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| Tears, heartbreak and a missing goose: my darkest winter solstice of all | Tears, heartbreak and a missing goose: my darkest winter solstice of all |
| (30 days later) | |
| As Father Christmas makes his list, I hope that he doesn’t mark me down in the unbearably smug column for admitting that I haven’t had a bad Christmas in my life. I’ve been lucky with my health; I’m not poor; my family are genuinely brilliant, and all of them can cook. I’m the little girl that Santa Claus remembered. | As Father Christmas makes his list, I hope that he doesn’t mark me down in the unbearably smug column for admitting that I haven’t had a bad Christmas in my life. I’ve been lucky with my health; I’m not poor; my family are genuinely brilliant, and all of them can cook. I’m the little girl that Santa Claus remembered. |
| We flew to New York to create a Home Alone Christmas. Careful what you wish for | Phoebe-Jane Boyd | We flew to New York to create a Home Alone Christmas. Careful what you wish for | Phoebe-Jane Boyd |
| The run-ups to Christmas, on the other hand, have been hateful. There’s the extra workload, and sometimes working on Christmas Day. The long, cold, rainy nights. Driving home for the holidays in a car so old and knackered that my hands have frozen to the steering wheel by the time I arrive. Mainly, though, my history of being dumped, just as the rest of the world enters the most romantic time of the year. | The run-ups to Christmas, on the other hand, have been hateful. There’s the extra workload, and sometimes working on Christmas Day. The long, cold, rainy nights. Driving home for the holidays in a car so old and knackered that my hands have frozen to the steering wheel by the time I arrive. Mainly, though, my history of being dumped, just as the rest of the world enters the most romantic time of the year. |
| There are many hypotheses about why so many break-ups tend to happen just before Christmas. (And they do, according to analysis of Facebook statuses and research by Match.com.) Some say it’s fear of commitment, or the abundance of mistletoe and booze; but I think it’s because some people are just rotten, and midwinter sucks. That’s why I host a winter solstice party every 21 December, to mark the lowest point in the year and the start of the return to light. And that’s how I ended up having the worst pre-Christmas of my life. | There are many hypotheses about why so many break-ups tend to happen just before Christmas. (And they do, according to analysis of Facebook statuses and research by Match.com.) Some say it’s fear of commitment, or the abundance of mistletoe and booze; but I think it’s because some people are just rotten, and midwinter sucks. That’s why I host a winter solstice party every 21 December, to mark the lowest point in the year and the start of the return to light. And that’s how I ended up having the worst pre-Christmas of my life. |
| One December, I had just been chucked, as usual, on the day before the solstice, of course, and I was feeling wretched and stressed about everything. I had ordered a goose from an online supermarket, whose van driver turned up on the morning of my big party to let me know that no geese were available that week, so they had substituted my purchase with a tiny packet of mulled wine spice teabags. But my dumper and I were Being Civilised About It All, and he was coming to the party, so I was determined to put a brave face on it. A brave face, and a ridiculously sexy red dress. | One December, I had just been chucked, as usual, on the day before the solstice, of course, and I was feeling wretched and stressed about everything. I had ordered a goose from an online supermarket, whose van driver turned up on the morning of my big party to let me know that no geese were available that week, so they had substituted my purchase with a tiny packet of mulled wine spice teabags. But my dumper and I were Being Civilised About It All, and he was coming to the party, so I was determined to put a brave face on it. A brave face, and a ridiculously sexy red dress. |
| Despite the last-minute goose substitution, that year was the best prepared and most glamorous solstice ever known to paganism. I was like Nigella – if Nigella hadn’t slept for a week and wanted to scratch supermarket delivery drivers’ eyes out. Which she probably does from time to time, to be fair. I had prepared a feast, a vat of mulled wine, and a carefree laugh. | Despite the last-minute goose substitution, that year was the best prepared and most glamorous solstice ever known to paganism. I was like Nigella – if Nigella hadn’t slept for a week and wanted to scratch supermarket delivery drivers’ eyes out. Which she probably does from time to time, to be fair. I had prepared a feast, a vat of mulled wine, and a carefree laugh. |
