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You can find the current article at its original source at https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2018/jan/11/i-forgot-that-i-used-to-love-him-readers-on-having-parents-in-prison
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| 'I forgot that I used to love him': readers on having parents in prison | 'I forgot that I used to love him': readers on having parents in prison |
| (4 days later) | |
| A scheme in Wales allows prisoners to keep up to date with how their children are doing. We asked you how it felt to have a parent behind bars | |
| Guardian readers and | |
| Rachel Obordo | |
| Thu 11 Jan 2018 10.00 GMT | |
| Last modified on Thu 11 Jan 2018 10.13 GMT | |
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| Inmates at a prison in Wales have been able to keep track of their children’s school progress as part of a scheme to help maintain family relationships during their incarceration. We asked readers to tell us how they felt when their parents were imprisoned and how this changed their relationship. | Inmates at a prison in Wales have been able to keep track of their children’s school progress as part of a scheme to help maintain family relationships during their incarceration. We asked readers to tell us how they felt when their parents were imprisoned and how this changed their relationship. |
| Leigh, Wales: I felt ashamed when friends talked about their ‘normal’ parents | Leigh, Wales: I felt ashamed when friends talked about their ‘normal’ parents |
| I was nine when my mother went to prison for burglary. She was in a relationship with an abusive man who had been diagnosed as a sociopath. One night, she and her partner broke into the local newsagents to fund their drug habit and I went to live with my grandparents and my younger siblings were taken into care. No interventions were made to support my relationship with my mother or my siblings and things have never improved. | I was nine when my mother went to prison for burglary. She was in a relationship with an abusive man who had been diagnosed as a sociopath. One night, she and her partner broke into the local newsagents to fund their drug habit and I went to live with my grandparents and my younger siblings were taken into care. No interventions were made to support my relationship with my mother or my siblings and things have never improved. |
| I felt ashamed when I listened to school friends talk about their “normal” parents. I did not want to see my mother in prison as in my mind a prison was a big scary place. I just wanted to feel safe in my grandparents’ home. An intervention to improve my mother’s parenting skills, how to empathise with children and to show love and affection would have helped back then. I am so glad that this intervention is going on in Wales and feel it will benefit the children and hopefully stop reoffending rates. | I felt ashamed when I listened to school friends talk about their “normal” parents. I did not want to see my mother in prison as in my mind a prison was a big scary place. I just wanted to feel safe in my grandparents’ home. An intervention to improve my mother’s parenting skills, how to empathise with children and to show love and affection would have helped back then. I am so glad that this intervention is going on in Wales and feel it will benefit the children and hopefully stop reoffending rates. |
| Jane, Nottingham: I don’t remember what my relationship was like with my father and I think I am glad | Jane, Nottingham: I don’t remember what my relationship was like with my father and I think I am glad |
| I was 17 when my father went to prison for attempted rape and several accounts of child sexual abuse. His victims included my siblings and I. My brain has blocked out a lot of what happened at the time but I remember that we weren’t allowed to visit him and letters had to be very upbeat. I remember my mum feeling like she was punished too because of what he did. I remember my sister was very traumatised and my brother was very young so, as the eldest, I felt I had to be strong. We were not offered counselling and I developed depression later in life. | I was 17 when my father went to prison for attempted rape and several accounts of child sexual abuse. His victims included my siblings and I. My brain has blocked out a lot of what happened at the time but I remember that we weren’t allowed to visit him and letters had to be very upbeat. I remember my mum feeling like she was punished too because of what he did. I remember my sister was very traumatised and my brother was very young so, as the eldest, I felt I had to be strong. We were not offered counselling and I developed depression later in life. |
