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| Why am I single? You asked Google – here’s the answer | Why am I single? You asked Google – here’s the answer |
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| Wed 10 Jan 2018 08.00 GMT | |
| Last modified on Wed 10 Jan 2018 08.02 GMT | |
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| It’s easy to blame yourself. But I recommend blaming Plato. After all, he was the one who alerted humans to a “lack” of an “other half”, all the way back in about 400BC, so setting into motion a sense of maudlin shortcoming that has stalked the non-partnered every New Year since. | It’s easy to blame yourself. But I recommend blaming Plato. After all, he was the one who alerted humans to a “lack” of an “other half”, all the way back in about 400BC, so setting into motion a sense of maudlin shortcoming that has stalked the non-partnered every New Year since. |
| After a festive period spent watching other couples and family units feast, snog, and fight their way through to 1 January, it’s easy to feel ever more keenly your lack of a partner. But the truth is there are 17 million singletons in the UK, roughly one in three of the adult population. With numbers that high, disabuse yourself of the notion you’re either too unattractive or unlovable to be coupled up, and instead consider the following. | After a festive period spent watching other couples and family units feast, snog, and fight their way through to 1 January, it’s easy to feel ever more keenly your lack of a partner. But the truth is there are 17 million singletons in the UK, roughly one in three of the adult population. With numbers that high, disabuse yourself of the notion you’re either too unattractive or unlovable to be coupled up, and instead consider the following. |
| You don’t meet enough prospective partners | You don’t meet enough prospective partners |
| If you want to meet someone, it’s a truism that you won’t meet anyone staying home alone. And yet paradoxically, you can be so busy that you actually scupper your own opportunity. Whether through overwork, travel, other commitments, or simply a social group that doesn’t include enough opportunities to meet other units of one, it’s more common than ever to be constantly socialising but forging no genuine connections. You might be perfectly happy with this situation, in which case you know why you’re single and that there’s no problem in need of a solution. | If you want to meet someone, it’s a truism that you won’t meet anyone staying home alone. And yet paradoxically, you can be so busy that you actually scupper your own opportunity. Whether through overwork, travel, other commitments, or simply a social group that doesn’t include enough opportunities to meet other units of one, it’s more common than ever to be constantly socialising but forging no genuine connections. You might be perfectly happy with this situation, in which case you know why you’re single and that there’s no problem in need of a solution. |
| It’s easy to fall back on the idea you’ll meet someone ‘when the time is right', but you have to prioritise the looking | It’s easy to fall back on the idea you’ll meet someone ‘when the time is right', but you have to prioritise the looking |
| But otherwise, while it’s easy to fall back on the idea you’ll meet someone “when the time is right”, the reality is you have to prioritise the looking – sometimes ruthlessly – if you want to find a partner. That could mean making sure you leave the office on time twice a week to go on a date, or to an activity with friends where there’s a chance of chatting to others. And watch out for the blind spots. If you socialise only at a weekly brunch with coupled-up friends each Saturday, at least ask them if they have any recommendations of people they could introduce you to. | But otherwise, while it’s easy to fall back on the idea you’ll meet someone “when the time is right”, the reality is you have to prioritise the looking – sometimes ruthlessly – if you want to find a partner. That could mean making sure you leave the office on time twice a week to go on a date, or to an activity with friends where there’s a chance of chatting to others. And watch out for the blind spots. If you socialise only at a weekly brunch with coupled-up friends each Saturday, at least ask them if they have any recommendations of people they could introduce you to. |
| You have misgivings about relationships, which you have rebranded as ‘pickiness’ | You have misgivings about relationships, which you have rebranded as ‘pickiness’ |