| The dumper arrived with a group of friends, stayed for a can of lager, and left, at which point I collapsed in tears on a pile of coats on my bed, and most of my friends decided to get the hell out of there and go to a gay bar instead. I absolutely don’t blame them – I’d do the same now if I went to someone’s party and they ignored me all evening and then dribbled snot on my winter coat. I drove home that Christmas dripping icicle tears in my little frozen car, and was foul to my family, and they were kind to me. So, as worst Christmases go, nobody’s ever going to base a heart-rending John Lewis ad on it. | The dumper arrived with a group of friends, stayed for a can of lager, and left, at which point I collapsed in tears on a pile of coats on my bed, and most of my friends decided to get the hell out of there and go to a gay bar instead. I absolutely don’t blame them – I’d do the same now if I went to someone’s party and they ignored me all evening and then dribbled snot on my winter coat. I drove home that Christmas dripping icicle tears in my little frozen car, and was foul to my family, and they were kind to me. So, as worst Christmases go, nobody’s ever going to base a heart-rending John Lewis ad on it. |
| The following year, I was in a new relationship, so I didn’t have high hopes for December. Nevertheless, I issued invitations and defrosted a pre-ordered goose on 21 December. Events seemed to take a predictable turn when freak weather hit and all the public transport was cancelled, leaving me alone and drinking mulled things, as my phone pinged with apologies from people stuck in snow. But then, my new boyfriend texted. “Nothing will stop me being by your side tonight,” he wrote. “Not snow, not wizards, not dragons, not anything.” He arrived before midnight, closely followed by the best of my best friends, who had found each other in a blizzard at Clapham Junction and ice skated around the South Circular. We ended up snowed in for three days, but fortunately there was enough food to feed a herd of reindeer. | The following year, I was in a new relationship, so I didn’t have high hopes for December. Nevertheless, I issued invitations and defrosted a pre-ordered goose on 21 December. Events seemed to take a predictable turn when freak weather hit and all the public transport was cancelled, leaving me alone and drinking mulled things, as my phone pinged with apologies from people stuck in snow. But then, my new boyfriend texted. “Nothing will stop me being by your side tonight,” he wrote. “Not snow, not wizards, not dragons, not anything.” He arrived before midnight, closely followed by the best of my best friends, who had found each other in a blizzard at Clapham Junction and ice skated around the South Circular. We ended up snowed in for three days, but fortunately there was enough food to feed a herd of reindeer. |
| There is no moral to this story, other than: good friends and family are for life, not just for Christmas, so try not to be a bitch to them when you’re feeling sorry for yourself; if you’re dating someone who won’t fight wizards and snowstorms to be with you, dump them first, they’re not worth wasting your mistletoe on; and remember to get the heater matrix in your car fixed before winter kicks in. | There is no moral to this story, other than: good friends and family are for life, not just for Christmas, so try not to be a bitch to them when you’re feeling sorry for yourself; if you’re dating someone who won’t fight wizards and snowstorms to be with you, dump them first, they’re not worth wasting your mistletoe on; and remember to get the heater matrix in your car fixed before winter kicks in. |
| Christmas can be tough, for many reasons, but it’s always worth taking a deep breath and celebrating a little on the winter solstice, when life stops growing darker and everything begins to get better instead. So merry solstice, everyone. I wish you a next solar year that is filled with unbearable smugness. | Christmas can be tough, for many reasons, but it’s always worth taking a deep breath and celebrating a little on the winter solstice, when life stops growing darker and everything begins to get better instead. So merry solstice, everyone. I wish you a next solar year that is filled with unbearable smugness. |
| • Katy Guest is a freelance writer and editor, and a commissioning editor for the publisher Unbound | • Katy Guest is a freelance writer and editor, and a commissioning editor for the publisher Unbound |
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