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| Maybot's reboot stumbles as PM struggles with self-deprecation | Maybot's reboot stumbles as PM struggles with self-deprecation |
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| Sic transit gloria mundi. Only a few of the most loyal Tory backbenchers could bring themselves to raise a lacklustre cheer as the Maybot entered the chamber for the re-election of the Speaker, while the father of the house, Ken Clarke, was greeted with full-throated roars from both sides of the house. Seldom can a prime minister have appeared quite so diminished on a first day back in parliament after a general election. | Sic transit gloria mundi. Only a few of the most loyal Tory backbenchers could bring themselves to raise a lacklustre cheer as the Maybot entered the chamber for the re-election of the Speaker, while the father of the house, Ken Clarke, was greeted with full-throated roars from both sides of the house. Seldom can a prime minister have appeared quite so diminished on a first day back in parliament after a general election. |
| Even John Bercow couldn’t resist a gentle dig as he did his best to appear reluctant to be chosen as Speaker for a third time. He talked of his willingness to serve “the government of the day”. With rather too much emphasis on the word day. The Maybot’s head went down at that. She had been counting on making it to the end of the week at least. | Even John Bercow couldn’t resist a gentle dig as he did his best to appear reluctant to be chosen as Speaker for a third time. He talked of his willingness to serve “the government of the day”. With rather too much emphasis on the word day. The Maybot’s head went down at that. She had been counting on making it to the end of the week at least. |
| Once Tory MP, Cheryl Gillan, had completed the Bercow formalities with the obligatory reminder that seven former Speakers had been beheaded to which everyone had roared: “More, More” – it’s the same gag every time but MPs never seem to tire of it – the Supreme Leader rose to address the nation. She began by congratulating Bercow on his re-election. “At least someone got a landslide,” she said. Even with “SELF-DEPRECATING JOKE” clearly marked in capitals in the margins of her speech, she couldn’t quite manage to coordinate the words with a genuinely warm smile. | Once Tory MP, Cheryl Gillan, had completed the Bercow formalities with the obligatory reminder that seven former Speakers had been beheaded to which everyone had roared: “More, More” – it’s the same gag every time but MPs never seem to tire of it – the Supreme Leader rose to address the nation. She began by congratulating Bercow on his re-election. “At least someone got a landslide,” she said. Even with “SELF-DEPRECATING JOKE” clearly marked in capitals in the margins of her speech, she couldn’t quite manage to coordinate the words with a genuinely warm smile. |
| With the newly installed Stumble – Strong and Humble – programme still showing signs of teething problems, the Maybot went back to her default setting of denial. The election had actually turned out pretty well, she suggested, because parliament was now more ethnically diverse than it had ever been in the past. So well done her. That was one in the eye for everyone who was under the impression she had called the election out of naked party political self interest. | With the newly installed Stumble – Strong and Humble – programme still showing signs of teething problems, the Maybot went back to her default setting of denial. The election had actually turned out pretty well, she suggested, because parliament was now more ethnically diverse than it had ever been in the past. So well done her. That was one in the eye for everyone who was under the impression she had called the election out of naked party political self interest. |
| “The country is still divided and some people blame politicians for this,” the Supreme Leader continued, sounding mystified as to why this might be. No one dared point out that this could have something to do with her having spent the past seven weeks making highly personal attacks on her opponents, while promising those who voted for her nothing but more pain and more austerity. It’s still early days in the Maybot’s intensive grief counselling sessions and there’s only so much reality she can take. | “The country is still divided and some people blame politicians for this,” the Supreme Leader continued, sounding mystified as to why this might be. No one dared point out that this could have something to do with her having spent the past seven weeks making highly personal attacks on her opponents, while promising those who voted for her nothing but more pain and more austerity. It’s still early days in the Maybot’s intensive grief counselling sessions and there’s only so much reality she can take. |
| She concluded by asking the house to come together “in the spirit of national unity”. That would be a national unity that puts keeping a Tory government in power above the Northern Ireland peace process. And involves going back on almost everything that had been promised in her manifesto. The Maybot sat down to almost total silence from her backbenchers, most of whom went out of their way to avoid eye contact. One even chose to look at half naked women playing chess on his mobile rather than look up. Start as you mean to go on. | |
| Jeremy Corbyn was in an altogether better mood. No one has yet told him that he didn’t win the election and there was a swagger to the way he ripped into the Maybot. “Democracy is a wondrous thing,” he observed, before going on to say he hoped the “coalition of chaos” would eventually manage to come up with a Queen’s speech. In the meantime, though, he’d be quite happy to chill out with his mates. | Jeremy Corbyn was in an altogether better mood. No one has yet told him that he didn’t win the election and there was a swagger to the way he ripped into the Maybot. “Democracy is a wondrous thing,” he observed, before going on to say he hoped the “coalition of chaos” would eventually manage to come up with a Queen’s speech. In the meantime, though, he’d be quite happy to chill out with his mates. |
| “We look forward to this parliament, however short it might be,” he sniggered. And if everything didn’t work out for the Tories, “Labour is ready with strong and stable leadership in the national interest.” Had this been delivered with slightly more grace it would have been all the more effective. But it was still far too devastating for the Maybot who was in full Stumble mode and staring blankly at her feet. | “We look forward to this parliament, however short it might be,” he sniggered. And if everything didn’t work out for the Tories, “Labour is ready with strong and stable leadership in the national interest.” Had this been delivered with slightly more grace it would have been all the more effective. But it was still far too devastating for the Maybot who was in full Stumble mode and staring blankly at her feet. |
| She did look up when Nigel Dodds got to have his say. In the past she had never given the DUP’s leader in the Commons a second glance, but now she listened in rapture as he spoke of the interesting times ahead in the next five years. Not to mention all the dosh that would now start finding its way into Northern Ireland. Suddenly the Maybot was aware of how clever, how handsome and how statesmanlike Dodds was. How could she not have noticed this before? | She did look up when Nigel Dodds got to have his say. In the past she had never given the DUP’s leader in the Commons a second glance, but now she listened in rapture as he spoke of the interesting times ahead in the next five years. Not to mention all the dosh that would now start finding its way into Northern Ireland. Suddenly the Maybot was aware of how clever, how handsome and how statesmanlike Dodds was. How could she not have noticed this before? |