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You can find the current article at its original source at https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2017/sep/20/simon-cowell--antiques-roadshow-fiona-bruce-emmys-printers
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| Only the spirit of Simon Cowell can save thje Antiques Roadshow | Only the spirit of Simon Cowell can save thje Antiques Roadshow |
| (14 days later) | |
| Is Britain running out of decent old stuff? The long-running BBC programme Antiques Roadshow, presented by Fiona Bruce, is now facing an existential crisis. As she wanders around the country with her team of experts, Bruce is finding that people are turning up with nothing but rubbish. Middle England is emptying its loft of ordure before queueing up outside Blenheim Palace, clutching pointless candlesticks and vases. | Is Britain running out of decent old stuff? The long-running BBC programme Antiques Roadshow, presented by Fiona Bruce, is now facing an existential crisis. As she wanders around the country with her team of experts, Bruce is finding that people are turning up with nothing but rubbish. Middle England is emptying its loft of ordure before queueing up outside Blenheim Palace, clutching pointless candlesticks and vases. |
| “There are definitely fewer really stonkingly good objects on the Roadshow,” says ceramics expert David Battie, “which is inevitable given that we’ve been going for 40 years, sucking them in like a vacuum cleaner.” | “There are definitely fewer really stonkingly good objects on the Roadshow,” says ceramics expert David Battie, “which is inevitable given that we’ve been going for 40 years, sucking them in like a vacuum cleaner.” |
| The awful truth is that Antiques Roadshow is going to have to take the Simon Cowell route – pad the show out by including long, acidly derisive introductory segments with the no-hopers and the pathetic losers. Fiona and the team will sit behind a trestle table and roll their eyes, the way Simon, Louis et al once winced as that woman sang YMCA off-key with weird dance moves. When some retired colonel shows up with his mahogany commode, Fiona is going to have to lay a gentle hand on his shoulder and purr: “Really, colonel? Seriously? There’s only one thing to be done with that item, and I can’t do it on the air before 9pm.” | The awful truth is that Antiques Roadshow is going to have to take the Simon Cowell route – pad the show out by including long, acidly derisive introductory segments with the no-hopers and the pathetic losers. Fiona and the team will sit behind a trestle table and roll their eyes, the way Simon, Louis et al once winced as that woman sang YMCA off-key with weird dance moves. When some retired colonel shows up with his mahogany commode, Fiona is going to have to lay a gentle hand on his shoulder and purr: “Really, colonel? Seriously? There’s only one thing to be done with that item, and I can’t do it on the air before 9pm.” |
| The curse of Canute | The curse of Canute |
| The time has come to defend the American TV actor Jackie Hoffman, an Emmy nominee in this week’s ceremony. She lost out to Laura Dern, and has been mocked all over the world for her televised reaction, screaming: “DAMN IT! DAMN IT!” Hoffman was derided for being a diva, and also for alleged sneakiness in trying to pass off her tantrum as a joke. But it obviously was a joke – watch it on YouTube and you’ll see it can’t be anything else. | The time has come to defend the American TV actor Jackie Hoffman, an Emmy nominee in this week’s ceremony. She lost out to Laura Dern, and has been mocked all over the world for her televised reaction, screaming: “DAMN IT! DAMN IT!” Hoffman was derided for being a diva, and also for alleged sneakiness in trying to pass off her tantrum as a joke. But it obviously was a joke – watch it on YouTube and you’ll see it can’t be anything else. |
| Jackie is the latest casualty of what can only be called Canute syndrome. After her high-risk visual gag, she tweeted: “Laura Dern had famous parents. Forgive me for being from real people #elitism #Emmys2017”. Then, as the social media row grew she tweeted: “I hear that Laura Dern runs a child porn ring #soreloser #Emmys2017” – having to make the joke clearer with that self-deprecatory hashtag. And finally she just had to abandon it all and say: “I hear the media are taking my reaction seriously. Are you kidding me?” | Jackie is the latest casualty of what can only be called Canute syndrome. After her high-risk visual gag, she tweeted: “Laura Dern had famous parents. Forgive me for being from real people #elitism #Emmys2017”. Then, as the social media row grew she tweeted: “I hear that Laura Dern runs a child porn ring #soreloser #Emmys2017” – having to make the joke clearer with that self-deprecatory hashtag. And finally she just had to abandon it all and say: “I hear the media are taking my reaction seriously. Are you kidding me?” |
| It’s just another example of how people choose not to get your joke, and then use it against you. King Canute did his holding-back-the-waves routine deliberately and specifically to show the limits of kingly power, and all the smart alecs in history misinterpreted him. | It’s just another example of how people choose not to get your joke, and then use it against you. King Canute did his holding-back-the-waves routine deliberately and specifically to show the limits of kingly power, and all the smart alecs in history misinterpreted him. |
| My wireless woe | My wireless woe |
| This week’s heroism prize goes to the French campaign group Halte à l’Obsolescence Programmée, or Stop Planned Obsolescence, which is attacking companies that deliberately design into their machines a restricted lifespan – particularly computer printers. I feel their pain. My wireless printer, wheezing with premature age, has recently decided to become a wireful printer, or wiry printer, or whatever the term is for a printer that decides it’s no longer young enough to do without an actual lead connecting it to the laptop. | This week’s heroism prize goes to the French campaign group Halte à l’Obsolescence Programmée, or Stop Planned Obsolescence, which is attacking companies that deliberately design into their machines a restricted lifespan – particularly computer printers. I feel their pain. My wireless printer, wheezing with premature age, has recently decided to become a wireful printer, or wiry printer, or whatever the term is for a printer that decides it’s no longer young enough to do without an actual lead connecting it to the laptop. |
| Trying to reboot or fix a printer is a futile ordeal, involving looking for the instructions, desperately leafing past the sections in Russian and Korean, and realising that the English version is no more comprehensible, all the time gibbering with panic and rage because your printer won’t work. An electronic device that won’t comply is like a slap in the face. Stop Planned Obsolescence should franchise their outfit all over the world. | Trying to reboot or fix a printer is a futile ordeal, involving looking for the instructions, desperately leafing past the sections in Russian and Korean, and realising that the English version is no more comprehensible, all the time gibbering with panic and rage because your printer won’t work. An electronic device that won’t comply is like a slap in the face. Stop Planned Obsolescence should franchise their outfit all over the world. |
| • Peter Bradshaw is the Guardian’s film critic | • Peter Bradshaw is the Guardian’s film critic |