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| How to Succeed When You’re Marginalized or Discriminated Against at Work | |
| (about 16 hours later) | |
| I’ve been writing about productivity and how to work smarter for the better part of a decade. To me, productivity isn’t just about getting things done — it’s about spending less time on the things you have to do so you can spend more time on the things you want to do. | I’ve been writing about productivity and how to work smarter for the better part of a decade. To me, productivity isn’t just about getting things done — it’s about spending less time on the things you have to do so you can spend more time on the things you want to do. |
| But it was running headlong into someone who held me and my expertise in such low regard — for no other reason than his preconceptions about who I was — that forced me to reckon with the notion that so much popular productivity advice, including some that I’ve dispensed, is accessible only to people who have the option to use it in the first place. | But it was running headlong into someone who held me and my expertise in such low regard — for no other reason than his preconceptions about who I was — that forced me to reckon with the notion that so much popular productivity advice, including some that I’ve dispensed, is accessible only to people who have the option to use it in the first place. |
| An example: At a previous job, my new boss (he was new, I had been there for years) had been on the job for about two weeks before I met him. In that time, I learned, he had set up meetings with all of my peers to introduce himself. I didn’t get invited to any of those meetings. | An example: At a previous job, my new boss (he was new, I had been there for years) had been on the job for about two weeks before I met him. In that time, I learned, he had set up meetings with all of my peers to introduce himself. I didn’t get invited to any of those meetings. |
| It was at a conference, where my colleagues and I each gave a presentation on the teams we led, that I finally walked up to him to introduce myself. Before he gave me his attention, however, he went out of his way to speak to everyone else who passed his view. Politely watching this for about 15 minutes, I knew something was wrong. Eventually my opening came, we spoke for a few seconds, and he was off. That wasn’t the only red flag, but it was the first. I spoke to him once more in passing, and then a third time — until I left the company. | It was at a conference, where my colleagues and I each gave a presentation on the teams we led, that I finally walked up to him to introduce myself. Before he gave me his attention, however, he went out of his way to speak to everyone else who passed his view. Politely watching this for about 15 minutes, I knew something was wrong. Eventually my opening came, we spoke for a few seconds, and he was off. That wasn’t the only red flag, but it was the first. I spoke to him once more in passing, and then a third time — until I left the company. |
| Let’s be real: There’s no use in telling managers that you need help prioritizing your work if they’re convinced “you people” are lazy. Me writing an article that suggests you “spend time growing your skills at work” isn’t helpful if you’re saddled with busywork because everyone assumes you’re the “office mom.” | Let’s be real: There’s no use in telling managers that you need help prioritizing your work if they’re convinced “you people” are lazy. Me writing an article that suggests you “spend time growing your skills at work” isn’t helpful if you’re saddled with busywork because everyone assumes you’re the “office mom.” |
| Ultimately, if your boss or co-workers believe that women shouldn’t be in the workplace, or that African-Americans are unmotivated, no “productivity hack” will force them to objectively look at your accomplishments and decisions the way they would employees they view without biases. | Ultimately, if your boss or co-workers believe that women shouldn’t be in the workplace, or that African-Americans are unmotivated, no “productivity hack” will force them to objectively look at your accomplishments and decisions the way they would employees they view without biases. |
| That’s the real factor determining whether you can take productivity advice at face value: privilege. Let’s talk about that — who has it and who doesn’t, and what you can do when you don’t. | That’s the real factor determining whether you can take productivity advice at face value: privilege. Let’s talk about that — who has it and who doesn’t, and what you can do when you don’t. |
| I think it was during a meeting where one of my colleagues essentially took credit for all of the work that I did, then described himself as our de facto supervisor, that I realized how firmly I was being marginalized. What really drove it home was that our boss was in the room and didn’t object or clarify. | I think it was during a meeting where one of my colleagues essentially took credit for all of the work that I did, then described himself as our de facto supervisor, that I realized how firmly I was being marginalized. What really drove it home was that our boss was in the room and didn’t object or clarify. |
| I could have spoken up, opened myself up to being seen as “angry” or “aggressive” for rebuking him publicly, but I chose to let it pass, hoping he was just talking himself up and that people would see through it. | I could have spoken up, opened myself up to being seen as “angry” or “aggressive” for rebuking him publicly, but I chose to let it pass, hoping he was just talking himself up and that people would see through it. |