| I don’t remember what my relationship was like with him when he was imprisoned and I think I am glad. I trust my brain to tell me when and if it’s ready to remember. My dad killed himself in prison to avoid going to court. My family is entirely fragmented because of what he did. Some of the family were in denial about it and there was a lot of blame and recriminations. I often think it is good that neither my sister nor brother or I had children, so my dad’s genes will not be reproduced. I have no doubt he was abused too and so we have broken the cycle. | I don’t remember what my relationship was like with him when he was imprisoned and I think I am glad. I trust my brain to tell me when and if it’s ready to remember. My dad killed himself in prison to avoid going to court. My family is entirely fragmented because of what he did. Some of the family were in denial about it and there was a lot of blame and recriminations. I often think it is good that neither my sister nor brother or I had children, so my dad’s genes will not be reproduced. I have no doubt he was abused too and so we have broken the cycle. |
| Ben, Surrey: The relationship was limited because you cannot talk about much in letters and occasional visits | Ben, Surrey: The relationship was limited because you cannot talk about much in letters and occasional visits |
| My father was jailed for fraud and money laundering when I was 12. When a relative told me the news I was not surprised at first. Several days later when it sunk in I began to cry. For the first half of his sentence, we wrote letters to him and visited him. The relationship was limited because you cannot talk about much in small letters and occasional visits. When he had home visits he wanted to escape his troubles so drank into oblivion, and was not able to remember or comprehend anything during that time. | My father was jailed for fraud and money laundering when I was 12. When a relative told me the news I was not surprised at first. Several days later when it sunk in I began to cry. For the first half of his sentence, we wrote letters to him and visited him. The relationship was limited because you cannot talk about much in small letters and occasional visits. When he had home visits he wanted to escape his troubles so drank into oblivion, and was not able to remember or comprehend anything during that time. |
| When you have lived many years without someone in your household, it is very odd to let them back in. When he was released he felt like a stranger. Money and the lack of relatable topics to talk about made it worse. He had no stories to tell apart from nightmarish prison stories I was too young to hear. He relapsed into drinking to the point he was hospitalised. I don’t think there’s anything that could have changed our relationship, it was being away all the time that left us broken as a family. | When you have lived many years without someone in your household, it is very odd to let them back in. When he was released he felt like a stranger. Money and the lack of relatable topics to talk about made it worse. He had no stories to tell apart from nightmarish prison stories I was too young to hear. He relapsed into drinking to the point he was hospitalised. I don’t think there’s anything that could have changed our relationship, it was being away all the time that left us broken as a family. |
| Karl, Bolton: I didn’t really feel anything; I’d forgotten that I used to love him | Karl, Bolton: I didn’t really feel anything; I’d forgotten that I used to love him |
| I was nine when my dad went to prison for arson. He was an alcoholic and my mum left him when I was two. I saw him once a week for about a year and I remember this is the only time I ever loved him. Then his alcoholism took over and he was in and out of the nick until I was 15. I didn’t really feel anything; I’d essentially forgotten that I used to love him by then as we had a virtually non-existent relationship. | I was nine when my dad went to prison for arson. He was an alcoholic and my mum left him when I was two. I saw him once a week for about a year and I remember this is the only time I ever loved him. Then his alcoholism took over and he was in and out of the nick until I was 15. I didn’t really feel anything; I’d essentially forgotten that I used to love him by then as we had a virtually non-existent relationship. |
| He would sometimes write rambling letters that I now realise were the result of drugs. I was never taken to see him and after a while he overdosed after developing a habit inside. What a wasted life. Looking back, I wish he had more access to drug and alcohol counselling. He wanted a relationship with me, but was too addicted to change. I would also like to see a blended delivery method of educational courses for convicts to access during social time with self-paced activities for their time inside. This way we would be able to save lives. | He would sometimes write rambling letters that I now realise were the result of drugs. I was never taken to see him and after a while he overdosed after developing a habit inside. What a wasted life. Looking back, I wish he had more access to drug and alcohol counselling. He wanted a relationship with me, but was too addicted to change. I would also like to see a blended delivery method of educational courses for convicts to access during social time with self-paced activities for their time inside. This way we would be able to save lives. |
| Some names have been changed | Some names have been changed |
| Prisons and probation | |
| Opinion | |
| Parents and parenting | |
| Family | |
| UK criminal justice | |
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