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| Virgin Trains treated me with misogynist disdain. Sadly, it’s hardly unusual | Virgin Trains treated me with misogynist disdain. Sadly, it’s hardly unusual |
| (10 days later) | |
| I complained about being insulted by a manager – and then received more scorn from Virgin’s Twitter account. But this lack of respect is a society-wide issue | |
| Fri 5 Jan 2018 08.00 GMT | |
| Last modified on Fri 5 Jan 2018 16.30 GMT | |
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| It’s rather disconcerting to find yourself at the centre of a Twitter storm – especially for someone who barely uses Twitter, let alone corresponds with the media. But that’s what happened to me after I complained about a train attendant calling me “honey” in a patronising, demeaning manner, only to find the insult compounded by a sexist response from the Virgin Trains Twitter account. | It’s rather disconcerting to find yourself at the centre of a Twitter storm – especially for someone who barely uses Twitter, let alone corresponds with the media. But that’s what happened to me after I complained about a train attendant calling me “honey” in a patronising, demeaning manner, only to find the insult compounded by a sexist response from the Virgin Trains Twitter account. |
| Let’s get one thing out of the way to begin with. The manager was Scottish, as am I, and I understand the difference between “honey” as a friendly term of endearment and a word used to put women in their place. The other passengers on board who heard were also clear about that – and I certainly would never have tweeted about it had I doubted my own feelings on this. There’s nothing wrong with honey/sweetie/pet as a general rule, but when they’re used in such a demeaning manner it’s not OK. It’s intimidating and misogynistic. | Let’s get one thing out of the way to begin with. The manager was Scottish, as am I, and I understand the difference between “honey” as a friendly term of endearment and a word used to put women in their place. The other passengers on board who heard were also clear about that – and I certainly would never have tweeted about it had I doubted my own feelings on this. There’s nothing wrong with honey/sweetie/pet as a general rule, but when they’re used in such a demeaning manner it’s not OK. It’s intimidating and misogynistic. |
| Respect – being seen to be of worth, to not feel belittled, patronised or put down – is what we all want. It’s what led to my complaint, and it’s also at the root of the complaints that many men are sending my way. Such messages have been filled with obscenities and accusations, as well as others (from men and women) simply objecting to a “snowflake generation” and “PC crap”. | Respect – being seen to be of worth, to not feel belittled, patronised or put down – is what we all want. It’s what led to my complaint, and it’s also at the root of the complaints that many men are sending my way. Such messages have been filled with obscenities and accusations, as well as others (from men and women) simply objecting to a “snowflake generation” and “PC crap”. |
| Just as I and many other women felt patronised by the Virgin social media team’s response, my sense is that the attendant I spoke to originally felt the same way. I think he reacted with anger, albeit passive, to my wanting to complain about an unrelated service issue because he felt disrespected – he received my complaint as an attempt to undermine his authority. | Just as I and many other women felt patronised by the Virgin social media team’s response, my sense is that the attendant I spoke to originally felt the same way. I think he reacted with anger, albeit passive, to my wanting to complain about an unrelated service issue because he felt disrespected – he received my complaint as an attempt to undermine his authority. |
| Words are powerful; they are not merely passive vehicles through which information is conveyed. In adding “honey” to the end of his retort, he asserted his dominance as a man and my inferiority as a woman. Similarly, the intended action hidden in the social media team’s response in suggesting “pet” and “love” as an alternative to “honey” was to belittle – to put me, a woman who dares to call out misogyny – back in my place. And have a good laugh while doing so. | Words are powerful; they are not merely passive vehicles through which information is conveyed. In adding “honey” to the end of his retort, he asserted his dominance as a man and my inferiority as a woman. Similarly, the intended action hidden in the social media team’s response in suggesting “pet” and “love” as an alternative to “honey” was to belittle – to put me, a woman who dares to call out misogyny – back in my place. And have a good laugh while doing so. |
| This is nothing new. And that’s the crux: this is a society-wide issue, not one of individual wrongdoing. Of course, the attendant shouldn’t be demonised and neither should the person who posted the insulting tweet that followed. They should be supported by the company that employs them – both emotionally in what is probably a difficult time given the public response – but also practically, in providing training in how to ensure all customers are treated with respect. | This is nothing new. And that’s the crux: this is a society-wide issue, not one of individual wrongdoing. Of course, the attendant shouldn’t be demonised and neither should the person who posted the insulting tweet that followed. They should be supported by the company that employs them – both emotionally in what is probably a difficult time given the public response – but also practically, in providing training in how to ensure all customers are treated with respect. |
| We must move towards a society in which everyone is valued and values others in return, regardless of our differences and our gender. And that includes getting to a point where a man doesn’t feel disrespected by a complaint by virtue of the fact that it’s coming from a woman. This is one of the many ways in which the patriarchy effects men. | We must move towards a society in which everyone is valued and values others in return, regardless of our differences and our gender. And that includes getting to a point where a man doesn’t feel disrespected by a complaint by virtue of the fact that it’s coming from a woman. This is one of the many ways in which the patriarchy effects men. |
| In shunning values traditionally deemed to be “feminine” (empathy, vulnerability, intuition, patience), many men are left feeling that they must battle to be on top – that they need to be tough and dominant not only to be worthy of respect, but also to be of any worth at all. And because women operate (professionally and otherwise) in this same value system, we often feel and act that way too – because it’s the way of being that is socially accepted. | In shunning values traditionally deemed to be “feminine” (empathy, vulnerability, intuition, patience), many men are left feeling that they must battle to be on top – that they need to be tough and dominant not only to be worthy of respect, but also to be of any worth at all. And because women operate (professionally and otherwise) in this same value system, we often feel and act that way too – because it’s the way of being that is socially accepted. |
| We could make a start on changing this by tackling the systematic disparagement of traditionally “feminine” values and those who embody them, and addressing the damaging elevation of traditionally “masculine” traits. We all suffer from toxic masculinity, regardless of gender. We should try to hear each other and to embody those same values of patience and empathy and have the courage to be vulnerable. In order for that to be achieved, we all need to turn inward and face our own prejudices, and the fears that lie behind them. | We could make a start on changing this by tackling the systematic disparagement of traditionally “feminine” values and those who embody them, and addressing the damaging elevation of traditionally “masculine” traits. We all suffer from toxic masculinity, regardless of gender. We should try to hear each other and to embody those same values of patience and empathy and have the courage to be vulnerable. In order for that to be achieved, we all need to turn inward and face our own prejudices, and the fears that lie behind them. |
| • Emily Cole is a law graduate currently completing an MSc in psychology. She is a practising ABA therapist specialising in working with children on the autistic spectrum | • Emily Cole is a law graduate currently completing an MSc in psychology. She is a practising ABA therapist specialising in working with children on the autistic spectrum |
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