| When that same colleague made sure to assign himself high-profile projects and reject attempts from people outside his circle to get involved, I understood how stark the difference between office “glamour work” and “housework” truly is. | When that same colleague made sure to assign himself high-profile projects and reject attempts from people outside his circle to get involved, I understood how stark the difference between office “glamour work” and “housework” truly is. |
| A 2018 story in Harvard Business Review pointed out that women of color in the workplace are asked to do “office housework” — the behind-the-scenes tasks that keep departments and teams humming — more often than white employees. That kind of work rarely raises an employee’s profile, in contrast to “glamour work,” which is highly visible, helps people make a name for themselves and leads to promotions and other career success. | A 2018 story in Harvard Business Review pointed out that women of color in the workplace are asked to do “office housework” — the behind-the-scenes tasks that keep departments and teams humming — more often than white employees. That kind of work rarely raises an employee’s profile, in contrast to “glamour work,” which is highly visible, helps people make a name for themselves and leads to promotions and other career success. |
| Office housework can be important, but it’s often “someone has to do it” work. It’s organizing schedules so that people can meet instead of actually leading the meeting, or giving presentations to co-workers instead of to an industry conference. | Office housework can be important, but it’s often “someone has to do it” work. It’s organizing schedules so that people can meet instead of actually leading the meeting, or giving presentations to co-workers instead of to an industry conference. |
| Another story in Harvard Business Review, also published in 2018, encouraged managers to assign work fairly and to intervene when they found that the “superstars” on their teams were hogging glamour work while women and people of color wound up doing behind-the-scenes work. Unfortunately, trusting that individual managers will assign work fairly doesn’t always yield the best results. | Another story in Harvard Business Review, also published in 2018, encouraged managers to assign work fairly and to intervene when they found that the “superstars” on their teams were hogging glamour work while women and people of color wound up doing behind-the-scenes work. Unfortunately, trusting that individual managers will assign work fairly doesn’t always yield the best results. |
| Taking on more housework to try to advance your career while a colleague works on a single glamour project will leave you tired and stressed, with less time to work on things that may raise your own profile. | Taking on more housework to try to advance your career while a colleague works on a single glamour project will leave you tired and stressed, with less time to work on things that may raise your own profile. |
| Some of the best methods to manage our workloads and our careers can be locked off to marginalized people, mostly because of the way we’re perceived by other people. | Some of the best methods to manage our workloads and our careers can be locked off to marginalized people, mostly because of the way we’re perceived by other people. |
| That shouldn’t be the case. However, until that changes, here are some ways that women and people of color can cope. | That shouldn’t be the case. However, until that changes, here are some ways that women and people of color can cope. |
| Unfair treatment in the workplace often comes in the form of “microaggressions” — subtle actions that undermine a person and are often explained away by forgetfulness, ignorance, or anything but the malice that usually inspired them. (Like the colleague who conveniently decided he deserved credit for my work, for example.) | Unfair treatment in the workplace often comes in the form of “microaggressions” — subtle actions that undermine a person and are often explained away by forgetfulness, ignorance, or anything but the malice that usually inspired them. (Like the colleague who conveniently decided he deserved credit for my work, for example.) |
| When people who have been treated this way decide to speak up about it, they’re usually told to consider the intentions of the aggressor instead of the action, or to consider that maybe the issue isn’t as bad as they think, or not significant enough to warrant corrective action. Worse, they may be told that the event didn’t happen at all. | When people who have been treated this way decide to speak up about it, they’re usually told to consider the intentions of the aggressor instead of the action, or to consider that maybe the issue isn’t as bad as they think, or not significant enough to warrant corrective action. Worse, they may be told that the event didn’t happen at all. |
| Whether you think you’re being gaslit by a co-worker trying to get away with treating you poorly, or a boss who would rather not confront bad behavior, trust your experiences and your interpretations of those experiences. | Whether you think you’re being gaslit by a co-worker trying to get away with treating you poorly, or a boss who would rather not confront bad behavior, trust your experiences and your interpretations of those experiences. |
