For many women, Christmas is just hard work. Here’s how to ring the changes

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2019/dec/22/women-christmas-hard-work

Version 0 of 1.

I spoke candidly with more than 500 women and found that there’s often nothing fair about the festive season, says author Eve Rodsky

It was two weeks before Christmas last year and my friend Julie called me in a panic. “I’m on deadline at work, my mum is sick, it’s days before the kids finish school and my in-laws arrive, and now this,” she said with an edge of hysteria. “My little boy’s Secret Santa project has to be homemade and turned in by Friday!”

Julie’s exhausted expression of the inverse of holiday cheer sounded strikingly familiar to the lament I’d heard from countless women: how am I going to get it all done before Christmas Day? Julie took a deep breath and concluded, “I’m screwed.”

In my day job, I’m a Harvard-trained lawyer and mediator, but like so many women who do two-thirds or more of the household tasks – whether we work outside the home or not – I just did it all. When I finally hit my breaking point eight years ago, I embarked on a quest to make visible all the invisible, unacknowledged, unappreciated and largely unpaid labour women do in service to their families. I spoke candidly with more than 500 women and men, including childless couples, working and stay-at-home parents, co-parents, blended families and same-sex families, and along the way I became well-versed in this “special” time of year when women take on more than their fair share of the domestic workload in an annual effort to keep the magic alive.

On top of everything else working women already do on any given day, now add shopping for, buying and wrapping presents (and sending them on time); addressing cards (and sending them on time); planning meals, attending parties, stuffing stockings, decorating the tree … and on and on it goes.

All of this time-consuming, behind-the-scenes activity can make the season especially fraught, particularly for women who buy into the culturally popular (but maddening) messaging that asserts: this is a “me” job. I’m a better multi-tasker, so I’ll just do it. If I don’t do it, no one will.

A study by Harvard researchers published this year in the American Sociological Review found that women reported doing more “cognitive labour” at home than their spouses did – anticipating needs (our son has a Secret Santa project due by the end of the week), identifying options for filling them (is the craft shop open today?), making decisions (what should we make?), and monitoring progress (will it be finished on time?). Strikingly, all couples in the Harvard study were highly educated, yet women still reported doing significantly more thinking about household management than their husbands.

Many women I interviewed for my book, Fair Play, voiced a nervousness about having conversations with their partners over explicitly defined roles and expectations. But my interviews with husbands, partners and fathers revealed that when presented with these new conversations, they step up consistently and sustainably. Even more, the men who reported feeling the most confident and invested in their partner and parenting roles were those who felt empowered to take the lead and to completely “own” the jobs they do take on.

So, in the spirit of having a fair play Christmas, I recommend pouring a glass of wine, sitting down with your partner and making intentional choices about how you want to spend the holiday together as a couple, or as a family.

First, customise your deck. Based on my interviews with hundreds of couples, I’ve identified many seasonal “task cards” that can come into play at this time of year. Thoughtfully consider which cards you and your partner want to play so that the holidays don’t play you. The tasks that you agree are important may include: childcare (finding babysitters for adult-only parties and shopping); home goods (decorations, the Christmas tree, stringing lights on your roof); hosting; memories and photos; storage, garage and seasonal items (locating the ornaments, the tree stand and the box of lights, the menorah or kinara and candles); travel, packing and unpacking; parents and in-laws; gifts; thank you notes; charity and good deeds; and so on. When you stop and write it down, the list can seem exhausting. And depending on your lifestyle and beliefs, yours may stretch even longer. But this visibility has value.

Next, take an honest inventory of what you and your family most care about. What is important to you? Why are you doing what you do? External expectations? Family pressure? Or are you consciously choosing how you spend your time? If staying up past midnight to knit your children’s names on to their stockings doesn’t bring you joy, put down the needle and walk away. This Christmas, ditch the peer pressure and societal expectations and give yourself permission to do less.

Once you and your partner have an honest discussion and determine which tasks and traditions are worth the effort, deal the cards. What cards will each of you hold and what does this responsibility entail from start to finish?

This is where you must get granular or you run the risk of doubling up on efforts or unintentionally dropping the ball. As an example: Christmas dinner. Who is planning it? You can both provide input, but only one person takes the lead. Agree on the menu based on preferences, dietary restrictions and budget. Establish a measurement of accountability. (All items, for example, must be purchased or ordered by a specific date.) Then do the same with all the other cards in your deck.

All of this may seem time-consuming, or pointless, or silly, but laying the groundwork and fairly sharing the load could improve your Christmas – and your relationship. Women report a significantly higher perception of domestic fairness when relieved of the cognitive labour, and many studies have found that the perception of fairness is a stronger predictor of a healthy marriage than the actual division of domestic work.

This year, in the spirit of creating meaningful connections and relationship building, invite your partner to be a true collaborator in the tasks and traditions that you mutually agree hold value and bring joy to your family.

• Eve Rodsky is the author of Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do (and More Life to Live)