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| Being dumped at Christmas was the best thing to happen to me | Being dumped at Christmas was the best thing to happen to me |
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| Mon 25 Dec 2017 10.00 GMT | |
| Last modified on Thu 4 Jan 2018 16.20 GMT | |
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| On 28 December 2016 I got dumped. There wasn’t a big fight. In fact, we had spent Christmas Day alone, sitting on my couch watching the box set of Maude. When I look back at the selfie I took of us on my couch in pyjamas, my ex-boyfriend’s face looks worried, like he’s trapped behind glass. | On 28 December 2016 I got dumped. There wasn’t a big fight. In fact, we had spent Christmas Day alone, sitting on my couch watching the box set of Maude. When I look back at the selfie I took of us on my couch in pyjamas, my ex-boyfriend’s face looks worried, like he’s trapped behind glass. |
| When I asked him if he was having doubts he admitted it. He didn’t quite dump me as much as he honestly answered the question I put: “Are you thinking of dumping me but you don’t want to be the guy who dumps his girlfriend during Christmas?” Yes. | When I asked him if he was having doubts he admitted it. He didn’t quite dump me as much as he honestly answered the question I put: “Are you thinking of dumping me but you don’t want to be the guy who dumps his girlfriend during Christmas?” Yes. |
| I went through the five stages of grief in about five seconds. A sixth stage was invented where I judged him for keeping the Taschen David Bowie coffee table book I bought him. I felt he should have left it with me as a consolation prize. | I went through the five stages of grief in about five seconds. A sixth stage was invented where I judged him for keeping the Taschen David Bowie coffee table book I bought him. I felt he should have left it with me as a consolation prize. |
| Christmas is my favourite time of year – a reminder that I can have hope or lightness in a dark time by participating in the ridiculous ritual of putting a lighted tree in my living room. What’s worse is that we met at Christmas time, in New York City, six years ago. So to be dumped on my favourite holiday was like the Grinch stealing my hope, snuffing out my candle flame, and did I mention keeping the David Bowie coffee table book? | Christmas is my favourite time of year – a reminder that I can have hope or lightness in a dark time by participating in the ridiculous ritual of putting a lighted tree in my living room. What’s worse is that we met at Christmas time, in New York City, six years ago. So to be dumped on my favourite holiday was like the Grinch stealing my hope, snuffing out my candle flame, and did I mention keeping the David Bowie coffee table book? |
| If our self-esteem is crap, we pile on ourselves when something bad happens | If our self-esteem is crap, we pile on ourselves when something bad happens |
| And now? I’m happier than I have ever been and despite feeling like I had swallowed a knife during most of 2017, it was my best year yet personally. Because my entire life plan had been blown up, I said yes to new things – like a job that required me to move for a while. Sometimes we won’t let go of our insistence on what we want the rest of our lives to look like and sometimes we find out we weren’t dreaming big enough. | And now? I’m happier than I have ever been and despite feeling like I had swallowed a knife during most of 2017, it was my best year yet personally. Because my entire life plan had been blown up, I said yes to new things – like a job that required me to move for a while. Sometimes we won’t let go of our insistence on what we want the rest of our lives to look like and sometimes we find out we weren’t dreaming big enough. |
| What got me through this year was: | What got me through this year was: |
| 1 No dating, sex, reconciling, for one year (I’m still doing this). | 1 No dating, sex, reconciling, for one year (I’m still doing this). |
| 2 Dropping my story. | 2 Dropping my story. |
| People praise those who continually work on their relationship with their partner – but if say you’re working on the relationship with yourself? It invites scoffs, and people encouraging you to stop doing that and get back out there. | People praise those who continually work on their relationship with their partner – but if say you’re working on the relationship with yourself? It invites scoffs, and people encouraging you to stop doing that and get back out there. |
| What do I mean dropping my story? I spent the first few months handling my shame. I thought that if a long-time partner dumps me, it must mean I failed. I insisted that society saw a dumped woman as a problem woman. If our self-esteem is crap, we pile on ourselves when something bad happens. We tell ourselves horrible stories. I told myself stories about my ex. He’s happy. He’s dating a 21-year-old model. He is the recipient of a scam email and is the first person ever who responded and received millions of dollars. Most of my pain was negative fantasy. | What do I mean dropping my story? I spent the first few months handling my shame. I thought that if a long-time partner dumps me, it must mean I failed. I insisted that society saw a dumped woman as a problem woman. If our self-esteem is crap, we pile on ourselves when something bad happens. We tell ourselves horrible stories. I told myself stories about my ex. He’s happy. He’s dating a 21-year-old model. He is the recipient of a scam email and is the first person ever who responded and received millions of dollars. Most of my pain was negative fantasy. |
| Back in January I was already planning this Christmas. My plan was to draw the shades and stay inside, no decorations, no parties, no velvet outfits. People would pity me and say: “She really loved Christmas and it’s now forever ruined.” | Back in January I was already planning this Christmas. My plan was to draw the shades and stay inside, no decorations, no parties, no velvet outfits. People would pity me and say: “She really loved Christmas and it’s now forever ruined.” |
| In an odd way, I felt I would be judged if I tried to enjoy myself and I would be romanticised and respected if I stayed in pain – like a woman who couldn’t get over her husband who went missing in action. A friend of mine gave me great advice. He said: “You have no idea how you’ll feel in 11 months. Don’t plan for pain.” He reminded me that I had given him that same advice once. | In an odd way, I felt I would be judged if I tried to enjoy myself and I would be romanticised and respected if I stayed in pain – like a woman who couldn’t get over her husband who went missing in action. A friend of mine gave me great advice. He said: “You have no idea how you’ll feel in 11 months. Don’t plan for pain.” He reminded me that I had given him that same advice once. |
| With perspective, I realised the love story is between Christmas and me. This year I’m spending the week of Christmas in New York, with no worries that it will bring back memories of when we met. The city is where I always go during the holiday season – and if anything it’s just going to remind me of the relationship I have with myself. I have brunch plans, movie plans, and shopping plans with friends and some plans by myself because I’m the only one who wants to go on a Christmas light tour. | With perspective, I realised the love story is between Christmas and me. This year I’m spending the week of Christmas in New York, with no worries that it will bring back memories of when we met. The city is where I always go during the holiday season – and if anything it’s just going to remind me of the relationship I have with myself. I have brunch plans, movie plans, and shopping plans with friends and some plans by myself because I’m the only one who wants to go on a Christmas light tour. |
| I told my family I can’t see them this year, there’s just something I need to do: finish off the year with the very special person who got me through this year – myself. Our stories are never over despite what our worst thinking tells us. Merry Christmas everyone! | I told my family I can’t see them this year, there’s just something I need to do: finish off the year with the very special person who got me through this year – myself. Our stories are never over despite what our worst thinking tells us. Merry Christmas everyone! |
| • Jen Kirkman is an American standup comedian. Her latest show, The All New Material, Girl tour is at London’s Soho Theatre from 29 January to 3 February | • Jen Kirkman is an American standup comedian. Her latest show, The All New Material, Girl tour is at London’s Soho Theatre from 29 January to 3 February |
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