May I have a word about… the ‘bastard corner’

https://www.theguardian.com/theobserver/commentisfree/2019/oct/06/may-i-have-a-word-about-bastard-corner

Version 0 of 1.

As you know, I’m always delighted when a new phrase heaves into view. And last week up popped an absolute belter. In the course of refettling our stairs and landings, it was out with carpets and in with wooden treads and boards.

The agent of change turned up at the appointed hour and set off with a will and a good deal of enthusiasm. During the course of the day, the vim was replaced by noticeable harrumphing and definite signs of exasperation. Being a good customer, I naturally asked for the cause of his exasperation.

“I’ve reached the bastard corner.” “Eh?” “What, you’ve never heard that phrase before?” “No, what does it mean?” “It means that there is always one place in a period house where all the walls and floors go at completely stupid angles and the bloody wood won’t go in properly.”

“Well, what are you going to do?” “Hammer the bloody stuff in, that’s what.” And he did. Very loudly. And very nice the result is too. I’m now trying to work out how I can inveigle the phrase into our glorious leader’s future Brexit negotiation speeches and ensure that “bastard corner” receives the wider circulation it deserves. It also seems to represent rather nicely his present situation.

Less welcome, but in no way surprising, has been a torrent of “podiuming” and “medalling” in the coverage of the ill-starred World Athletics Championships in Doha. Thank heavens then for the Rugby World Cup in Japan. A haven of good sport and comment, you would think. But no. Before England’s game against Tonga, former England scrum half Matt Dawson predicted 60 points in our favour and wanted England “to nil” Tonga. Straight red card offence, Matt, so go and stand in the bastard corner this minute.