was. |
| Mary Laura Philpott is the author of “I Miss You When I Blink.” | Mary Laura Philpott is the author of “I Miss You When I Blink.” |