| When I asked Ruchika Tulshyan — author of “The Diversity Advantage” and founder of Candour, an inclusion strategy firm — what to do if a co-worker’s bad behavior falls in that gray space between “openly marginalizing you” and “quietly hoarding the best work,” she acknowledged that it’s a tricky situation to address. But providing proof — your own, or someone else’s — can remove doubt. | When I asked Ruchika Tulshyan — author of “The Diversity Advantage” and founder of Candour, an inclusion strategy firm — what to do if a co-worker’s bad behavior falls in that gray space between “openly marginalizing you” and “quietly hoarding the best work,” she acknowledged that it’s a tricky situation to address. But providing proof — your own, or someone else’s — can remove doubt. |
| “One way I’ve seen people navigate this is to collect the data — literally document the number of times you’ve been asked to do the office housework. This does mean that you have to bear through the three, four, five or more times you’ve been asked to order lunch, but once you have that record, it is harder for your manager to argue with it,” she said. | “One way I’ve seen people navigate this is to collect the data — literally document the number of times you’ve been asked to do the office housework. This does mean that you have to bear through the three, four, five or more times you’ve been asked to order lunch, but once you have that record, it is harder for your manager to argue with it,” she said. |
| “Also, if possible,” she added, “take note of the instances where colleagues are asked to do glamour work, and who they are.” | “Also, if possible,” she added, “take note of the instances where colleagues are asked to do glamour work, and who they are.” |
| Ms. Tulshyan explained that many managers simply aren’t aware of their own biases, and may be open to conversations about them. If your relationship with your manager is otherwise good, maybe a talk will even things out. | Ms. Tulshyan explained that many managers simply aren’t aware of their own biases, and may be open to conversations about them. If your relationship with your manager is otherwise good, maybe a talk will even things out. |
| “After all, we are all a product of a global society that portrays women as helpful and collegial, and women of color as being naturally predisposed to do the non-glamorous work,” she said. “We default to these stereotypes often without noticing. Being able to show proof that the glamour work is being distributed unfairly can help you make your case more convincingly.” | “After all, we are all a product of a global society that portrays women as helpful and collegial, and women of color as being naturally predisposed to do the non-glamorous work,” she said. “We default to these stereotypes often without noticing. Being able to show proof that the glamour work is being distributed unfairly can help you make your case more convincingly.” |
| Similarly, Ms. Tulshyan extolled the benefits of finding colleagues you can speak with candidly. This way you have a sounding board to help you objectively see through your own self-doubt and determine whether you’ve actually been slighted or ignored, or whether you’re being paranoid. This colleague could be someone in the organization, but people outside are a good option as well since they wouldn’t have the baggage of the company’s culture to cloud their perspective. | Similarly, Ms. Tulshyan extolled the benefits of finding colleagues you can speak with candidly. This way you have a sounding board to help you objectively see through your own self-doubt and determine whether you’ve actually been slighted or ignored, or whether you’re being paranoid. This colleague could be someone in the organization, but people outside are a good option as well since they wouldn’t have the baggage of the company’s culture to cloud their perspective. |
| “It is good to have someone to check in with about that gray space, as it’s easy to talk yourself out of confrontation — you don’t want to risk your job or reputation. But if the situation is serious, it’s necessary to have backup who will remind you why you need to talk about it with your manager.” | “It is good to have someone to check in with about that gray space, as it’s easy to talk yourself out of confrontation — you don’t want to risk your job or reputation. But if the situation is serious, it’s necessary to have backup who will remind you why you need to talk about it with your manager.” |
| “But most of all," Ms. Tulshyan said, “if your instinct tells you nothing will change, I would trust that.” | “But most of all," Ms. Tulshyan said, “if your instinct tells you nothing will change, I would trust that.” |
| Parents of color have told their children for generations that in a society where racism and discrimination manifest in insidious ways, they need to be “twice as good” to succeed. Statistics often bear that out, showing that to be paid equitably, enjoy the same opportunities for promotion and career advancement, or be seen as equally valid members on a team, that yes, people of color often do have to work twice as hard, or be twice as good at the things they take on. | Parents of color have told their children for generations that in a society where racism and discrimination manifest in insidious ways, they need to be “twice as good” to succeed. Statistics often bear that out, showing that to be paid equitably, enjoy the same opportunities for promotion and career advancement, or be seen as equally valid members on a team, that yes, people of color often do have to work twice as hard, or be twice as good at the things they take on. |
