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| Version 1 | Version 2 |
|---|---|
| 'I changed my gender after my wife got dementia' | 'I changed my gender after my wife got dementia' |
| (3 days later) | |
| When Steve Gilbert met his wife, Jill, he had just left the Royal Marines, unnerved by a growing realisation that he was attracted to men - "especially the hunky guys". | When Steve Gilbert met his wife, Jill, he had just left the Royal Marines, unnerved by a growing realisation that he was attracted to men - "especially the hunky guys". |
| Almost 40 years on, Jill has dementia and lives in a care home - and Steve, now Stephanie, has had gender reassignment surgery. | Almost 40 years on, Jill has dementia and lives in a care home - and Steve, now Stephanie, has had gender reassignment surgery. |
| "I always felt female," Stephanie says. | "I always felt female," Stephanie says. |
| "But you learn to hide everything when growing up - to fit in to society." | "But you learn to hide everything when growing up - to fit in to society." |
| Steve and Jill were both into sport and fitness when they met, at their local leisure centre, near Redruth, Cornwall. | Steve and Jill were both into sport and fitness when they met, at their local leisure centre, near Redruth, Cornwall. |
| Jill was 18 years older, with three children from a previous marriage, so they decided to just "play it by ear" but as time went on, Stephanie says: "I fell in love with her and it just got deeper and deeper." | Jill was 18 years older, with three children from a previous marriage, so they decided to just "play it by ear" but as time went on, Stephanie says: "I fell in love with her and it just got deeper and deeper." |
| Steve told Jill he felt he should be female - but when she told him marriage would change this, he put his misgivings to one side to concentrate on being a good husband and immersed himself in sport. | Steve told Jill he felt he should be female - but when she told him marriage would change this, he put his misgivings to one side to concentrate on being a good husband and immersed himself in sport. |
| In his 20s, he was particularly successful at judo, coming third in his weight category in the national judo championships three years running. | In his 20s, he was particularly successful at judo, coming third in his weight category in the national judo championships three years running. |
| But rather than going away, the feeling that he should be female grew - and in his late 40s, he decided he wanted to live as a woman. | But rather than going away, the feeling that he should be female grew - and in his late 40s, he decided he wanted to live as a woman. |
| "And, of course, that's when the difficulties started in the marriage - arguments," Stephanie says. | "And, of course, that's when the difficulties started in the marriage - arguments," Stephanie says. |
| After a referral to a gender identity clinic in Newton Abbot, Devon, Steve was accepted for hormone treatment - but, Jill, then in her late 60s, hated the idea. | After a referral to a gender identity clinic in Newton Abbot, Devon, Steve was accepted for hormone treatment - but, Jill, then in her late 60s, hated the idea. |
| They had all but decided to separate but Jill had a series of family bereavements and was also ill herself, with breast cancer and, later, arthritis. | They had all but decided to separate but Jill had a series of family bereavements and was also ill herself, with breast cancer and, later, arthritis. |
| So Steve decided to put transition on hold "until things were sorted out". | So Steve decided to put transition on hold "until things were sorted out". |
| "I couldn't put her through it." | "I couldn't put her through it." |
| Soon afterwards, Jill began to show the early signs of dementia. | Soon afterwards, Jill began to show the early signs of dementia. |
| "At the beginning, you notice little things... and then you think there's more to it as she repeats herself and then you find that you got like half a dozen tins of mustard powder and loads and loads of kitchen paper but no toilet paper. You think, 'No, something's not right.'" | "At the beginning, you notice little things... and then you think there's more to it as she repeats herself and then you find that you got like half a dozen tins of mustard powder and loads and loads of kitchen paper but no toilet paper. You think, 'No, something's not right.'" |
| Jill never recovered properly from a general anaesthetic almost nine years ago and Steve, a skilled carpenter and joiner, whose work took him all over Cornwall, became increasingly concerned about her safety while she was at home on her own. | Jill never recovered properly from a general anaesthetic almost nine years ago and Steve, a skilled carpenter and joiner, whose work took him all over Cornwall, became increasingly concerned about her safety while she was at home on her own. |
| 'Gender neutral' | 'Gender neutral' |
| "In the end, I had to take the knobs off the cooker," Stephanie says. | "In the end, I had to take the knobs off the cooker," Stephanie says. |
| "It got too much and I gave up work completely to look after her full time." | "It got too much and I gave up work completely to look after her full time." |
| Giving up work also gave Steve the opportunity to live as Stephanie full time. | Giving up work also gave Steve the opportunity to live as Stephanie full time. |
| "At home, I would just be who I wanted to be and try to look after Jill - but it wasn't brilliant," she says. | "At home, I would just be who I wanted to be and try to look after Jill - but it wasn't brilliant," she says. |
