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You can find the current article at its original source at https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2017/oct/18/guilt-trip-parents-moderate-drinking-institute-alcohol-studies
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| Don’t guilt-trip parents about their moderate drinking | Don’t guilt-trip parents about their moderate drinking |
| (13 days later) | |
| One of the best books my daughters and I read together was The Illustrated Mum by Jacqueline Wilson. It is a grim, hopeful tale that alerts children to the power of love and kinship, and the way these survive in even the most dysfunctional of families. It encourages compassion and a tolerance of other lives. It’s obviously not a manual for living, but it is a celebration of the extraordinary resilience of children. | One of the best books my daughters and I read together was The Illustrated Mum by Jacqueline Wilson. It is a grim, hopeful tale that alerts children to the power of love and kinship, and the way these survive in even the most dysfunctional of families. It encourages compassion and a tolerance of other lives. It’s obviously not a manual for living, but it is a celebration of the extraordinary resilience of children. |
| It came to mind because yet another guilt-tripping statistic has just been published. More than half of all parents, a study from the Institute of Alcohol Studies (IAS) reveals, admit their children have seen them tipsy. It’s upsetting the children. And the parents too, many of whom confess they feel guilty or ashamed. | It came to mind because yet another guilt-tripping statistic has just been published. More than half of all parents, a study from the Institute of Alcohol Studies (IAS) reveals, admit their children have seen them tipsy. It’s upsetting the children. And the parents too, many of whom confess they feel guilty or ashamed. |
| Clearly there are families that are deeply damaged by the effects of alcohol. But I don’t think this research is about the destructive impact of a drunken parent. It feels much more like those irksome counsels of healthy living that seem unable to accommodate the way people actually live. This lack of a sense of proportion risks undermining the advice the health industry is giving. | Clearly there are families that are deeply damaged by the effects of alcohol. But I don’t think this research is about the destructive impact of a drunken parent. It feels much more like those irksome counsels of healthy living that seem unable to accommodate the way people actually live. This lack of a sense of proportion risks undermining the advice the health industry is giving. |
| Health messaging relies on a kind of biblical simplicity. There’s no room for nuance if it’s to hit the solar plexus. And so the call goes out: there’s no such thing as safe drinking. You’re hurting yourself – and, worse, your children! | Health messaging relies on a kind of biblical simplicity. There’s no room for nuance if it’s to hit the solar plexus. And so the call goes out: there’s no such thing as safe drinking. You’re hurting yourself – and, worse, your children! |
| This is treacherous territory. The survey is not about severe alcohol abuse: it’s not a statement of the screamingly obvious, that drunkenness is incompatible with responsible parenting. Instead, it is trying to shift the window of what’s normal in order to erode the tolerance of what is potentially damaging. The problem is the way it’s been contextualised: it appears to suggest that children are so fragile and fearful that the smallest departure from routine – a delayed bedtime, they say, as if that weren’t the stuff of most kids’ dreams – will leave your child anxious and distressed. | This is treacherous territory. The survey is not about severe alcohol abuse: it’s not a statement of the screamingly obvious, that drunkenness is incompatible with responsible parenting. Instead, it is trying to shift the window of what’s normal in order to erode the tolerance of what is potentially damaging. The problem is the way it’s been contextualised: it appears to suggest that children are so fragile and fearful that the smallest departure from routine – a delayed bedtime, they say, as if that weren’t the stuff of most kids’ dreams – will leave your child anxious and distressed. |
| I think children are made of sterner stuff than the IAS (a charity with roots – no surprise here – in the temperance movement) wants us to believe. A parent who knowingly behaves in a way that is likely to damage their child unquestionably has a problem. But the IAS sample was of people who claimed to stick to the government guideline of 14 units of alcohol a week. They are people who may occasionally drink enough to alter their mood. Maybe they occasionally binge. Or, maybe, the IAS is exploiting the widespread tendency of most parents most of the time to feel inadequate about their parenting skills in order to advance a hidden agenda, which is that no one should drink at all. | I think children are made of sterner stuff than the IAS (a charity with roots – no surprise here – in the temperance movement) wants us to believe. A parent who knowingly behaves in a way that is likely to damage their child unquestionably has a problem. But the IAS sample was of people who claimed to stick to the government guideline of 14 units of alcohol a week. They are people who may occasionally drink enough to alter their mood. Maybe they occasionally binge. Or, maybe, the IAS is exploiting the widespread tendency of most parents most of the time to feel inadequate about their parenting skills in order to advance a hidden agenda, which is that no one should drink at all. |
| From the moment conception is even anticipated, parents are constantly monitored for failure, mostly by themselves. The utterly lovely thing about kids is that they don’t judge, at least not for the first 10 years or so, and they do forgive. It’s their unstinting love that makes parents behave better than they might, and bitterly condemn themselves when they slip. Yet the occasional revelation of weakness may be a healthier part of a child’s experience than the struggle for the ideal. A child brought up in a home that is confident enough about itself to survive the odd fall from grace is a much more resilient child than one reared in an intimidating reflection of perfection. | From the moment conception is even anticipated, parents are constantly monitored for failure, mostly by themselves. The utterly lovely thing about kids is that they don’t judge, at least not for the first 10 years or so, and they do forgive. It’s their unstinting love that makes parents behave better than they might, and bitterly condemn themselves when they slip. Yet the occasional revelation of weakness may be a healthier part of a child’s experience than the struggle for the ideal. A child brought up in a home that is confident enough about itself to survive the odd fall from grace is a much more resilient child than one reared in an intimidating reflection of perfection. |
| The more interesting question the survey raises is about how to bring up children to give them the best chance of surviving and prospering in adult life. A sense of proportion feels like a pretty key asset, and so does a degree of tolerance and self-reliance. Being censorious about other people’s behaviour, not so much. | The more interesting question the survey raises is about how to bring up children to give them the best chance of surviving and prospering in adult life. A sense of proportion feels like a pretty key asset, and so does a degree of tolerance and self-reliance. Being censorious about other people’s behaviour, not so much. |
| According to the IAS study, significant numbers of kids were so disturbed by their parents’ behaviour that they asked them to drink less. Here’s a comforting thought for the charity: maybe the habits of their parents explain why so many 16- to 24-year-olds nowadays don’t drink at all. | According to the IAS study, significant numbers of kids were so disturbed by their parents’ behaviour that they asked them to drink less. Here’s a comforting thought for the charity: maybe the habits of their parents explain why so many 16- to 24-year-olds nowadays don’t drink at all. |
| • Anne Perkins is a Guardian columnist | • Anne Perkins is a Guardian columnist |
| Parents and parenting | Parents and parenting |
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| Health | Health |
| Family | Family |
| Children | Children |
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