| This also means that employees of color and specifically women, often volunteer for work that’s less glamorous — the office housework — to make a positive impact, or be seen as active and engaged. | This also means that employees of color and specifically women, often volunteer for work that’s less glamorous — the office housework — to make a positive impact, or be seen as active and engaged. |
| Ms. Tulshyan explained that while this drive is well meaning, it can often be counterproductive, and it gives managers cover to ignore their own behaviors and implicit biases when assigning work or handing out opportunities. Your best tool in this case, she said, is learning the fine art of saying no without ruining your career. It takes practice, but being able to point out that you’re working on other priorities or to assert that you’d rather skip one opportunity so you can give yourself a chance to be successful at another is an important skill. | Ms. Tulshyan explained that while this drive is well meaning, it can often be counterproductive, and it gives managers cover to ignore their own behaviors and implicit biases when assigning work or handing out opportunities. Your best tool in this case, she said, is learning the fine art of saying no without ruining your career. It takes practice, but being able to point out that you’re working on other priorities or to assert that you’d rather skip one opportunity so you can give yourself a chance to be successful at another is an important skill. |
| “In my experience, learning to say no comes from practice, or sometimes humor can be handy. Playfully say: ‘All right, I’ll order the lunch this time, but it’s John’s turn next week,’” she said. | “In my experience, learning to say no comes from practice, or sometimes humor can be handy. Playfully say: ‘All right, I’ll order the lunch this time, but it’s John’s turn next week,’” she said. |
| “One way I’ve found to be helpful is to ask for more time to think through whether you are available to volunteer for a task. This is especially helpful in larger asks — so if your manager ‘voluntells’ you, you say ‘I’m going to think about this and get back to you.’” | “One way I’ve found to be helpful is to ask for more time to think through whether you are available to volunteer for a task. This is especially helpful in larger asks — so if your manager ‘voluntells’ you, you say ‘I’m going to think about this and get back to you.’” |
| Another important skill to learn is how to “manage up” to your boss. Recognizing quickly whether something is a small or large ask, and how it fits into your personal or team priorities is essential — and asking your boss for clarity on what your team’s priorities are is also essential. | Another important skill to learn is how to “manage up” to your boss. Recognizing quickly whether something is a small or large ask, and how it fits into your personal or team priorities is essential — and asking your boss for clarity on what your team’s priorities are is also essential. |
| It’s easier said than done, but the bottom line is to discuss your workload and priorities with managers in a way that helps them understand what you’re working on, and helps you decide whether to take on new work. | It’s easier said than done, but the bottom line is to discuss your workload and priorities with managers in a way that helps them understand what you’re working on, and helps you decide whether to take on new work. |
| Ms. Tulshyan noted, however, that for real progress to happen, something has to change from the top down. “Ultimately, if you’re a woman or person of color, you must understand that you won’t be considered ‘twice as good’ when you’re doing the office housework,” she said. | Ms. Tulshyan noted, however, that for real progress to happen, something has to change from the top down. “Ultimately, if you’re a woman or person of color, you must understand that you won’t be considered ‘twice as good’ when you’re doing the office housework,” she said. |
| “If anything, it ends up reinforcing existing power dynamics, where the person of color is considered less of a leader if they’re constantly being relegated to doing the non-glamorous tasks. More managers with privilege need to understand this, too — because it’s not a matter of being helpful or a team player if not everyone is expected to help out — just the folks from marginalized backgrounds.” | “If anything, it ends up reinforcing existing power dynamics, where the person of color is considered less of a leader if they’re constantly being relegated to doing the non-glamorous tasks. More managers with privilege need to understand this, too — because it’s not a matter of being helpful or a team player if not everyone is expected to help out — just the folks from marginalized backgrounds.” |
| When I asked how employees can identify and avoid those pitfalls, or back out if they’ve overcommitted, Ms. Tulshyan was emphatic. She explained that this is a huge problem, “so much more prevalent for women of color, particularly African-American women, who are constantly fighting negative stereotypes about their perceived behavior and competence.” | When I asked how employees can identify and avoid those pitfalls, or back out if they’ve overcommitted, Ms. Tulshyan was emphatic. She explained that this is a huge problem, “so much more prevalent for women of color, particularly African-American women, who are constantly fighting negative stereotypes about their perceived behavior and competence.” |
