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| Men-only parties are loud, uncouth and vomit-soaked. So why do we love them? | Men-only parties are loud, uncouth and vomit-soaked. So why do we love them? |
| (10 days later) | |
| Two of my best friends are getting married this year! Congratulations guys! And what does that mean for me, other than an increased ability to raise the levels of tinnitus in my eardrums whenever they talk about anything related to marriage? Stag dos of course! Whoo! Drinking! Banter! Lads! Ladsladsladsladslads. Finally some safe space for us men to release ourselves from society’s shackles and do whatever we like – just fellas, no women! Phew! | Two of my best friends are getting married this year! Congratulations guys! And what does that mean for me, other than an increased ability to raise the levels of tinnitus in my eardrums whenever they talk about anything related to marriage? Stag dos of course! Whoo! Drinking! Banter! Lads! Ladsladsladsladslads. Finally some safe space for us men to release ourselves from society’s shackles and do whatever we like – just fellas, no women! Phew! |
| I’ve never actually been on a stag before, being from a generation that takes a Goldilocks-esque “just right” approach to marriage. But if they’re anything like what happens on lads’ holidays and nights out, then there’ll basically just be loads of A) alcohol, B) boyish vulgarity and C) clunky male bonding via the mediums of A and B. Loud, uncouth and annoying? Yes, but also usually harmless, unless you live next door to the Airbnb they’re staying in. | I’ve never actually been on a stag before, being from a generation that takes a Goldilocks-esque “just right” approach to marriage. But if they’re anything like what happens on lads’ holidays and nights out, then there’ll basically just be loads of A) alcohol, B) boyish vulgarity and C) clunky male bonding via the mediums of A and B. Loud, uncouth and annoying? Yes, but also usually harmless, unless you live next door to the Airbnb they’re staying in. |
| There are behaviours that we have – men and women – that we allow or embellish when solely in the presence of our own gender | There are behaviours that we have – men and women – that we allow or embellish when solely in the presence of our own gender |
| It’s similar in many ways to Presidents Club, the men-only black tie charity dinner attended by all sorts of rich, powerful but also – since the Financial Times article was published – apparently forgetful or oblivious men. Similar in that there’s loads of alcohol and men being loud, uncouth and annoying. But not similar in how that particular men-only event seems to be a vehicle for some said rich and powerful men to sexually harass its female hostesses at their caprice. | It’s similar in many ways to Presidents Club, the men-only black tie charity dinner attended by all sorts of rich, powerful but also – since the Financial Times article was published – apparently forgetful or oblivious men. Similar in that there’s loads of alcohol and men being loud, uncouth and annoying. But not similar in how that particular men-only event seems to be a vehicle for some said rich and powerful men to sexually harass its female hostesses at their caprice. |
| What’s that? Rich and powerful men, when their behaviour is left unchallenged, will end up sexually assaulting women? Well, that’s certainly news to me, being the kind of man I am that likes to live under rocks. And it has certainly been news to plenty of other men, not least David Walliams – the host for the evening who left at 11.30pm – who was “absolutely appalled” to learn that men have been sexually harassing women on a regular basis. | What’s that? Rich and powerful men, when their behaviour is left unchallenged, will end up sexually assaulting women? Well, that’s certainly news to me, being the kind of man I am that likes to live under rocks. And it has certainly been news to plenty of other men, not least David Walliams – the host for the evening who left at 11.30pm – who was “absolutely appalled” to learn that men have been sexually harassing women on a regular basis. |
| But why do us men, whether in the 1% or 99% of society, feel the need to have these single-gender spaces? Why do men, from my experience, seem more at ease socialising with other men rather than women? Anything I say about manhood will obviously be a generalisation, there being roughly four billion of us, but we seem to have a tendency from a young age to only feel truly comfortable when with other men, to treat women as “other”. As wives or a thigh to grope, as girlfriends or “sluts”, or more classically, as madonnas or whores. | But why do us men, whether in the 1% or 99% of society, feel the need to have these single-gender spaces? Why do men, from my experience, seem more at ease socialising with other men rather than women? Anything I say about manhood will obviously be a generalisation, there being roughly four billion of us, but we seem to have a tendency from a young age to only feel truly comfortable when with other men, to treat women as “other”. As wives or a thigh to grope, as girlfriends or “sluts”, or more classically, as madonnas or whores. |
