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| Why do you want to work for us? You asked Google – here’s the answer | Why do you want to work for us? You asked Google – here’s the answer |
| (7 months later) | |
| Of all the questions flung your way during the stultifying horror that is a job interview, the question whose premise most seductively invites you to lie is: “Why do you want to work for us?” The question bats its eyelids as soft jazz filters in from the background. “You can be whoever you want,” it whispers. “So who you gonna be?” | Of all the questions flung your way during the stultifying horror that is a job interview, the question whose premise most seductively invites you to lie is: “Why do you want to work for us?” The question bats its eyelids as soft jazz filters in from the background. “You can be whoever you want,” it whispers. “So who you gonna be?” |
| Up to this point your attempts to bullshit would have been ill-advised in the extreme: tell an interviewer you have a master’s in Portuguese and you’ll come unstuck in your first Skype call to Almada; tell them you can do a handstand and get ready to smash one if not several tumblers of water; but tell a potential employer that you want to work for them because the first thing you said as a baby was their company slogan, and you’ll be driving around in the chief executive’s golf buggy before you can say: “Did that baby just say, ‘Lloyds TSB: for the journey’?” | Up to this point your attempts to bullshit would have been ill-advised in the extreme: tell an interviewer you have a master’s in Portuguese and you’ll come unstuck in your first Skype call to Almada; tell them you can do a handstand and get ready to smash one if not several tumblers of water; but tell a potential employer that you want to work for them because the first thing you said as a baby was their company slogan, and you’ll be driving around in the chief executive’s golf buggy before you can say: “Did that baby just say, ‘Lloyds TSB: for the journey’?” |
| Four top tips for job interview success | |
| Nestled in the premise of the question “Why do you want to work for us?” is an assumption that, for many who trudge along to job interviews, is erroneous in the first place. “Do you want to work for us?” however, is unlikely to trip up anyone but a colossal pillock. So, as with the great majority of human interactions, both sides simply indulge each other, the entire operation carried out with a wink that lasts 20 minutes. Interviews are extraordinary phenomena in this sense. Like an episode of Would I Lie to You?, but without the laughter, they favour those capable of looking into the eyes of other adults and talking total bollocks with conviction. | Nestled in the premise of the question “Why do you want to work for us?” is an assumption that, for many who trudge along to job interviews, is erroneous in the first place. “Do you want to work for us?” however, is unlikely to trip up anyone but a colossal pillock. So, as with the great majority of human interactions, both sides simply indulge each other, the entire operation carried out with a wink that lasts 20 minutes. Interviews are extraordinary phenomena in this sense. Like an episode of Would I Lie to You?, but without the laughter, they favour those capable of looking into the eyes of other adults and talking total bollocks with conviction. |
| Everyone is able to talk bollocks for a while but we are all conscious of our limits. I once tried to convince two Oxford University Press interviewers – and myself – that after three years at university, what had interested me most about my degree in English with creative writing was the fascinating issue of rights and permissions. I can all too easily recall my words slowly drowning under the leaden weight of their lies; the sense of shame I felt at having betrayed my faithful degree; and the sympathetic look the interviewers gave me as they mentally struck my name off the list, mentally went to have coffee, and mentally said: “I’m glad I’m not a 21-year-old arts graduate looking for work.” We don’t appreciate it at the time but our inability to lie often saves us from years in jobs we would be doomed to loathe. Our bodies realise what is happening and emit warning signs. “Do not hire me,” the signs tell the interviewers. “Please take heed of the sheer quantity of sweat I am producing.” | Everyone is able to talk bollocks for a while but we are all conscious of our limits. I once tried to convince two Oxford University Press interviewers – and myself – that after three years at university, what had interested me most about my degree in English with creative writing was the fascinating issue of rights and permissions. I can all too easily recall my words slowly drowning under the leaden weight of their lies; the sense of shame I felt at having betrayed my faithful degree; and the sympathetic look the interviewers gave me as they mentally struck my name off the list, mentally went to have coffee, and mentally said: “I’m glad I’m not a 21-year-old arts graduate looking for work.” We don’t appreciate it at the time but our inability to lie often saves us from years in jobs we would be doomed to loathe. Our bodies realise what is happening and emit warning signs. “Do not hire me,” the signs tell the interviewers. “Please take heed of the sheer quantity of sweat I am producing.” |
| Don’t panic if you need a job, but feel uncomfortable uttering alternative facts. If you don’t back yourself to concoct a lie about how you have perfect dreams in which you unveil your bride on your wedding day to see that her face is the logo of the company you’re applying to work for, other options are available to you. Should a prospective employer ask you the question “Why do you want to work for us?” one option is to shake your head gently, raise a finger to your lips, and say: “What you should be asking is, why would I not want to work for you?” Try committing to this with a Kanye Westian level of self-assurance; your interviewer will be unable to resist standing up, clapping you on the back, and saying: “Get out, you’re an idiot.” | Don’t panic if you need a job, but feel uncomfortable uttering alternative facts. If you don’t back yourself to concoct a lie about how you have perfect dreams in which you unveil your bride on your wedding day to see that her face is the logo of the company you’re applying to work for, other options are available to you. Should a prospective employer ask you the question “Why do you want to work for us?” one option is to shake your head gently, raise a finger to your lips, and say: “What you should be asking is, why would I not want to work for you?” Try committing to this with a Kanye Westian level of self-assurance; your interviewer will be unable to resist standing up, clapping you on the back, and saying: “Get out, you’re an idiot.” |
| 10 things not to say in a job interview | |
| Given that an important objective in any interview is simply to be remembered, another option is to respond to “Why do you want to work for us?” with an interpretative dance. As you slap your bare chest, leap onto the table, and begin to honk “Work work work work work” like an enormous goose. Your interviewer might not agree with you but they won’t be able to accuse you of lacking initiative. | Given that an important objective in any interview is simply to be remembered, another option is to respond to “Why do you want to work for us?” with an interpretative dance. As you slap your bare chest, leap onto the table, and begin to honk “Work work work work work” like an enormous goose. Your interviewer might not agree with you but they won’t be able to accuse you of lacking initiative. |
| The truth, as with everything about job interviews, is messy. You might be so desperate to work for a company you are unable to articulate it; you may want to work for a company for one reason but find, once you’ve been in the job for a month, that the reason has morphed into something altogether different; you might go for an interview to be the next head of interpretative dance but embarrass yourself by failing to leap onto the table and honk like a goose. | The truth, as with everything about job interviews, is messy. You might be so desperate to work for a company you are unable to articulate it; you may want to work for a company for one reason but find, once you’ve been in the job for a month, that the reason has morphed into something altogether different; you might go for an interview to be the next head of interpretative dance but embarrass yourself by failing to leap onto the table and honk like a goose. |
| If there were a fail-safe answer that could always be applied in response to this devilish question, the question would never be asked. If the clock is ticking and words are failing you, lean back and in a booming voice quote Shakespeare at them: “No profit grows where no pleasure is taken.” They’ll love that. | If there were a fail-safe answer that could always be applied in response to this devilish question, the question would never be asked. If the clock is ticking and words are failing you, lean back and in a booming voice quote Shakespeare at them: “No profit grows where no pleasure is taken.” They’ll love that. |
| • Ralph Jones is a staff writer for ShortList magazine | • Ralph Jones is a staff writer for ShortList magazine |
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