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You can find the current article at its original source at https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2017/oct/20/men-silent-me-too-sexism
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| Version 1 | Version 2 |
|---|---|
| Men who are silent after #MeToo: it's time to speak up | Men who are silent after #MeToo: it's time to speak up |
| (about 1 month later) | |
| There’s been an outpouring of #MeToo statuses on social media. Thousands of women are posting detailed testimonies of times when they were sexually harassed and assaulted. For me as a man, it’s not that I was unaware of the extent of this problem, but this concentrated discussion has helped dramatize it for me. It’s become impossible to avoid or ignore, particularly when such testimonies come from people close to me whom I love and respect. | There’s been an outpouring of #MeToo statuses on social media. Thousands of women are posting detailed testimonies of times when they were sexually harassed and assaulted. For me as a man, it’s not that I was unaware of the extent of this problem, but this concentrated discussion has helped dramatize it for me. It’s become impossible to avoid or ignore, particularly when such testimonies come from people close to me whom I love and respect. |
| As several women friends have noted, this outpouring has been met with a deafening silence by men. There seem to be so many victims but almost no perpetrators. Are Harvey Weinstein and a few of his colleagues responsible for all these cases? Clearly not, but the rest of us are silent. And for change to happen, this silence needs to be broken. | As several women friends have noted, this outpouring has been met with a deafening silence by men. There seem to be so many victims but almost no perpetrators. Are Harvey Weinstein and a few of his colleagues responsible for all these cases? Clearly not, but the rest of us are silent. And for change to happen, this silence needs to be broken. |
| I think sexist behavior is a continuum. I never raped anyone, but when I was a teenager there were several times I touched women inappropriately, “by accident”. | I think sexist behavior is a continuum. I never raped anyone, but when I was a teenager there were several times I touched women inappropriately, “by accident”. |
| Once, when I was about 18, I had a good friend whom I was attracted to. One day she came round and was tired so she went to sleep on a mattress, and asked me to wake her up after half an hour. So I did. She slept on her back. | Once, when I was about 18, I had a good friend whom I was attracted to. One day she came round and was tired so she went to sleep on a mattress, and asked me to wake her up after half an hour. So I did. She slept on her back. |
| I could have touched her gently on her left-hand shoulder (closer to me) but I deliberately bent over and touched her on her right hand shoulder so that my elbow touched her chest. Of course this could have just been an “accident”, but it wasn’t. When she woke up she gave me a very strange look but didn’t say anything and I didn’t either, and we never talked about it. We stayed in contact for a few more years. | I could have touched her gently on her left-hand shoulder (closer to me) but I deliberately bent over and touched her on her right hand shoulder so that my elbow touched her chest. Of course this could have just been an “accident”, but it wasn’t. When she woke up she gave me a very strange look but didn’t say anything and I didn’t either, and we never talked about it. We stayed in contact for a few more years. |
| I consumed sexist forms of pornography for years | I consumed sexist forms of pornography for years |
| There were more times when I stared at women inappropriately. Once I even dared to tell a classmate I had been looking at her chest. She later very bravely came up with a friend to tell me how uncomfortable I had made her feel. I never forgot it. | There were more times when I stared at women inappropriately. Once I even dared to tell a classmate I had been looking at her chest. She later very bravely came up with a friend to tell me how uncomfortable I had made her feel. I never forgot it. |
| I also consumed sexist forms of pornography for years – an addiction to make myself feel like an adult. By doing so I was complicit in the exploitation of women and men in this industry. It affected my relationships with women and the ways I looked at them, and it also reinforced my worst image of myself as a man, as if I was possessed by uncontrollable drives. Getting off this addiction has been a huge boost to my self-esteem, and has freed me from those heavy urges to gaze at women’s bodies. | I also consumed sexist forms of pornography for years – an addiction to make myself feel like an adult. By doing so I was complicit in the exploitation of women and men in this industry. It affected my relationships with women and the ways I looked at them, and it also reinforced my worst image of myself as a man, as if I was possessed by uncontrollable drives. Getting off this addiction has been a huge boost to my self-esteem, and has freed me from those heavy urges to gaze at women’s bodies. |
| These are just some examples of how I was infected by sexism. There were countless other ways in which I blatantly or more subtly devalued women, their thoughts and their feelings. | These are just some examples of how I was infected by sexism. There were countless other ways in which I blatantly or more subtly devalued women, their thoughts and their feelings. |
| I’ve considered myself a feminist for about 25 years, and it’s been a long process of unlearning. I try to take up less space: I wait until a woman in the room has spoken before I chime in. I walk in the street in a non-intimidating way – if it’s late at night and there’s a woman in front of me, I keep my distance or cross to the other side. | I’ve considered myself a feminist for about 25 years, and it’s been a long process of unlearning. I try to take up less space: I wait until a woman in the room has spoken before I chime in. I walk in the street in a non-intimidating way – if it’s late at night and there’s a woman in front of me, I keep my distance or cross to the other side. |
| I count how many women there are in the space I’m in, and I practice calling in other men in empathic, non-competitive ways (not “my feminism is bigger than yours”). And I’m still learning. I’m truly grateful to all the women who trusted me, educated me and called me out when I deserved it. Unlearning is hard but I believe we’re en route to a better, kinder society. | I count how many women there are in the space I’m in, and I practice calling in other men in empathic, non-competitive ways (not “my feminism is bigger than yours”). And I’m still learning. I’m truly grateful to all the women who trusted me, educated me and called me out when I deserved it. Unlearning is hard but I believe we’re en route to a better, kinder society. |
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