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| Version 0 | Version 1 |
|---|---|
| Open Arms by Vince Cable – digested read | Open Arms by Vince Cable – digested read |
| (5 months later) | |
| ‘”You really are the Indian Vince Cable,” she moaned, feeling as if a dam burst inside her’ | |
| John Crace | |
| Sun 3 Sep 2017 17.00 BST | |
| Last modified on Sat 25 Nov 2017 02.13 GMT | |
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| June 2019: A headless torso floated down a river in a Mumbai slum. Had Deepak Parrikar, whose smouldering good looks meant he was often referred to as “the Indian Vince Cable” in the newspapers, looked down from the penthouse office of his arms technology factory with a pair of binoculars, he might have seen the body. But he didn’t. So there we are. Inspector Mankad shrugged. It was immediately obvious the victim had links to terrorism and was involved in a global plot to take over the Parrikar factory at a time when relations between India and Pakistan were at their most tense for decades, but because he was only a minor character whom readers would soon forget, he didn’t see any point in mentioning his suspicions to anyone. | June 2019: A headless torso floated down a river in a Mumbai slum. Had Deepak Parrikar, whose smouldering good looks meant he was often referred to as “the Indian Vince Cable” in the newspapers, looked down from the penthouse office of his arms technology factory with a pair of binoculars, he might have seen the body. But he didn’t. So there we are. Inspector Mankad shrugged. It was immediately obvious the victim had links to terrorism and was involved in a global plot to take over the Parrikar factory at a time when relations between India and Pakistan were at their most tense for decades, but because he was only a minor character whom readers would soon forget, he didn’t see any point in mentioning his suspicions to anyone. |
| June 2018: Kate Thompson was one of the most beautiful and able workers in the safe Conservative seat of Surrey Heights. Yet she had a dark secret. No one knew that she was really a Lib Dem voter who had got fed up with her party’s stance on Brexit. On a warm summer’s afternoon, a member of Conservative central office approached her. “We’d like you to be the new MP for this constituency,” the man said. “The PM is going to call a general election very soon before the Brexit negotiations get too difficult and we think you’d be a perfect candidate.” | June 2018: Kate Thompson was one of the most beautiful and able workers in the safe Conservative seat of Surrey Heights. Yet she had a dark secret. No one knew that she was really a Lib Dem voter who had got fed up with her party’s stance on Brexit. On a warm summer’s afternoon, a member of Conservative central office approached her. “We’d like you to be the new MP for this constituency,” the man said. “The PM is going to call a general election very soon before the Brexit negotiations get too difficult and we think you’d be a perfect candidate.” |
| “What about the general election in June 2017?” she replied. | “What about the general election in June 2017?” she replied. |
| “I think you’ll find that never happened.” | “I think you’ll find that never happened.” |
| A month later, Kate took her seat in the Commons. She wasn’t happy that the general election had brought in so many more hardline Brexit Conservative MPs and she still rather wished she was a Lib Dem, but she would do her duty. | A month later, Kate took her seat in the Commons. She wasn’t happy that the general election had brought in so many more hardline Brexit Conservative MPs and she still rather wished she was a Lib Dem, but she would do her duty. |
| June 2019: Calum McKenzie was a free-thinking Lib Dem who was boss of his own aircraft technology company. That morning he had received a visit from a government fixer telling him he was to form a partnership with Parrikar Avionics. Calum had his suspicions that all was not as it seemed but the deal sounded good for the workforce. Calum’s financial controller, Shaida, was worried that her brother Mo was being radicalised at the local mosque and asked Steve, the union rep and Labour party activist, to have a chat with him. Steve, who was also a Lib Dem at heart, was happy to because he was deeply attracted to Shaida though he understood the difficulties a modern Muslim woman could face going out with someone who wasn’t of her faith. | June 2019: Calum McKenzie was a free-thinking Lib Dem who was boss of his own aircraft technology company. That morning he had received a visit from a government fixer telling him he was to form a partnership with Parrikar Avionics. Calum had his suspicions that all was not as it seemed but the deal sounded good for the workforce. Calum’s financial controller, Shaida, was worried that her brother Mo was being radicalised at the local mosque and asked Steve, the union rep and Labour party activist, to have a chat with him. Steve, who was also a Lib Dem at heart, was happy to because he was deeply attracted to Shaida though he understood the difficulties a modern Muslim woman could face going out with someone who wasn’t of her faith. |
