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| A drone interrupts Brexit? Wake me up when this am-dram comedy is over | A drone interrupts Brexit? Wake me up when this am-dram comedy is over |
| (25 days later) | |
| As a frequent flyer, a born catastrophist and a hater of uncertainty and crowds, I have watched events unfold at Gatwick airport this week with horror, mentally working out how I would go about washing my hair and suchlike if I had to live in a departure lounge for days on end (would they let you into duty free, for example? What if you ran out of books?). But it cannot be denied that it feels very much like the trauma of our times – a microcosm of all the anxieties currently besetting us. And it being this time of year, and inspired by recent comments made by The League of Gentlemen co-creator Mark Gatiss about the premonitory nature of the show I fell to wondering how it could be dealt with by a group of am-dram enthusiasts in a small village – let’s call it Batwick – somewhere deep in worried, bewildered, middle England. | As a frequent flyer, a born catastrophist and a hater of uncertainty and crowds, I have watched events unfold at Gatwick airport this week with horror, mentally working out how I would go about washing my hair and suchlike if I had to live in a departure lounge for days on end (would they let you into duty free, for example? What if you ran out of books?). But it cannot be denied that it feels very much like the trauma of our times – a microcosm of all the anxieties currently besetting us. And it being this time of year, and inspired by recent comments made by The League of Gentlemen co-creator Mark Gatiss about the premonitory nature of the show I fell to wondering how it could be dealt with by a group of am-dram enthusiasts in a small village – let’s call it Batwick – somewhere deep in worried, bewildered, middle England. |
| Here’s the leader of the troupe addressing her fellow thespians. “We commend the committee of the end-of-year revue show for coming up with another corker for the village’s entertainment. Even we couldn’t have seen this one coming! Neither could we have expected the crowds: more than 100,000 people crammed into our tiny community centre. A whole new meaning to the phrase standing room only! Our gratitude to Linda Ponsonby for dusting off her faithful tea urn and to the whole area for throwing open their doors. Lucky you had all those sheets and blankets aired for Christmas! | Here’s the leader of the troupe addressing her fellow thespians. “We commend the committee of the end-of-year revue show for coming up with another corker for the village’s entertainment. Even we couldn’t have seen this one coming! Neither could we have expected the crowds: more than 100,000 people crammed into our tiny community centre. A whole new meaning to the phrase standing room only! Our gratitude to Linda Ponsonby for dusting off her faithful tea urn and to the whole area for throwing open their doors. Lucky you had all those sheets and blankets aired for Christmas! |
| “But on to the show itself. We admit that we harboured a few worries ahead of ‘curtain up’; after all, you had a lot of material to work with, but some of it does tend rather to the dark. As you know, our happy home remains somewhat divided in the wake of recent events – that pesky backstop! Linda says she still doesn’t understand quite what it is and why it makes everyone so cross – and Christmas is surely a time for healing rifts. And quite frankly, we’ve had it up to the back teeth with people sniping at each other. Stupid is as stupid does, as my mother used to say. | “But on to the show itself. We admit that we harboured a few worries ahead of ‘curtain up’; after all, you had a lot of material to work with, but some of it does tend rather to the dark. As you know, our happy home remains somewhat divided in the wake of recent events – that pesky backstop! Linda says she still doesn’t understand quite what it is and why it makes everyone so cross – and Christmas is surely a time for healing rifts. And quite frankly, we’ve had it up to the back teeth with people sniping at each other. Stupid is as stupid does, as my mother used to say. |
| “So a fiendish mystery drone was just the thing to distract us all. And the special effects! We still don’t know how you got those clever contraptions up in the air, but Geoff thinks you might have drafted in some of the teenagers who hang around the bus stop – which of course pays the extra dividend of taking their minds off cider and solvents. | “So a fiendish mystery drone was just the thing to distract us all. And the special effects! We still don’t know how you got those clever contraptions up in the air, but Geoff thinks you might have drafted in some of the teenagers who hang around the bus stop – which of course pays the extra dividend of taking their minds off cider and solvents. |
