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| Life without my noisy boy | Life without my noisy boy |
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| A year ago, Claire Prosser's teenage son died suddenly of an undiagnosed heart condition. Here, she explains what helps her cope - and what not to say to a grieving parent. | A year ago, Claire Prosser's teenage son died suddenly of an undiagnosed heart condition. Here, she explains what helps her cope - and what not to say to a grieving parent. |
| We're invisible. You can't tell just by looking at us. There isn't even a name for parents who have lost children. | We're invisible. You can't tell just by looking at us. There isn't even a name for parents who have lost children. |
| And there is certainly no easy answer to a question that used to be harmless: "How many children do you have?" | And there is certainly no easy answer to a question that used to be harmless: "How many children do you have?" |
| I'm still working on that one. At the moment I say: "Two, but one died a year ago." | I'm still working on that one. At the moment I say: "Two, but one died a year ago." |
| So how do you cope when your child dies? And, as in my case - when it happens completely out of the blue? | So how do you cope when your child dies? And, as in my case - when it happens completely out of the blue? |
| One minute I had a cheerful, talkative 14-year-old son called Tom, the next he was dead, from an undiagnosed heart condition. FIND OUT MORE Life After Tom is broadcast on Radio 4 on Monday 13 October at 2000 BSTOr catch up with the BBC iPlayer class="" href="/1/hi/health/7663009.stm">Sudden deaths claim young lives class="" href="/1/hi/health/7109834.stm">Facing life after Tom | |
| At first we simply clung together - me, my husband Paul and our 13-year-old daughter Ellen. There was a deluge of post, e-mails, texts, endless knocking at the front door. | At first we simply clung together - me, my husband Paul and our 13-year-old daughter Ellen. There was a deluge of post, e-mails, texts, endless knocking at the front door. |
| Then I looked on the internet and found myself immersed in the utter misery that is parents dealing with the death of a child. I read heart-rending personal stories and looked at chatrooms until my head was bursting. | Then I looked on the internet and found myself immersed in the utter misery that is parents dealing with the death of a child. I read heart-rending personal stories and looked at chatrooms until my head was bursting. |
| The next thing I tried was books. Most were American with dubious titles like A Broken Heart Still Beats and I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye.Tom went to bed one night and didn't wake up | The next thing I tried was books. Most were American with dubious titles like A Broken Heart Still Beats and I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye.Tom went to bed one night and didn't wake up |
| A friend gave me The Bereaved Parent by Harriet Sarnoff Schiff. Its easy-to-read chapters show their age in the treats it suggests, like a new eye shadow or giving your husband a Scotch after cooking his dinner. | A friend gave me The Bereaved Parent by Harriet Sarnoff Schiff. Its easy-to-read chapters show their age in the treats it suggests, like a new eye shadow or giving your husband a Scotch after cooking his dinner. |
| But it pretty much tells it like it is, in chapters headed Bereavement and Marriage, Bereavement and Grieving, Bereavement and... the rest of your life. | But it pretty much tells it like it is, in chapters headed Bereavement and Marriage, Bereavement and Grieving, Bereavement and... the rest of your life. |
| The British books that stood out were Michael Rosen's Sad Book and his memoir, Carrying the Elephant, both of which refer to the death of his 18-year-old son from meningitis. Both spoke to the very core of me. | The British books that stood out were Michael Rosen's Sad Book and his memoir, Carrying the Elephant, both of which refer to the death of his 18-year-old son from meningitis. Both spoke to the very core of me. |
| But, like my son, I'm a people person and sensed from the beginning that I would need the support of others. I quickly learnt that some of my friends were to cry with, others to laugh with, still others just for listening. Only a very small few could supply the lot - and what a big ask from me. | But, like my son, I'm a people person and sensed from the beginning that I would need the support of others. I quickly learnt that some of my friends were to cry with, others to laugh with, still others just for listening. Only a very small few could supply the lot - and what a big ask from me. |
| Healing hands | Healing hands |
| I've also found comfort - and Tom - in unexpected places. One of my friends introduced me to a healing masseuse, whom I have seen regularly throughout the year. She helps me relax but also connect with my son in a way I hadn't imagined. He feels very close when I am with her. The memories of the life Tom enjoyed are what sustain us | I've also found comfort - and Tom - in unexpected places. One of my friends introduced me to a healing masseuse, whom I have seen regularly throughout the year. She helps me relax but also connect with my son in a way I hadn't imagined. He feels very close when I am with her. The memories of the life Tom enjoyed are what sustain us |
| Another friend took me singing at Questors, my local theatre. Our exuberant teacher, Vanessa, explained that singing helped express the emotions churning away inside. | Another friend took me singing at Questors, my local theatre. Our exuberant teacher, Vanessa, explained that singing helped express the emotions churning away inside. |
| Most of all, a silent hug has said more than any words, certainly more than some of the things people have chosen to say, such as: "We all think it could have been me." (But it wasn't.) | Most of all, a silent hug has said more than any words, certainly more than some of the things people have chosen to say, such as: "We all think it could have been me." (But it wasn't.) |
| And "I think of it first thing at night and last thing in the morning." (Only then, lucky you.) | And "I think of it first thing at night and last thing in the morning." (Only then, lucky you.) |
| And "Are you feeling any better?" | And "Are you feeling any better?" |
| We soon realised that we couldn't do it all on our own. It was a relief to find that there was an organisation that could help us - CRY, or Cardiac Risk in the Young. | We soon realised that we couldn't do it all on our own. It was a relief to find that there was an organisation that could help us - CRY, or Cardiac Risk in the Young. |
| They campaign to raise awareness of sudden death in young people from heart conditions, and also offer bereavement counselling which I have found helpful. Tom's friends did a fundraising walk in his memory | They campaign to raise awareness of sudden death in young people from heart conditions, and also offer bereavement counselling which I have found helpful. Tom's friends did a fundraising walk in his memory |
| And they organise an annual event walking over London's bridges to raise awareness. We were joined on a sunny July day by about 140 family and friends. | And they organise an annual event walking over London's bridges to raise awareness. We were joined on a sunny July day by about 140 family and friends. |
| I was impressed to see so many of Tom's teenage friends turn up bright and early on a Sunday morning. But seeing them is bittersweet, as they are at an age when they change rapidly, and it reminds me again of the life our son has lost. | I was impressed to see so many of Tom's teenage friends turn up bright and early on a Sunday morning. But seeing them is bittersweet, as they are at an age when they change rapidly, and it reminds me again of the life our son has lost. |
| The house is still too quiet: I haven't yet learnt to cope without that noisy boy of mine crashing through the door, throwing his school bag down and shouting out hello. | The house is still too quiet: I haven't yet learnt to cope without that noisy boy of mine crashing through the door, throwing his school bag down and shouting out hello. |
| The memories of the life Tom enjoyed are what sustain us. We will be dealing with his loss for the rest of our lives but I will always hear him in my head urging me to laugh and carry on. | The memories of the life Tom enjoyed are what sustain us. We will be dealing with his loss for the rest of our lives but I will always hear him in my head urging me to laugh and carry on. |
| Add your comments on this story, using the form below. | Add your comments on this story, using the form below. |