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| How to celebrate the Fourth of July if you can't deal with America right now | How to celebrate the Fourth of July if you can't deal with America right now |
| (1 day later) | |
| Every Fourth of July, Americans gather in yards and on rooftops, congregating around grills full of meat and coolers full of beer, wearing tank tops and sunglasses while potentially burning themselves with fireworks. They do these things to celebrate America. Yet according to data from the Pew Research Center, only a third of millennials consider America the greatest country in the world – a significant drop-off from gen-Xers (48%) and baby boomers (50%). | |
| This year in particular if feels as though there’s not that much to celebrate. Our trollish president has spent his first two long-feeling years in office alienating our allies and was just caught trying to goad Nato countries into paying him protection money like some kind of mob boss. On top of it all, Koko the gorilla, our greatest national treasure, is now dead. It’s enough to make you reassess the totality of our nation’s history and only think about the bad parts – of which there are many – and reach the perfectly reasonable conclusion that our country is not worth celebrating at all and never has been. | This year in particular if feels as though there’s not that much to celebrate. Our trollish president has spent his first two long-feeling years in office alienating our allies and was just caught trying to goad Nato countries into paying him protection money like some kind of mob boss. On top of it all, Koko the gorilla, our greatest national treasure, is now dead. It’s enough to make you reassess the totality of our nation’s history and only think about the bad parts – of which there are many – and reach the perfectly reasonable conclusion that our country is not worth celebrating at all and never has been. |
| This leaves us with quite the quandary: what’s a young person to do on America’s birthday when America itself isn’t much of a priority? | This leaves us with quite the quandary: what’s a young person to do on America’s birthday when America itself isn’t much of a priority? |
| If you have the Fourth of July off, you might as well put your free time to good use. For some people, that could mean dedicating the day to something bigger than themselves. Others may want to go about their Fourth in a more-or-less normal way while tweaking the particulars to subvert the holiday’s patriotism. Or perhaps you just want to slack off and have a slight reprieve from life in America for just one day. Here are some suggestions – some specific, some more general – as to how to accomplish all that. | If you have the Fourth of July off, you might as well put your free time to good use. For some people, that could mean dedicating the day to something bigger than themselves. Others may want to go about their Fourth in a more-or-less normal way while tweaking the particulars to subvert the holiday’s patriotism. Or perhaps you just want to slack off and have a slight reprieve from life in America for just one day. Here are some suggestions – some specific, some more general – as to how to accomplish all that. |
| Party to fight Ice | Party to fight Ice |
| It’s hot on the Fourth of July, and you know what melts in the heat? Ice. And, if you happen to be in Philly, you’ve also got a chance to help melt Ice, AKA Immigration and Customs Enforcement, whose Philadelphia branch is one of the most active – and actively protested – in the country. Head to Ortlieb’s in Philadelphia for a night of dancing to the smooth sounds of the local house DJ Steve J while donating to Juntos, a local Latinx immigrants’ rights group dedicated to resisting Ice from every angle. | |
| Go to a minor league baseball game | Go to a minor league baseball game |
| The greatest secret in all of sports is that minor league baseball games are way more fun than major league games. The tickets are cheap, the players are passionate, and all the teams have weird names like the New Orleans Baby Cakes and the Batavia Muckdogs. You can look up your local team here. Here’s hoping your club is wearing their special Jar Jar Binks jerseys or throwing a George Costanza Appreciation Night. | The greatest secret in all of sports is that minor league baseball games are way more fun than major league games. The tickets are cheap, the players are passionate, and all the teams have weird names like the New Orleans Baby Cakes and the Batavia Muckdogs. You can look up your local team here. Here’s hoping your club is wearing their special Jar Jar Binks jerseys or throwing a George Costanza Appreciation Night. |
| Have your own ‘Summer of George’ | |