| "I had to sort of almost be gender neutral so it was indistinguishable. She still had some of her faculties about her." | "I had to sort of almost be gender neutral so it was indistinguishable. She still had some of her faculties about her." |
| 'Couldn't cope' | 'Couldn't cope' |
| Becoming a full-time carer was exhausting. If Jill needed the toilet in the night, she was often unable to find her way back to bed. | Becoming a full-time carer was exhausting. If Jill needed the toilet in the night, she was often unable to find her way back to bed. |
| "As the illness developed, I ended up getting fine-tuned to her. So as soon as I heard her get up, I'd be awake instantly," Stephanie says. | "As the illness developed, I ended up getting fine-tuned to her. So as soon as I heard her get up, I'd be awake instantly," Stephanie says. |
| Eventually, Stephanie became so stressed and depressed that she was admitted to hospital for five days. | Eventually, Stephanie became so stressed and depressed that she was admitted to hospital for five days. |
| Jill's children took over as carers but quickly realised how tough it was and called in social services. | Jill's children took over as carers but quickly realised how tough it was and called in social services. |
| "It sort of got took out of my hands. I knew she was going to have to go into care but it ended up being sooner rather than later. | "It sort of got took out of my hands. I knew she was going to have to go into care but it ended up being sooner rather than later. |
| "I couldn't cope any longer," Stephanie says . | "I couldn't cope any longer," Stephanie says . |
| 'An inspiration' | 'An inspiration' |
| With Jill in a care home, Stephanie began to pick up the pieces of her life. | With Jill in a care home, Stephanie began to pick up the pieces of her life. |
| She went back to the gender clinic and was prescribed hormones - and there were other big changes. | She went back to the gender clinic and was prescribed hormones - and there were other big changes. |
| "I decided I would pursue my dream of beauty therapy, I'd looked at it previously when I was Steve," she says. | "I decided I would pursue my dream of beauty therapy, I'd looked at it previously when I was Steve," she says. |
| Stephanie was accepted at Cornwall College, which has "a really good diversity policy". | Stephanie was accepted at Cornwall College, which has "a really good diversity policy". |
| "I think it just helped educate them a bit more," she says, "because, as a trans person, I've always tried to let people know we're just human beings who want to live our lives." | "I think it just helped educate them a bit more," she says, "because, as a trans person, I've always tried to let people know we're just human beings who want to live our lives." |
| Her course tutor, Paula Riley, has described Stephanie as "an inspiration in her open approach to transitioning". | Her course tutor, Paula Riley, has described Stephanie as "an inspiration in her open approach to transitioning". |
| Paula says Stephanie's college work was always exceptional despite the emotional upheaval of gender reassignment and her wife moving into a care home. | Paula says Stephanie's college work was always exceptional despite the emotional upheaval of gender reassignment and her wife moving into a care home. |
| In November 2017, at 59, Stephanie finally underwent surgery and returned to the college early in 2018 to complete a course in Swedish massage. | In November 2017, at 59, Stephanie finally underwent surgery and returned to the college early in 2018 to complete a course in Swedish massage. |
| Her resilience led to her being awarded 2018 Adult Student of the Year by the Association of Colleges - and this September she will begin a higher level course in sports massage. | Her resilience led to her being awarded 2018 Adult Student of the Year by the Association of Colleges - and this September she will begin a higher level course in sports massage. |
| Sadly, Jill's dementia has progressed to the extent that she no longer recognises her spouse of 40 years at all, even if Stephanie wears a short wig and gender neutral clothes. | |
| Stephanie now has a salon in her home and does treatments for friends, including other trans women, but she still makes her living as a carpenter and joiner on building sites, as the pay is so much better. | Stephanie now has a salon in her home and does treatments for friends, including other trans women, but she still makes her living as a carpenter and joiner on building sites, as the pay is so much better. |
| She finds the work tough as the hormone therapy means she has lost a lot of strength, but still displays the tenacity and humour that made her so popular at college. | She finds the work tough as the hormone therapy means she has lost a lot of strength, but still displays the tenacity and humour that made her so popular at college. |
| "I'm back on the building site, educating the guys, winding them up something rotten," she says. | "I'm back on the building site, educating the guys, winding them up something rotten," she says. |
| "It's like, oh, they just really cringe and I say, 'Haallo!' | "It's like, oh, they just really cringe and I say, 'Haallo!' |
| "I've got to be careful I don't get done for sexual harassment. It's so funny. We have a good laugh." | "I've got to be careful I don't get done for sexual harassment. It's so funny. We have a good laugh." |