| It’s a mentality that’s not massively conducive to making platonic female friends – the very type of friends that would help men to understand the kinds of sexual assault that occur all around them. If a man saw another man getting attacked by customers at a bar or restaurant, more often than not he’d step in, chest puffed out, to do something about it. And although many valiant knights like Giles Coren would do the same for women, it is clear from the Presidents Club revelations that when women are subjected to intimidating behaviour, it is readily dismissed as “boys being boys”. | It’s a mentality that’s not massively conducive to making platonic female friends – the very type of friends that would help men to understand the kinds of sexual assault that occur all around them. If a man saw another man getting attacked by customers at a bar or restaurant, more often than not he’d step in, chest puffed out, to do something about it. And although many valiant knights like Giles Coren would do the same for women, it is clear from the Presidents Club revelations that when women are subjected to intimidating behaviour, it is readily dismissed as “boys being boys”. |
| There has been much outrage and shock, sure (because who would think these kinds of things would happen at what one speaker allegedly crowned “The most un-PC night of the year”?) but there remains a lingering, grumbling bassline of “the women knew what they were getting into”, and “things have always been this way and will never change”. | There has been much outrage and shock, sure (because who would think these kinds of things would happen at what one speaker allegedly crowned “The most un-PC night of the year”?) but there remains a lingering, grumbling bassline of “the women knew what they were getting into”, and “things have always been this way and will never change”. |
| The kind of men that are able to attend these events are used to having little to no accountability for their actions. Their influence and money means they’re used to being treated with an almost infallible reverence. So when you put all of these disgustingly large egos in one room, throw in some non-disclosure agreements and a mobile phone ban, what you are left with is that toxic combination of men-only culture and power that has allowed Harvey Weinstein to go unchecked for years and Donald Trump to become the most powerful man in the world. | The kind of men that are able to attend these events are used to having little to no accountability for their actions. Their influence and money means they’re used to being treated with an almost infallible reverence. So when you put all of these disgustingly large egos in one room, throw in some non-disclosure agreements and a mobile phone ban, what you are left with is that toxic combination of men-only culture and power that has allowed Harvey Weinstein to go unchecked for years and Donald Trump to become the most powerful man in the world. |
| But to say that men-only spaces are inherently wrong seems reductive in the extreme. If anything single-gender spaces offer positive and necessary breathing space for both men and women. Do any of my female friends want to spend four days with 15 blokes whose only source of humour is drinking until they throw up? Probably not. But for some unfathomable and probably unhealthy masculine reason deeply embedded within me, I do. | But to say that men-only spaces are inherently wrong seems reductive in the extreme. If anything single-gender spaces offer positive and necessary breathing space for both men and women. Do any of my female friends want to spend four days with 15 blokes whose only source of humour is drinking until they throw up? Probably not. But for some unfathomable and probably unhealthy masculine reason deeply embedded within me, I do. |
| There are behaviours that we have – men and women – that we allow or embellish when solely in the presence of our own gender. This doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Patriarchy damages all of us, and the freedom from the other gender’s judgment, whether perceived or real, can be a necessary release. | There are behaviours that we have – men and women – that we allow or embellish when solely in the presence of our own gender. This doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Patriarchy damages all of us, and the freedom from the other gender’s judgment, whether perceived or real, can be a necessary release. |
| For men, growing up being taught to socialise via sports, drinking and much else, it’s instinctive for many of us to want to feel part of a team, a squad, a crew. That doesn’t have to be a bad thing – the occasional stag do does nobody any harm. However, it does become a problem when it is normal, and accepted, for those teams, squads and crews to only ever include men. | For men, growing up being taught to socialise via sports, drinking and much else, it’s instinctive for many of us to want to feel part of a team, a squad, a crew. That doesn’t have to be a bad thing – the occasional stag do does nobody any harm. However, it does become a problem when it is normal, and accepted, for those teams, squads and crews to only ever include men. |
| • Tom Usher is a freelance journalist | • Tom Usher is a freelance journalist |