| Despite the fact that most of us have been burned at some point along the relationship road, not so many of us like to admit to it, especially if we were on the receiving end of infidelity or abusive behaviour. In any event, it’s entirely human to have one’s confidence knocked and to proceed with caution going back into the fray. What’s trickier is if you deny the past and repackage your current status as evidence of your high standards rather than your understandable insecurities. | Despite the fact that most of us have been burned at some point along the relationship road, not so many of us like to admit to it, especially if we were on the receiving end of infidelity or abusive behaviour. In any event, it’s entirely human to have one’s confidence knocked and to proceed with caution going back into the fray. What’s trickier is if you deny the past and repackage your current status as evidence of your high standards rather than your understandable insecurities. |
| Whether it’s an attraction to bad boys or a fixation on unobtainable girls, many people would do well to have higher standards for themselves when it comes to dating. Given that nobody is perfect, it’s worth writing down the five vital qualities you’re looking for in a partner and focusing on those alone when potentials come into view. | Whether it’s an attraction to bad boys or a fixation on unobtainable girls, many people would do well to have higher standards for themselves when it comes to dating. Given that nobody is perfect, it’s worth writing down the five vital qualities you’re looking for in a partner and focusing on those alone when potentials come into view. |
| You don’t subscribe to the standard relationship model | You don’t subscribe to the standard relationship model |
| Since the notion of romantic love took amorous embrace of marriage in the Victorian era, the emphasis has been on an all-encompassing, monogamous arrangement that lasts the best part of a lifetime – a lifetime that was considerably shorter back in the day. But married monogamy may not be the relationship model that suits you. As we cease needing to be married in order to be socially accepted, other possibilities open up. Whether it’s non-monogamy, polyamory, or even asexual commitment, perhaps you’re single because you haven’t yet found someone who shares your vision for a relationship – or perhaps it’s a vision you haven’t even dared to share. This could be the year you opt to change that, and with it, your luck in love. | Since the notion of romantic love took amorous embrace of marriage in the Victorian era, the emphasis has been on an all-encompassing, monogamous arrangement that lasts the best part of a lifetime – a lifetime that was considerably shorter back in the day. But married monogamy may not be the relationship model that suits you. As we cease needing to be married in order to be socially accepted, other possibilities open up. Whether it’s non-monogamy, polyamory, or even asexual commitment, perhaps you’re single because you haven’t yet found someone who shares your vision for a relationship – or perhaps it’s a vision you haven’t even dared to share. This could be the year you opt to change that, and with it, your luck in love. |
| You’re actually perfectly happy and complete without a partner | You’re actually perfectly happy and complete without a partner |
| Everywhere we turn, coupledom is celebrated as a life ideal. But, aside from continuity, there’s little to nothing you need a life partner for you that can’t experience with the right friends, family and shorter-term playmates – or, indeed, by yourself. Even having and raising a baby does not have to be a lone job if you have the right support network. Companionship should be valorised, certainly, and given the UK’s loneliness epidemic, more so than ever. But it’s perfectly possible to be lonely in the wrong relationship – and in that loneliness, feel even more keenly the falling short of idealised love. | Everywhere we turn, coupledom is celebrated as a life ideal. But, aside from continuity, there’s little to nothing you need a life partner for you that can’t experience with the right friends, family and shorter-term playmates – or, indeed, by yourself. Even having and raising a baby does not have to be a lone job if you have the right support network. Companionship should be valorised, certainly, and given the UK’s loneliness epidemic, more so than ever. But it’s perfectly possible to be lonely in the wrong relationship – and in that loneliness, feel even more keenly the falling short of idealised love. |
| There could be all manner of reasons why you’re single, and if you want to find a partner, good for you – go at it. But just remember – singleness in and of itself is not necessarily a problem. Companionship, fun, stimulating conversation and love are all still yours for the taking. And you’re “The One” to invite it in. | There could be all manner of reasons why you’re single, and if you want to find a partner, good for you – go at it. But just remember – singleness in and of itself is not necessarily a problem. Companionship, fun, stimulating conversation and love are all still yours for the taking. And you’re “The One” to invite it in. |
| • Nichi Hodgson is a sex and relationships broadcaster, and author | • Nichi Hodgson is a sex and relationships broadcaster, and author |
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