| “Part of it is learning to, and practicing how to, hold back the urge to constantly volunteer,” she said. | “Part of it is learning to, and practicing how to, hold back the urge to constantly volunteer,” she said. |
| She also suggested that if you feel trapped in a cycle of taking on bad work, or you’ve already committed to helping out and it turned out to be a professional trap, consider working with your manager to set up a rotating system so that work is distributed more fairly among multiple people. Plan for a handoff far in advance, so you know you won’t be pigeonholed into busywork forever. | She also suggested that if you feel trapped in a cycle of taking on bad work, or you’ve already committed to helping out and it turned out to be a professional trap, consider working with your manager to set up a rotating system so that work is distributed more fairly among multiple people. Plan for a handoff far in advance, so you know you won’t be pigeonholed into busywork forever. |
| Productivity advice, like “check your email once or twice a day instead of being always available” and “leave your work at work,” seems easy to follow, but as we’ve mentioned, when some people use methods like these to improve their work/life balance, they’re seen as organized and productive. When women and workers of color do the same, they can be viewed seen as unmotivated, lazy, or disengaged. | Productivity advice, like “check your email once or twice a day instead of being always available” and “leave your work at work,” seems easy to follow, but as we’ve mentioned, when some people use methods like these to improve their work/life balance, they’re seen as organized and productive. When women and workers of color do the same, they can be viewed seen as unmotivated, lazy, or disengaged. |
| But you don’t have to let work consistently intrude on your personal life. The first step is to manage your boundaries. | But you don’t have to let work consistently intrude on your personal life. The first step is to manage your boundaries. |
| “The less-controversial way is to say something like: ‘I’m worried that doing X will take away time from the work I was hired to do. I want to give my all to that work, which is also my skill set,’” Ms. Tulshyan suggested. | “The less-controversial way is to say something like: ‘I’m worried that doing X will take away time from the work I was hired to do. I want to give my all to that work, which is also my skill set,’” Ms. Tulshyan suggested. |
| “Also,” she added, “if you can estimate how much time that would take from your actual work, it’s helpful to state that: ‘I think mentoring the interns is going to take at least 10 hours this week, and I’m on deadline. How about we share the responsibilities among three to four people?’” | “Also,” she added, “if you can estimate how much time that would take from your actual work, it’s helpful to state that: ‘I think mentoring the interns is going to take at least 10 hours this week, and I’m on deadline. How about we share the responsibilities among three to four people?’” |
| “A stronger tactic, which I’ve personally used, is to call out bias when you experience it,” Ms. Tulshyan said. “Again, it only works in environments where you have the psychological safety — which, sadly, is rare for employees of color — but I’ve taken managers aside in the past and said, ‘I’ve noticed you volunteered me for this committee again, but not my white male colleagues. Could we talk about that?’” The same tactic works in reverse. If you notice that your privileged colleagues are the only ones sent to conferences or given the opportunity to discuss the work your team is doing, mention it to your manager. | “A stronger tactic, which I’ve personally used, is to call out bias when you experience it,” Ms. Tulshyan said. “Again, it only works in environments where you have the psychological safety — which, sadly, is rare for employees of color — but I’ve taken managers aside in the past and said, ‘I’ve noticed you volunteered me for this committee again, but not my white male colleagues. Could we talk about that?’” The same tactic works in reverse. If you notice that your privileged colleagues are the only ones sent to conferences or given the opportunity to discuss the work your team is doing, mention it to your manager. |
| Ms. Tulshyan also suggested that you look for ways to get credit for work you’re already doing if glamour opportunities are otherwise scarce. For example, before taking on something new, note to your manager that to be a team player, you’re doing the bulk of the office housework — work that no one else would do — and ask to have that considered the next time you talk about compensation. | Ms. Tulshyan also suggested that you look for ways to get credit for work you’re already doing if glamour opportunities are otherwise scarce. For example, before taking on something new, note to your manager that to be a team player, you’re doing the bulk of the office housework — work that no one else would do — and ask to have that considered the next time you talk about compensation. |
| When women and people of color are stereotypically viewed as loud, abrasive, brassy, or even threatening when they speak up, it’s natural to worry that you will, too. You don’t want your efforts to backfire. | When women and people of color are stereotypically viewed as loud, abrasive, brassy, or even threatening when they speak up, it’s natural to worry that you will, too. You don’t want your efforts to backfire. |
