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Personality disorders at work: how to spot them and what you can do
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With psychopaths and sociopaths increasingly becoming the subject matter of fiction and nonfiction, we might assume people with antisocial personality disorders are hiding in cubicles in every office building.
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People with antisocial personalities do exist in the workplace, but since they are unable to conform to society, their employment is unsteady. Instead, you are more likely to have a boss or co-worker who has a borderline or narcissistic personality disorder.
Narcissistic and borderline personality disorders are separate entities, although they share some common behaviours and involve deep, internalised shame.
Borderline personality disorders
People affected by these have a pattern of instability in their relationships and tend to be impulsive. Nevertheless, many of them function well enough in the workplace to stay in jobs long term. That’s not good news if you work with one of them, since they are divisive, use power tactics, show intense or inappropriate anger, and regard others as either all good or all bad. Terrified of abandonment and tending to feel empty, jealous or envious, they often secure their ties to others in coercive ways.
A person with a borderline personality disorder, for example, would admit to ignoring the presence of particular co-workers when they passed them in an empty hallway to intimidate them. Secret self-damaging behaviours such as substance abuse, binge eating or excessive spending are also typical of people with this disorder.
If you work for or with someone who has a borderline personality disorder you are likely to experience similar emotions to them – what psychologists refer to as “affective contagion”.
Spending a lot of time around someone who is depressed, for example, may lead to you feeling depressed. In interactions with people who have a borderline personality disorder, you may feel the same sense of inadequacy, disconnection, helplessness or anger they experience.
Narcissists
You are likely to find high-functioning narcissists who are accomplished and innovative in leadership positions. Their characteristics include sophistication, hyper-intellectualism, a relentless pursuit of perfection, a concentrated focus on their goals and a devotion to their endeavours, all of which serve to avoid or reduce the underlying shame at the core of their being. Their employees and co-workers learn to refrain from offering criticism unless it is solicited and often ride along with them on the wave of success.
Although the potential for humiliation lies beneath the surface of the facade they present publicly, don’t imagine that underneath it all narcissists have low self-esteem. By using coping mechanisms that involve the avoidance of shame, they become arrogant, exhibitionistic, admiration seeking, grandiose or entitled.
Like people with BPD, people who have a narcissistic personality disorder attempt to rid themselves of intolerable shame by behaving in ways that lead others to experience the emotion instead. People who bully others have similar skills.
For example, a narcissistic boss receives word that an important contract may be rejected, which would have the potential to shame them. In turn, the boss denigrates the performance of an employee in various ways (unrelated to the contract issue), which leaves that person feeling inadequate. Or a narcissistic sales manager who automatically rejects their self-doubt and insecurity might intimidate their sales staff.
At the extreme, these individuals behave in ways that abuse the emotions of others for their own goals; they control another person’s behaviour through provoking negative emotions in them. A CEO who fears their closest colleague may quit might secure their bond in manipulative ways, such as making an irresistible promise of future advancement or by eroding the subordinate’s self-esteem and diminishing their importance.
What can you do?
Work relationships can be challenging if you have to deal with someone who has a disordered personality. Recognise that when a boss or a colleague has a personality disorder they will approach situations differently to you. They will not want to rehash the past if any wrongdoing is their own, but prefer to “forget about it” and move on as though particular events have not happened. If you push the issue, you are likely to encounter rage.
However, some who are especially skilful may inquire about any hurt or anger you feel, but inevitably they will blame it on you and not their behaviour. The same principles you might use to handle a workplace bully apply when dealing with personality disorders – in particular, maintaining your confidence, competence and composure. Trying to get on their good side will only make you look weak.
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