| July 2019: The PM had been forced to resign for reasons that weren’t quite specified, but which Kate suspected had something to do with some hasty rewrites after the snap election of 2017 that had both happened and not happened. The new PM wanted to fast-track Kate as a trade minister. “We need you to go to India to smooth out a trade deal between Parrikar and the British firm,” said her boss who wasn’t nearly as capable a business secretary as Vince Cable. | July 2019: The PM had been forced to resign for reasons that weren’t quite specified, but which Kate suspected had something to do with some hasty rewrites after the snap election of 2017 that had both happened and not happened. The new PM wanted to fast-track Kate as a trade minister. “We need you to go to India to smooth out a trade deal between Parrikar and the British firm,” said her boss who wasn’t nearly as capable a business secretary as Vince Cable. |
| The visit was a huge success and Kate and Deepak had made deep and passionate love as they talked over the Lib Dem manifesto. “You really are the Indian Vince Cable,” she had moaned, feeling as if a dam had burst within her. | The visit was a huge success and Kate and Deepak had made deep and passionate love as they talked over the Lib Dem manifesto. “You really are the Indian Vince Cable,” she had moaned, feeling as if a dam had burst within her. |
| July 2019: On her return to England, Kate had been caught in a protest by some arms protesters outside the British factory. “Damn,” said Calum. “That means the deal is probably blown. I should always have suspected Justin, my head of security, was leaking information when I discovered he voted Brexit and was a paedophile.” Kate went back to London where she made vigorous, enthralling love to Deepak who had flown to England for the night. Unbeknownst to her, the paparazzi were watching her movements. “I’m afraid you’re going to have to resign,” said the PM. | July 2019: On her return to England, Kate had been caught in a protest by some arms protesters outside the British factory. “Damn,” said Calum. “That means the deal is probably blown. I should always have suspected Justin, my head of security, was leaking information when I discovered he voted Brexit and was a paedophile.” Kate went back to London where she made vigorous, enthralling love to Deepak who had flown to England for the night. Unbeknownst to her, the paparazzi were watching her movements. “I’m afraid you’re going to have to resign,” said the PM. |
| August 2019: Over the next 180 pages, events became even more confusing as minor characters would drop in and out of the story to no real purpose. “The reason it’s confusing,” said the Red Admiral, “is because I’m a double agent.” | August 2019: Over the next 180 pages, events became even more confusing as minor characters would drop in and out of the story to no real purpose. “The reason it’s confusing,” said the Red Admiral, “is because I’m a double agent.” |
| “Well, I’m a double-double agent,” said Liam, who voted Lib Dem. | “Well, I’m a double-double agent,” said Liam, who voted Lib Dem. |
| “I’m a double-double-double agent,” said the sheikh, who then died. | “I’m a double-double-double agent,” said the sheikh, who then died. |
| “No one knows who I am,” said Desai, “not even me.” | “No one knows who I am,” said Desai, “not even me.” |
| “I’ve just been kidnapped,” said Deepak. | “I’ve just been kidnapped,” said Deepak. |
| “That’s awful,” sobbed Kate. | “That’s awful,” sobbed Kate. |
| “It’s OK, I’m free now,” Deepak murmured from intensive care. | “It’s OK, I’m free now,” Deepak murmured from intensive care. |
| September 2017: Kate was told she was to be a minister again. “Don’t worry about the aircraft deal any more,” said the business secretary. “Both companies have now been taken over by a shadowy American company called Global. What we now want you to do is sell an aircraft carrier to India.” | September 2017: Kate was told she was to be a minister again. “Don’t worry about the aircraft deal any more,” said the business secretary. “Both companies have now been taken over by a shadowy American company called Global. What we now want you to do is sell an aircraft carrier to India.” |
| “I’m sorry,” Kate said on her return. “I’ve failed.” | “I’m sorry,” Kate said on her return. “I’ve failed.” |
| “Never mind,” replied the minister. “We never expected you to succeed.” | “Never mind,” replied the minister. “We never expected you to succeed.” |
| October 2019: Shaida was desolate. She and Steve had been unable to stop her brother becoming a terrorist and he had been shot dead in a failed attack on an arms convention that Kate had been attending. | October 2019: Shaida was desolate. She and Steve had been unable to stop her brother becoming a terrorist and he had been shot dead in a failed attack on an arms convention that Kate had been attending. |
| “This is all a bit of a mess,” Kate concluded as the Indian Vince Cable pushed her to yet another orgasm. | “This is all a bit of a mess,” Kate concluded as the Indian Vince Cable pushed her to yet another orgasm. |
| “Too right,” said Deepak. “But at least we can be secret Lib Dems together.” | “Too right,” said Deepak. “But at least we can be secret Lib Dems together.” |
| Digested read, digested: Vince’s balmy army. | Digested read, digested: Vince’s balmy army. |
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