| “And whodunnit? Lord alone knows. We loved those sneaky cold war figures with astrakhan hats and vodka bottles who lurked in the wings (forgive the pun!), but we think they might have been a red herring. We’re far more persuaded by all those ‘green’ types with their banners and filthy hair – although we did think we’d seen the last of them when the bypass went through last September. How enterprising of you to leave room open for a sequel! | “And whodunnit? Lord alone knows. We loved those sneaky cold war figures with astrakhan hats and vodka bottles who lurked in the wings (forgive the pun!), but we think they might have been a red herring. We’re far more persuaded by all those ‘green’ types with their banners and filthy hair – although we did think we’d seen the last of them when the bypass went through last September. How enterprising of you to leave room open for a sequel! |
| “Before we move on, a word of profound gratitude for finding a part for Chris. He can get a bit shirty when left on the sidelines, so thank you for bringing him on to centre stage as Rev Grayling for the dazzling denouement. Admittedly, he’d have been even more chuffed if he’d been able to catch the culprits but, as we all know, you can’t test audiences’ suspension of disbelief too much. | “Before we move on, a word of profound gratitude for finding a part for Chris. He can get a bit shirty when left on the sidelines, so thank you for bringing him on to centre stage as Rev Grayling for the dazzling denouement. Admittedly, he’d have been even more chuffed if he’d been able to catch the culprits but, as we all know, you can’t test audiences’ suspension of disbelief too much. |
| “On that note, I’m afraid we can’t rest on our laurels, and the subcommittee in charge of next spring’s spectacular is already champing at the bit. Which poses something of a problem: how are we to follow such a brilliant piece of farce? Let’s remind ourselves of our remit: the parish council has asked that we try to reflect the mood of the country; to look outside our bucolic little haven and examine the zeitgeist. | “On that note, I’m afraid we can’t rest on our laurels, and the subcommittee in charge of next spring’s spectacular is already champing at the bit. Which poses something of a problem: how are we to follow such a brilliant piece of farce? Let’s remind ourselves of our remit: the parish council has asked that we try to reflect the mood of the country; to look outside our bucolic little haven and examine the zeitgeist. |
| “So here is what we are asking you to do: bearing in mind that you’ve just wonderfully demonstrated how a little plastic gadget can lay low a vast piece of infrastructure, could you put your minds to imagining what tragicomic scenarios might ensue if the village were to declare its independence from the rest of the county and strike out alone? | “So here is what we are asking you to do: bearing in mind that you’ve just wonderfully demonstrated how a little plastic gadget can lay low a vast piece of infrastructure, could you put your minds to imagining what tragicomic scenarios might ensue if the village were to declare its independence from the rest of the county and strike out alone? |
| “We know we’re not giving you much time, and alas we have nothing more left in the coffers to fund whizzbang scenery and props. And it is, of course, forbidden to forage beyond the village boundary for such items. Everything must be sourced within the village, including extras, technical equipment and refreshments. In terms of the casting, we’re very much hoping – selfish, I know – that some of the hordes who found themselves stranded here this week still won’t have managed to get home. | “We know we’re not giving you much time, and alas we have nothing more left in the coffers to fund whizzbang scenery and props. And it is, of course, forbidden to forage beyond the village boundary for such items. Everything must be sourced within the village, including extras, technical equipment and refreshments. In terms of the casting, we’re very much hoping – selfish, I know – that some of the hordes who found themselves stranded here this week still won’t have managed to get home. |
| “But do not despair: Linda has already promised to keep her urn at the ready. And since the creche, the cottage hospital and the drop-in centre closed down, we have rehearsal rooms aplenty. There’s been some talk of merging with the Much Deeping Brexit Mummers, but that’s hardly fighting talk. All we need is a script. Be bold. Be fearless. Take control. How hard can it be?” | “But do not despair: Linda has already promised to keep her urn at the ready. And since the creche, the cottage hospital and the drop-in centre closed down, we have rehearsal rooms aplenty. There’s been some talk of merging with the Much Deeping Brexit Mummers, but that’s hardly fighting talk. All we need is a script. Be bold. Be fearless. Take control. How hard can it be?” |
| • Alex Clark is a freelance journalist and broadcaster | • Alex Clark is a freelance journalist and broadcaster |
| Gatwick airport | Gatwick airport |
| Opinion | Opinion |
| Transport | Transport |
| Air transport | Air transport |
| Drones (non-military) | Drones (non-military) |
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