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You can find the current article at its original source at https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2017/oct/03/boris-the-orgasmatron-tickles-tory-faithful-but-fails-to-end-with-a-bang
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| Version 2 | Version 3 |
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| Boris the orgasmatron tickles Tory faithful but fails to end with a bang | Boris the orgasmatron tickles Tory faithful but fails to end with a bang |
| (about 1 month later) | |
| You couldn’t ask for a better warm-up man than Mogadon Michael Fallon. After the defence secretary’s speech, all Boris Johnson had to do was make it to the podium in one piece to be guaranteed the undying thanks of everyone in the hall. Seldom can a bar have been lower than at this year’s party conference. | You couldn’t ask for a better warm-up man than Mogadon Michael Fallon. After the defence secretary’s speech, all Boris Johnson had to do was make it to the podium in one piece to be guaranteed the undying thanks of everyone in the hall. Seldom can a bar have been lower than at this year’s party conference. |
| For the first time all week it was standing room only, and Boris duly warmed up the crowd with some crap gags. Jeremy Corbyn was Caracas. No one cared that it was a joke lifted straight from a box of 1950s Christmas Caracas; they laughed anyway. More as a release of tension than because it was particularly funny. They hadn’t come to hear the foreign secretary say anything momentous: they had come for a 30-minute break from their own collective misery. | For the first time all week it was standing room only, and Boris duly warmed up the crowd with some crap gags. Jeremy Corbyn was Caracas. No one cared that it was a joke lifted straight from a box of 1950s Christmas Caracas; they laughed anyway. More as a release of tension than because it was particularly funny. They hadn’t come to hear the foreign secretary say anything momentous: they had come for a 30-minute break from their own collective misery. |
| Britain hadn’t become one of the world’s greatest nations by ever listening to reason | Britain hadn’t become one of the world’s greatest nations by ever listening to reason |
| Boris duly looked his audience in the eye and delivered. No matter that it was pretty much the same speech he always gives, it still hit the spot. A bit more Labour bashing. That always went down well. A quick dig about the three-day week in the 1970s. Whoops; he had forgotten that happened under a Tory government. | Boris duly looked his audience in the eye and delivered. No matter that it was pretty much the same speech he always gives, it still hit the spot. A bit more Labour bashing. That always went down well. A quick dig about the three-day week in the 1970s. Whoops; he had forgotten that happened under a Tory government. |
| Luckily for him everyone else in the audience had too. For a party that glories so much in a blue-remembered past, its grasp on history is tenuous. Perhaps they are all in such post-electoral shock they are suffering from false memory syndrome. | Luckily for him everyone else in the audience had too. For a party that glories so much in a blue-remembered past, its grasp on history is tenuous. Perhaps they are all in such post-electoral shock they are suffering from false memory syndrome. |
| Everyone was being far too gloomy, he insisted. Conservatives should just ignore the warnings of, well, everyone really and just believe whatever they wanted to believe. There was no fantasy that couldn’t come true if you closed your eyes hard enough. Forget the facts. Facts were for doom merchants. Britain hadn’t become one of the world’s greatest nations by ever listening to reason. | Everyone was being far too gloomy, he insisted. Conservatives should just ignore the warnings of, well, everyone really and just believe whatever they wanted to believe. There was no fantasy that couldn’t come true if you closed your eyes hard enough. Forget the facts. Facts were for doom merchants. Britain hadn’t become one of the world’s greatest nations by ever listening to reason. |
| At this, the audience was in its heaven. Boris is their own private orgasmatron. When everything else is falling apart before their eyes, no one can make the Tories feel so good about just being Tories better than him. | At this, the audience was in its heaven. Boris is their own private orgasmatron. When everything else is falling apart before their eyes, no one can make the Tories feel so good about just being Tories better than him. |
