Has #MeToo Gone Too Far?

https://www.nytimes.com/2018/01/13/opinion/sunday/metoo-sexual-harassment.html

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To the Editor:

Re “Misgivings About #MeToo” (Op-Ed, Jan. 6):

I have misgivings about Daphne Merkin’s indictment of the movement. Based on conversations with “women I know,” she blames accusers for “an inquisitorial whiff in the air” and worries that feminist demands for professional treatment in the workplace will result in “the re-moralization of sex,” and a return “to a victimology paradigm.” She quotes a friend, “What ever happened to flirting?”

No doubt she agrees that when a photography professor rams his penis into an unwilling young student’s mouth, that student is a victim of his act, and he is not merely “expressing sexual interest”; he’s a predator.

And when a woman arrives for a work meeting to find her boss naked, demanding a massage, or masturbating, she’s not “stripping sex of eros” by filing a claim against him; she’s resisting a superior’s selfish erotic demands and asserting her bodily integrity.

This is an odd moment for Ms. Merkin to ask, “What happened to women’s agency?” Though squelched all these years by men who have benefited from unchallenged patriarchal norms, women’s agency is alive and well right now in every courageous woman (and man) who has come forward to speak truth to power.

LETTY COTTIN POGREBINNEW YORK

The writer is a founding editor of Ms. magazine.

To the Editor:

For too long, probably forever, women have endured horrific abuse at work. Yet, until the recent flood of public accusations, no one suspected the extent of the problem. I would argue that women needed these last months to gather courage and speak out. And society needed time to absorb all the suffering and injustice and to express its outrage.

Now, however, the time has come, as Daphne Merkin suggests, to question our reflexive responses. What constitutes abuse, and are there degrees of it? Should we take historical context into account when determining its severity? What punishments are appropriate for different degrees of abuse? Is redemption possible?

And we need to redefine roles and rules at work, in relationships and beyond. Only then can we establish boundaries that are safe, respectful and comfortable for both sexes.

ELIZA MIGDAL, BROOKLYN

To the Editor:

I’m a 28-year-old from London, and Daphne Merkin’s article came as a relief to me.

As a recent survivor of rape, I have felt infuriated and confused by the laziness in the language of the topic, all too often conflating the life-changing event of being raped with an unpleasant but largely forgettable event like being patted on the knee.

To lump together sexual assault and sexual harassment is to draw focus away from the victim. Indeed, it is another symptom of a society so obsessed with patriarchy that even within one of the widest social movements in modern history (#MeToo), a fixation with men is the driving force.

LUCY HALL, LONDON

To the Editor:

Daphne Merkin claims that women she knows are saying “grow up, this is real life” and “what ever happened to flirting?” What would be the condition of women today if we had accepted as real life the longstanding oppressions and disenfranchisement of women that existed a mere century ago?

Most of the accusations that have been reported have involved forced sexual contact. And she must know some very brave women who, she says, have “taken the risk” that comes with rejecting sexual advances in the workplace.

She seems to confuse sexual interest with affection: “Is kissing someone in affection, however inappropriately … necessarily predatory behavior?” Most adult women have learned that sexual interest and affection are often birds of a very different feather.

SYLVIA STAUBSPRINGFIELD, MASS.

To the Editor:

Daphne Merkin worries that the #MeToo movement is imparting to young women a “victimology paradigm in which they are perceived — and perceive themselves to be — as frail as Victorian housewives.” I believe that the movement is doing the opposite: empowering women, including me, to interrogate power with the support of other women.

Saying “back off” to a man’s inappropriate advances is often fraught with consequences — the loss of a job perhaps, or the tarnishing of a reputation.

When men hold most of the power, it’s naïve to think that women aren’t all vulnerable. That doesn’t mean that we need to be shrinking violets, but it does mean that acting as an individual is less effective than acting collectively.

Nancy Reagan’s “just say no” antidrug campaign was ineffective because it ignored the larger forces that make people say yes. Similarly, encouraging individual women to “just say no” to a man’s sexual advances ignores the context in which the balance of power is heavily skewed against them.

CAI EMMONS, EUGENE, ORE.

To the Editor:

The nuances that Daphne Merkin sees in levels of harassment, assault and rape do not mean that the victimized person does not realize a lifelong impact from such actions.

With that in mind, I offer the following: Humanity is a strange, fragile, stark, gentle, brutal, courageous, beautiful thing. Those humans who would deny others respect and dignity — even in the name of humor — must ultimately lose a measure of their own.

Perhaps each of us needs to ask whether our words, actions and omissions are beneficial or destructive. That is a standard we can all apply.

MARCIA PETERSONOBERLIN, OHIO

To the Editor:

I am one of those women on the “supermarket lines” sick of this Salem witch hunt. Having worked in the so-called man’s world for my entire career, I, too, experienced various degrees of inappropriate behavior. I just made sure that the best man for the job was a woman: this woman.

STELLA SCHINDLER, NEW YORK

The writer is a retired judge.

To the Editor:

While Daphne Merkin shares her concerns that the #MeToo movement might put a damper on office “flirting” and devolve into an “outright witch hunt,” I have other concerns.

During my career, I have lost both minimum-wage jobs as a youth and six-figure contracts as a public relations professional simply because I refused to have sex with my boss or client. While some of these men touched me inappropriately while propositioning me, most did not, but the result was the same: I lost valuable income.

There was no flirting going on; these were married men who were exerting their power to have sex with me, and when I declined, I lost my job.

Ms. Merkin contends that “expressing sexual interest is inherently messy” and could lead to confusion in the workplace. In my experience, there is no such confusion. These men know exactly what’s going on, and they wield their power to get their way.

And unless women are willing to challenge these assaults and fight back, we will continue to be victimized.

MARY ANN BOHRERPITTSBURGH

To the Editor:

Sexual harassment does not require a degree of hostility, but rather a belief that it’s harmless, engendered by the age-old concept that boys will be boys, regardless of their age. This belief can evolve into something hostile and rancid, resulting in truly heinous behavior, but for many boys and men it provides the rationale that it’s O.K. to act on normal desires without consideration of what their female counterparts want.

The real hostility here is in Daphne Merkin’s contempt for women who don’t just say no, as she and her friends have done. (I have always been able to say no.) But to have the expectation that every girl, ingénue or grown woman has that ability is to demonstrate a complete lack of understanding of the trauma of victimization and its long-term effects.

We do need to differentiate among sexual behaviors and the appropriate response to them. An Al Franken is not the same as a Harvey Weinstein, but neither should he get a pass because he’s not as bad.

JESSE ALLEN, SANTA FE, N.M.

The writer is a retired psychotherapist who specialized in trauma.