| Speaking of the short, stocky bald man, you and some friends could always try to recreate the classic Seinfeld episode The Summer of George and hit your city’s disc golf (or, as George calls it, “frolf”) course. For bonus points, bring along a cooler full of the Summer of George cocktail, a variation of the mai tai that incorporates St George liqueur. (Also, if you do this, please drink lots of water, as it will be very hot out and mai tais are known to be dehydrating.) | Speaking of the short, stocky bald man, you and some friends could always try to recreate the classic Seinfeld episode The Summer of George and hit your city’s disc golf (or, as George calls it, “frolf”) course. For bonus points, bring along a cooler full of the Summer of George cocktail, a variation of the mai tai that incorporates St George liqueur. (Also, if you do this, please drink lots of water, as it will be very hot out and mai tais are known to be dehydrating.) |
| Eat pickled eggs until you puke | Eat pickled eggs until you puke |
| According to data from the Freelancers Union, 47% of millennials are freelance workers, and by 2027, freelancers of all ages will make up a majority of the American workforce. And when you’re freelancing, you can’t always afford to give yourself the day off. One way around this problem, if you’re in the Austin, Texas, area: you’ve got an opportunity to make $250 in five minutes. There is a catch, however, and that catch is you’re going to have to go to the Haymaker on Manor Road eat a horrifying number of pickled eggs. The Haymaker’s Fourth of July Pickled Egg Eating Contest sounds like the exact sort of zany fun that this holiday was made for. | According to data from the Freelancers Union, 47% of millennials are freelance workers, and by 2027, freelancers of all ages will make up a majority of the American workforce. And when you’re freelancing, you can’t always afford to give yourself the day off. One way around this problem, if you’re in the Austin, Texas, area: you’ve got an opportunity to make $250 in five minutes. There is a catch, however, and that catch is you’re going to have to go to the Haymaker on Manor Road eat a horrifying number of pickled eggs. The Haymaker’s Fourth of July Pickled Egg Eating Contest sounds like the exact sort of zany fun that this holiday was made for. |
| Get extremely high while playing bingo | Get extremely high while playing bingo |
| If you hadn’t heard, weed is legal in Colorado, which means that businesses can take any ostensibly boring activity, introduce marijuana into the equation, and – presto! – have a goofily fun event for the masses. That’s the idea behind CannaBingo at Colorado Springs’ Studio A64, a bar-like “cannabis club” where alcohol is switched out for the sticky icky stuff, and bingo transforms from a yawner of a game into a sisyphean gauntlet of giggle-filled confusion. If the Fourth of July is a day where you can pretend to be retired for 24 hours, you might as well smoke some ganja and do retired-people stuff. | |
| Volunteer at an animal shelter | Volunteer at an animal shelter |
| You might have the day off, but you know who doesn’t? The millions of very good dogs and cats stuck in America’s animal shelters waiting to be adopted. Literally all of them would very much like to hang out with you on this wonderful Fourth of July. Even if you can’t adopt or foster one yourself, you can head to an adoption center near you and spend the day helping to socialize the animals so they can learn how to become the furry friends in a forever-home that they were meant to be. | You might have the day off, but you know who doesn’t? The millions of very good dogs and cats stuck in America’s animal shelters waiting to be adopted. Literally all of them would very much like to hang out with you on this wonderful Fourth of July. Even if you can’t adopt or foster one yourself, you can head to an adoption center near you and spend the day helping to socialize the animals so they can learn how to become the furry friends in a forever-home that they were meant to be. |
| Have an anti-corporate BBQ | Have an anti-corporate BBQ |
| It’s totally understandable that, despite how much of a dumpster fire you feel America is at the moment, you might want to do the standard-issue Fourth of July stuff for reasons that have nothing at all to do with America itself. In which case, perhaps consider hosting a barbecue serving co-op-purchased food (find a co-op near you by clicking here) while slamming beers from employee-owned breweries and blasting this playlist of anti-capitalist jams. | It’s totally understandable that, despite how much of a dumpster fire you feel America is at the moment, you might want to do the standard-issue Fourth of July stuff for reasons that have nothing at all to do with America itself. In which case, perhaps consider hosting a barbecue serving co-op-purchased food (find a co-op near you by clicking here) while slamming beers from employee-owned breweries and blasting this playlist of anti-capitalist jams. |
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