| Unfortunately, taking a more passive approach in professional settings allows the loudest person in the room to dominate, pretend (at best) or lie (at worst) about their importance, or assign themselves glamour work while leaving office housekeeping in the air for others. Social conditioning and privilege are to blame, but you’re not out of options. | Unfortunately, taking a more passive approach in professional settings allows the loudest person in the room to dominate, pretend (at best) or lie (at worst) about their importance, or assign themselves glamour work while leaving office housekeeping in the air for others. Social conditioning and privilege are to blame, but you’re not out of options. |
| It’s perhaps most important for marginalized employees, but it’s a good idea for any employee, to document accomplishments and challenges. Consider keeping a work diary. Note the opportunities you’ve been given and the ones you were denied. Regularly jot down what’s happened at work, how it made you feel, and what you’re working on (and how much time you spend on various projects). | It’s perhaps most important for marginalized employees, but it’s a good idea for any employee, to document accomplishments and challenges. Consider keeping a work diary. Note the opportunities you’ve been given and the ones you were denied. Regularly jot down what’s happened at work, how it made you feel, and what you’re working on (and how much time you spend on various projects). |
| Doing this not only gives you a way to get your thoughts out, it also helps you build a portfolio of professional wins and losses. That will come in handy when it’s time to update your résumé, or in future interviews when you’re asked about times when you’ve struggled or excelled. | Doing this not only gives you a way to get your thoughts out, it also helps you build a portfolio of professional wins and losses. That will come in handy when it’s time to update your résumé, or in future interviews when you’re asked about times when you’ve struggled or excelled. |
| Once you start your diary, you’ll have a clearer picture of your work life, and more important, the data to evaluate your feelings. You’ll also have useful information for one-on-one conversations with your manager. | Once you start your diary, you’ll have a clearer picture of your work life, and more important, the data to evaluate your feelings. You’ll also have useful information for one-on-one conversations with your manager. |
| “Data is really your best friend,” Ms. Tulshyan explained. She suggested framing your experiences as “I know it’s easy to misinterpret what I’m going to say, and I get passionate about this issue, but stay with me as I walk through my experience of always being stuck with the office housework.” | “Data is really your best friend,” Ms. Tulshyan explained. She suggested framing your experiences as “I know it’s easy to misinterpret what I’m going to say, and I get passionate about this issue, but stay with me as I walk through my experience of always being stuck with the office housework.” |
| Documenting and tracking your experiences at work has another great benefit: It helps you broadcast your successes to people who are listening. Share those successes on social media like Twitter or LinkedIn. Even if they feel small, remember that your more privileged colleagues likely wouldn’t think twice about patting themselves on the back. | Documenting and tracking your experiences at work has another great benefit: It helps you broadcast your successes to people who are listening. Share those successes on social media like Twitter or LinkedIn. Even if they feel small, remember that your more privileged colleagues likely wouldn’t think twice about patting themselves on the back. |
| “Further, I recommend looking for allies,” Ms. Tulshyan said. “I’ve had a few more-privileged colleagues at my workplaces who would spread the word to our department on my behalf if I accomplished something noteworthy. The great thing is it seems to foster a lot more trust and celebration among the group than if you are always tooting your own horn.” | “Further, I recommend looking for allies,” Ms. Tulshyan said. “I’ve had a few more-privileged colleagues at my workplaces who would spread the word to our department on my behalf if I accomplished something noteworthy. The great thing is it seems to foster a lot more trust and celebration among the group than if you are always tooting your own horn.” |
| Creating that network of people willing to watch your back and help when you stumble is important for everyone, but even more so for those most vulnerable to discrimination in the workplace. | Creating that network of people willing to watch your back and help when you stumble is important for everyone, but even more so for those most vulnerable to discrimination in the workplace. |
| When you feel frustrated and marginalized, Ms. Tulshyan said, try to keep in mind why you do the work you do, and remember the people who are positively affected by it. | When you feel frustrated and marginalized, Ms. Tulshyan said, try to keep in mind why you do the work you do, and remember the people who are positively affected by it. |
| “I strongly believe in cultivating a strong network of people who champion for your success,” Ms. Tulshyan said, “or at the least, remind you of your value and worth.” | “I strongly believe in cultivating a strong network of people who champion for your success,” Ms. Tulshyan said, “or at the least, remind you of your value and worth.” |