| Seizing the moment, he went on to tell them they had achieved a remarkable, heroic victory in the June election and they owed a huge debt of gratitude to Theresa May. | Seizing the moment, he went on to tell them they had achieved a remarkable, heroic victory in the June election and they owed a huge debt of gratitude to Theresa May. |
| It turned out that all the cabinet infighting since June had been merely a disagreement over the best way for the party to express its thanks to the Maybot. Some had suggested that the fourth plinth in Trafalgar Square should be given over to a permanent statue but he, Boris, thought that wasn’t nearly good enough. | It turned out that all the cabinet infighting since June had been merely a disagreement over the best way for the party to express its thanks to the Maybot. Some had suggested that the fourth plinth in Trafalgar Square should be given over to a permanent statue but he, Boris, thought that wasn’t nearly good enough. |
| On her wondrous Florence speech, there wasn’t “a syllable on which the cabinet wasn’t united”. It was just some of the sentences that were the problem. Which is why he had gone to such length to clarify what he thought she had really meant in a series of extremely helpful newspaper articles. | On her wondrous Florence speech, there wasn’t “a syllable on which the cabinet wasn’t united”. It was just some of the sentences that were the problem. Which is why he had gone to such length to clarify what he thought she had really meant in a series of extremely helpful newspaper articles. |
| Not even his hair trusts Boris any more | Not even his hair trusts Boris any more |
| Any suggestion he had been making a power grab was way off the mark. Practice does not always make perfect for Boris. Certainly not where lying is concerned. The words may fall off the tongue, but his face and body language gives him away every time. He squirmed involuntarily and tugged at his hair. His hair fought back. Not even his hair trusts Boris any more. | Any suggestion he had been making a power grab was way off the mark. Practice does not always make perfect for Boris. Certainly not where lying is concerned. The words may fall off the tongue, but his face and body language gives him away every time. He squirmed involuntarily and tugged at his hair. His hair fought back. Not even his hair trusts Boris any more. |
| After labelling Corbyn “a zombie leader” – God knows what that makes the Maybot – Boris tried the ultimate in cheek by describing himself as a “team player”. The team being Team Boris. | After labelling Corbyn “a zombie leader” – God knows what that makes the Maybot – Boris tried the ultimate in cheek by describing himself as a “team player”. The team being Team Boris. |
| No one cared. It wasn’t exactly the knockabout comedy the faithful had been hoping for, but ersatz fun was better than no fun at all. | No one cared. It wasn’t exactly the knockabout comedy the faithful had been hoping for, but ersatz fun was better than no fun at all. |
| Twenty minutes in, Boris vaguely remembered a foreign secretary was supposed to say something about foreigners. So he quickly insulted the French – always a guaranteed winner for old-school Tories – before going on to say as little as possible about Brexit. It would all be a tremendous success even if it wasn’t. | Twenty minutes in, Boris vaguely remembered a foreign secretary was supposed to say something about foreigners. So he quickly insulted the French – always a guaranteed winner for old-school Tories – before going on to say as little as possible about Brexit. It would all be a tremendous success even if it wasn’t. |
| By now he was on autopilot and so was the audience. Laughing in the right places but not really paying attention. Just like Boris, they had all been here before. His charisma was wearing off. | By now he was on autopilot and so was the audience. Laughing in the right places but not really paying attention. Just like Boris, they had all been here before. His charisma was wearing off. |
| “Let the lion roar,” Boris concluded weakly. The applause was unexpectedly muted. People had come to hear a lion roar. But they’d been palmed off with a mouse squeaking. | “Let the lion roar,” Boris concluded weakly. The applause was unexpectedly muted. People had come to hear a lion roar. But they’d been palmed off with a mouse squeaking. |
| Conservative conference 2017 | Conservative conference 2017 |
| The politics sketch | The politics sketch |
| Conservative conference | Conservative conference |
| Boris Johnson | Boris Johnson |
| Conservatives | Conservatives |
| Theresa May | Theresa May |
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